- Today, I was driving down a small neighborhood street when I noticed my friend driving the opposite way. I decided to stick my hand out the window and see if he would high-five me. He did. It hurt. A lot.
- Last summer I was on a airplane and i'd bought some pringles to eat on the way. The guy next to me nudged me and showed me his passport. his name was Mr. Pringle. I ate pringles with mr. pringle. Made my day.
- In 2013, I am going to watch '2012' and laugh.
- Today, I was at the mall. The escalator was broken, but instead of the sign saying "Sorry, escalator is out of service," it said "Sorry, escalator is temporarily stairs."
- Today, my alarm went off to remind me to take my birth control. The alarm ringtone? "The Circle of Life" The irony makes me laugh everytime.
- Today, while getting ready for school, my six year old son told me he had tentacles. When I asked him what he meant, he told me that he had a penis and tentacles. I'm still not sure how I kept a straight face.
- Today, I was at Sears and I had overheard that Sarah Palin was at my local Borders. I went to check it out and it turns out she was. I went by her and screamed "Oh my God! It's Tina Fey!" Time well spent.
- Today, I ran into a vending machine and gummy worms fell out.
- Today, I was at church and some guy in the front row sneezed. The priest said "Bless you" and the guy said "Thanks". The priest replied "Just doing my job." I think I like this priest.
- Today it was so windy and rainy outside that my umbrella turned inside-out. I felt like Winnie the Pooh for a few seconds and proceeded to call it a blustery day.
- Today, i got a Waldo costume. I spent the whole day at the mall jumping out from behind corners yelling "Find Me!", then running away laughing. Eventually I did this to my best friend who was going into a book store. He chased me around the store until we were kicked out. The guys that kicked us out said he only did it because his boss told him to.
- A few days ago i found a grammatical mistake in my college english book. I emailed the company and informed them of this mistake. They sent me a check for the full value of my book. I felt like I was taking a bribe to keep my mouth shut.
- Today, I was learning Swedish on Rosetta Stone, and discovered that "babies" is said as "babesar," pronounced babisaur. Now every time I see a baby, I think of little dinosaurs. And I am never going to say "babies" in English again.
- Today, I was talking to my cousin about what she wanted for Christmas. She said "I wish for world peace," I answered "don't we all..." She looked at me and said "No, if that were true there WOULD be world peace." My cousin is 5. I am deeply humbled.
- Today, I created a Hannah Montana character on the Sims 3 so that I could lock her in an empty room and watch her go insane and die.
- Today, we had a new student in my class, so we were doing an ice breaking activity for him. One side of the room would be something like pizza, and the other chicken. So if you liked pizza better than chicken you would go to the pizza side, and vice versa. My teacher made one side Team Jacob and the other Team Edward. The new kid and I stayed in the middle. When asked what we were doing, we both replied in unison, "Team Harry."
- Today, a friend and I were forced to watch Twilight by our Twilight-obsessed friend. At one point my friend who doesn't like Twilight shouted, "Who cares?!" The next line of the movie was Kristen Stewart saying, "I don't care." Even Twilight sees no point in itself.
- Today I texted my father to go look up the new T-Pain music video "Take your shirt off," because it was filmed on my college's campus. He texted me back "Stop watching youtube and study for finals, or it is you who will be taking your shirt off to make a living."
- Today, we were in AP World History watching a video on the Mongols. During a rather boring part about an important figure's mother, the serious, deep-voiced narrator said, "His mother was of dubious birth. In other words, she was a whore." Our teacher laughed the hardest of all of us, and let us rewind it as many times as we wanted.
- Today, someone with the same name as me asked me to be his friend on facebook. I checked his friends list. He has 23 others with the same name. I accepted.
- Today, I went to my best friend's house to watch Love Actually. As I was trying to get the DVD player to work, I said "How do I turn the DVD player on?" and my friend's little brother said "try seducing it first." He is 7 years old.
- When I was a kid, I read the second Harry Potter book, where Harry finds out Voldemort's real name. My dad's name is Tom Riddle. I now refer to everyone in his family with a Death Eater code name.
- My friend was having an all girl sleep over down the street, and being a guy, I wasn't invited. So my other guy friends and I decided we would sneak into their house and scare them. We had a girl on the inside who was going to unlock the back door for us. On my way up the driveway (in full camouflage) I was gunned down by a garden hose and doused with flour. Never trust girls.
- Today at the mall, I needed to go up a level. The escalator was off, and for some reason, everyone was avoiding it and taking the stairs, leaving it completely empty. I strolled up it and laughed to myself as I watched all the others shoppers push their way through the crowds while I got a staircase all to myself.
- Last weekend, my fiance decided it would be funny to mock propose to me and have me deny and storm out of the restaurant. I did, and our waiter gave him a free dessert to-go. New favorite game? I think so.
- Today I got a physical. I’d been waiting in the examining room in my paper robe for half an hour and was trying to find ways to amuse myself. The doctor walked in to find me standing on the examining table, lifting up a ceiling panel and humming the james bond theme song.
- Today, my grandfather became a legend when he escaped from the nursing home by running through the woods to his friend's house. Now the nursing home is setting up security. Coolest. Grandfather. Ever.
- The other day in church the sermon was on lasting relationships, so my preacher asked all the couples that had been together for 50 years to stand. He continued increasing the years until there was only one couple left standing. The congregation politely applauded, and the guy held up his hand for a high-five from his wife. She slapped his butt instead. I think God would have approved.
- Today, I was laying on the couch, my cat came and clawed me in the forehead so I sprayed her with a water bottle. A few minutes later, she came back and flung water off of her paw onto my face. My cat had gone to the kitchen stuck her paw in the water bowl and came back on three legs just to get payback. We now have a new favorite game to play.
- Today, I passed by a British man on the sidewalk. Loving his accent, I said " 'Ello!" as I walked by. He stopped, turned around, and yelled "PIP PIP! Cheerio! Wot wot! 'Ello guvnuh! Good day to you, sir!" then continued on his merry way. I freaking love British people.
- Today, my brother had a friend over. They decided to watch a movie. When I walked into the room, they were holding each other and sobbing. They're 17 year old guys. They were watching Up.
- Today, I thought I was texting a friend saying "where you be bitch," when I was actually texting my mom. (Their names are side-by-side in my phone) She responded "home, son of a bitch." I laughed so hard and we agreed to never speak of it again.
- Today was my first day in my new apartment complex. The building has hand scanners intead of room keys, because according to the apartment company, "Everybody should feel like a secret agent!" The elevator also plays the James Bond theme. I think I'm going to like it here.
- My dad always told me not to get a tattoo. His reason: When you're a criminal and on the run, you don't want something permanently identifiable on your body. Thanks, dad, for believing in my criminal ambitions.
- Today, I visited my grandmother in a nursing home, on my way out, and old man stopped me thinking I was his granddaughter. We ended up talking for two hours, and when his real granddaughter showed up, he screamed imposter and chased her in his wheel chair. I'm starting to believe he really is my grandfather.
nov 16 2009 ∞
apr 22 2010 +