• " If you do all these things successfully and nobody notices, go home afterwards and rethink your life."
• "look me up on wikipedia. i wanna see what i specialize in."
• "Can i wear this piece of bologna if its shaped like a shirt?"
• "Shitmypantsilitis; a condition that befalls people that get too excited about Nintendo-related products."
• "In one office I saw a man repeatedly throwing a banana peel on the floor and staring at it."
• "Then he swooped in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.
• "do you always have to stare at me like i just drowned your goldfish?!"
• "After all, with all the obesity in America, the sprayed-on look for clothes might not work for everyone."
• "For nomal people the mall is a place of shopping and socializing. But for emo and scene kids its a destination to show "the conformists" their "unique" sence of style."
• "screw humanity. id rather be... a bananna."
• "You're so fucking fat you're killing your grandchildren."
• "Uh, yeah, could someone please hand me my childhood memories? I’m just going to put them out on the sidewalk for big trash day along with a couple dot-matrix printers and the couch that’s been sitting on my porch since I moved in. They’re ruined now anyway."
• "Stephen Hawking orders new voice synthesizer on Amazon.com, stating that his current model “doesn’t shout ‘WTF’ emphatically enough.”
• "America’s favorite genre of television: shows about judging people. Awesome. Just like Jesus wanted. At the Bible’s request, I vote for a show about America taking time out of its busy day to tell people they suck at telling people they suck."
• "I also told her that I could not allow myself to be quoted using the word "tushie" because I am no longer four years old"
• "It features Times New Roman text on a black background and a slideshow that I’m pretty sure was made in a middle school computer lab in 1991."
• "perhaps you dont recognize the internet sensation 'little gay kid from youtube'?"
• "We've found that search engines don't work any better when you shout at them.'
• "You know, kind of like Bing, if Bing was something people used. "
• "If the Last Supper happened today, you'd barely be able to see Simon behind the buckets of chicken, Paul would be horking back a Double Down and Judas would be double-dipping egg-rolls in the ranch sauce."
• "When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up."
• Pro-lifers even stormed the premiere of the film version of Horton, parading around the theater chanting religious jargon, which tragically distracted from the valid attendees there to mourn the death of Jim Carrey's career."
• "and, contrary to hearsay, I didn't shoot myself in a bowling alley in Billings, Montana. I have never even been to Montana."
• "When on the lemonade diet do you have to use the maple syrup?"
• "These kids will often cry about how much their life "sucks", because they get so much pre-algebra homework, and because no one left comments on their Myspace."
• "A cereal that leaves your mouth with an aftertatse of a wet book."
• " 17-year-old Miley acting like a 21-year-old college skank that has grown so immune to ruffies and tequila shots that they have actually become a part of her morning regimen."
• "If you watch enough daytime soap operas, then you already know the horrifying truth: Everyone on earth has an evil twin (or doppelgänger, if you will) roaming around and acting like a jerk. You have a doppelgänger, your dog has a doppelgänger, and your mom has a doppelgänger. Everybody has a doppelgänger—except for me. As it turns out, I'm someone else's doppelgänger."
• "A less than perfect person would look at a deep fried Mars bar wrapped in bacon and think “man, that’s a slippery slope towards sleeping in a tub full of butter."
• "It only seems logical that spending hours upon hours surfing the abyss of the Internet will eventually destroy your brain. Five minutes of reading YouTube comments alone should probably wipe out your capacity to do long division without a calculator."
• "Lets just say, that flounder got punched in the head and thats why he doesent remember how the original story went. And ariel didnt litsen to him when he told about how they met; she just pretented to be listening."
• "british petroleum? i thought it was british pizza!"
• "Don't wear mom jeans to the family reunion. it'll embarrass my aunt."
• "Memorizing is also a sort of recording. Stop remembering this!"
• " It’s like a bowl full of shit that someone smashed into paste with a sugar cane."
• "What we ended up with was dough that had dehydrated into leather wrapped around a molten core of fuck you."
• "Next time my self-esteem is down I'll just remind myself that some asshole had so little to do in his life that he cut a perfect cross-section of a noodle cup to illustrate a carbohydrate and sodium injustice."
• "I read there was a picture of Banjo and Kazooie in Donkey Kongs's shower. Where is it?"
• "King K. Rool stole the banana hoard, though the reason why carnivores would need bananas is never explained."
• "Unfortunately for everyone involved, someone posted it to the Internet's scariest hive mind: 4Chan.org's notorious /b/ message board, and Tumblr."
• "Running your mouth to 4chan is like putting on a t-bone steak vest and throwing yourself at bears."
• "But here in the era of easy digital color correction, they've taken this so far that you get that ridiculous two-color system, where every room is bathed in blue and every human looks like he has a bad spray-on douche-tan."
• " New Englanders of all ages also enjoy ice cream socials.[citation needed]"
• "A band member brings a laptop onstage that won't be used for making music. Maybe "checking e-mail" is a hot new dance move, but do you really want to stick around and find out?"
• "I called them a bunch of a-holes and soccer-kicked the watermelon off the picnic table and into the bushes."
• "Fukalite: a rare form of calcium silicocarbonate mined in the Fuka region of Japan."
• "And sure, we'll go along with their mouth shapes perfectly matching the English words, even though it should look like a badly dubbed kung fu flick."
• "It's counter-intuitive, since the stereotype is that every hot girl is really a 40-year-old man, and the Internet in general seems to be made up of people playing characters behind anime avatars."
• "Then there's the Moderate Pain twins, one of whom is waiting patiently for you to finish your anecdote about your cat and the other has just discovered he's out of Cheerios."
• "But let's say there is an outbreak, like if one zombie was able to bite 30 people in the crowd at an Insane Clown Posse concert before they figured out it wasn't part of the show."
• "NO WE BLOODY DIDN'T, I HAD TO FIGHT A BOSS WITH A GODDAMN WOODEN STICK, YOU STUPID BOY"
• "Written by super-tard Tara Gilesbie, My Immortal was originally posted to fanfiction.net sometime in 2006, but was subsequently deleted by the ff.net staff after causing a severe drop in the site's collective IQ."
• "The general rule for determining a song's coolness should be one simple question: has the song been used in a KFC commercial? If the answer is "Yes", then that song is no longer cool."
• According to the story, somebody finds a beautiful old rug in an alley, takes it home and finds something horrifying wrapped inside (what some call "the Taco Bell burrito scenario").
• "We like to call it, "Regular Goth Dress While Grabbing Your Own Ass." We can't tell you the number of times we showed up to the Cracked Halloween party to find four other people dressed the same way."
• "-flips through notes- Errrrrr. So this is basically about Obama's bed wetting problem then?"
• "Also good: making racist comments at the dinner table while coughing up your teeth."
• "He was joined at the detox center by a French maid and a naughty border patrol agent."
• "Fuck you! Whose idea was this?"
• "i wouldnt eat that movie if it were a sandwhich."
• "Any of your family members seeing underwear and thinking of you is bad news."
• "

Well, while it's true that tanning is about as retarded as drinking radium..."

• "So you've got the symmetry of a Picasso portrait held by a drunk palsy-handed guy."
• "You may be surprised to learn that not all the stickiness on the floor is the result of spilled Pepsi and the vomit of children who couldn't handle the latest Pixar masterpiece."