- im sitting in the lobby
- sort of stomachachey; had coffee, too late, like always
- back to a window
- always hated that. anyone could be over my shoulder
- im watching 4 guys from the building
- their names are steven dan luis brian
- boy names. guy names. easy names. worn like they're born with it
- they were
- too easy too easy TOO EASY TO BE YOU
- they're playing hacky sack
- trying to get to ten
- when they hit 10 one grabs the sack
- and throws it as hard as possible at one of the others
- and i am so
- choked. dysphoria is
- the opposite of catharsis. it's buildup buildup
- thick rising rising always rising
- it fills you up and you think that's it and it just. pressurizes
- they move so easy in their bones
- their scruff grows on their cheeks, pine needle pubes
- so easy. jawline, cheekbone, short hairs downy on the neck
- pants that fit pants that fit pockets. pockets
- the tiny things and it's not... i'm not upset about the pockets
- i'm upset about everything the pockets mean
- shoes and feet
- i'm nauseous i made myself nauseous
- full to fattening with hatred that turns inwards
- i'm the north pacific gyre oscillation and i whirl whirl whirl
- but it only ever goes inwards. it will get stronger and weaker
- but it wont ever ever never stop oh god. oh
- god
- if there was a god i was made in such a way
- and for a reason
- drank coffee too late
- window at my back back to the window
- no god
- only bodies
mar 2 2016 ∞
mar 2 2016 +