- I don't want you to find me. I mean nothing bad by this. I just need to know that someone out there listens and understands and doesn't try to sleep with people even if they could have. I need to know that these people exist.
- I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.
- As much as I feel sad, I think that not knowing is what really bothers me.
- To tell you the truth, I think I made them all nervous.
- One thing I do know is that it makes me wonder if I have "problems" at home but it seems to me that a lot of other people have it a lot worse.
- Some people really do have it a lot worst than I do. They really do.
- And they kissed and talked about movies, and she missed him terribly because he was her best friend.
- The truth is, I could have hurt him a lot worse. Maybe I should have.
- I guess he stood up to his bully. And I guess that makes sense.
- Maybe it's sad that these are now memories.
- The thing is some girls think they can actually change guys. And what's funny is that if they actually did change them, they'd get bored. They'd have no challenge left. You just have to give girls some time to think of a new way of doing things, that's all. Some of them will figure it out here. Some later. Some never. I wouldn't worry about it too much.
- And I wonder if anyone is really happy. I hope they are. I really hope they are.
- we accept the love we think we deserve.
- I'm trying not to be.
- Then, I turned around and walked to my room and closed my door and put my head under my pillow and let the quiet put things where they are supposed to be.
- Not everyone has a sob story and even if they do, it's no excuse.
- I couldn't tell if she was sad or just knew more things than me.
- I feel infinite.
- And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.
- It's not a movie kind of love either.
- I just think it's bad when a boy looks at a girl and thinks that the way he sees the girl is better than the girl actually is.
- I am really in love and it hurts very much.
- And I guess she was just dying to tell someone.
- I don't know the significance of this but I find it very fascinating.
- They talk about books and issues and kiss in the rain.
- I am very interested and fascinated by how everyone loves each other but no one really likes each other.
- It looked like magic. Like we were somewhere else. Like we were someplace better.
- Everyone was quiet. A very sad quiet. But the amazing thing was that it wasn't a bad sad at all. It was just something that made everyone look around at each other and know that they were there.
- Do you know what I mean? That nice feeling when you look in the mirror and your hair's right for the first time in your life? I don't think we should base so much on weight, muscles, and a good hair day but when it happens, it's nice. It really is.
- It was the kind of kiss that I could never tell my friends about out loud. It was the kind of kiss that made me know that I was never so happy in my whole life.
- And things were okay for a little while.
- I went into my room and read. I wasn't hungry anymore anyway. I just wanted to be in a quiet place.
- But I did do it to myself.
- We just want her to know that we miss her, and we think of her and she was special. She didn't get that enough when she was alive.
- She was a very unhappy person most of her life.
- In other words, there was no pain. There was no pain anymore.
- I would do anything to make this go away. I miss her terribly. I have to stop writing now because I am too sad.
- And because I don't want to start thinking again. Not like I have this last week. I can't think again. Not ever again.
- I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you exist. Or something like that. I think wanting this is very morbid but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it to all stop spinning.
- I guess what I'm saying is that this all feels very familiar. But it's not mine to be familiar about. I just know that another kid has felt this.
- And all the books you've read have been read by other people. And all the songs you've loved have been heard by other people. And that girl that's pretty to you is pretty to other people. And you know that if you looked at these facts when you were happy, you would feel great because you are describing "unity".
- I hadn't looked at myself in the mirror for a long time because my face was different and frightened me.
- That scared me a lot. It scared me how much it scared me. Being punished for something you did not do. Or being an innocent victim. It's just something that I never want to experience.
- but really, he isn't like anybody but himself.
- the problem with things is that everyone is always comparing everyone with everyone and because of that, it discredits people.
- I just laid around in my bed, looking at the ceiling, and I smiled because it was a nice kind of quiet.
- I know it's wrong to want something like that, but I really did.
- I wish I could stop being in love. I really do.
- I don't feel very well because everything is messy.
- She really did look sad, and I wished I could have made her feel better, but sometime, I guess you just can't.
- This was a different kind of crying. It kind of frightened me.
- I honestly don't remember much about it. It's all a very sad daze.
- and how different her face looked for the first time she really liked a boy who was not on a poster on her wall. And how her face looked when she realised she was in love with that boy.
- It's like she suddenly remembered where we were and what had just happened and how crazy our whole conversation was considering all that.
- All I could do was lie there and think about how much her voice changed when she asked me if she was pretty, and how much she changed when I answered.
- I know that was the wrong thing to do, but I thought that if I didn't take a break, I would do something worse.
- Maybe this is the way things are supposed to be, but it doesn't feel right.
- She also said that people who try to control situations all the time are afraid that if they don't, nothing will work out the way they want.
- I have made a terrible mess of things. I really have. I feel terrible about it.
- But I wasn't grateful. I wasn't grateful at all. Don't get me wrong. I acted like I was. But I wasn't.
- Maybe I should've been honest then, but it didn't feel like the right time.
- Not thinking anything. Not feeling anything. Not hearing the record. For hours. Something really is wrong with me. And I don't know what it is.
- I know that I brought this all on myself. I know that I deserve this. I'd do anything not to be this way. I'd do anything to make it up to everyone.
- Just tell me how to be different in a way that makes sense. To make this all go away. And disappear. I know that's wrong because it's my responsibility and I know that things get worse before they get better but this is a worse that feel too big.
- To tell you the truth, I've just been avoiding everything.
- because things change. And friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody.
- But then I stopped because it started to make me too sad.
- It's strange how things can change back as suddenly as they changed originally. When one thing happens and suddenly, things are back to normal.
- I feel good. You know what I mean? Really good. Like I'm free or something. Like I don't have to pretend anymore.
- Things'll be different there. They have to be.
- It all feels very exciting. I wish it were happening to me.
- I wonder what it will be life when I leave this place.
- I would die for you. But I won't live for you.
- I'm just lucky that I have so much schoolwork and don't have a lot of time to think.
- I have to stop spinning out like this. Okay.
- The reason I am thinking so far in advance is because school is terribly lonely. I think I've said that before, but it's getting harder everyday.
- And I guess I realised at that moment that I really did love her. Because there was nothing to gain and that didn't matter.
- The one thing I noticed was how different everyone looked.
- I couldn't really tell if she was happy or sad, but it was enough just to see her and know that she was there.
- And finally, just when you think you'll never get there, you see the opening right in front of you.
- And there it is. The city. A million lights and buildings and everything seems as exciting as the first time you saw it. It really is a grand entrance.
- She held me a little closer. I held her a little closer. And we kept dancing.
- By the time I got to school, I felt like dying.
- It's strange the times people choose to be generous.
- She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time.
- The inside jokes were jokes anymore. They had become stories. and nobody felt as long as we could postpone tomorrow with more nostalgia.
- I don't know what to say. Honestly, I was lost.
- And if it meant that I would never get to think of you that way, as long as you were happy, it was okay. That's when I realised that I really loved you.
- It's sweet and everything but it's like you're not even there sometimes. It's great that you can listen and be a shoulder to someone but what about when someone doesn't need a shoulder. What if they need the arms or something like that? You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that it counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things.
- At those times, you weren't being his friend at all. Because you weren't honest with him.
- If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it, too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me. And if they do something I don't like, I'll tell them.
- She was starting to cry a little. But she wasn't sad.
- So, why would I care whether or not he loved me when he didn't really know me?
- I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm going to be who I really am. And I'm going to figure out what that is. But right now I'm here with you. And I want to know where you are, what you need, and what you want to do.
- And we were together. And I was ruining it. Just ruining it. Just terrible. I felt so terrible.
- I felt like I wanted to die.
- I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like all I can do is keep writing this gibberish to keep from breaking apart.
- I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. I know other people have it a lot worse.
- I'd do anything not to think that. I know I'm thinking too fast again, and it's all in my head like the trance, but it's there and it won't go away.
- And we could all sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other and blame a lot of people for what they did or didn't do or what they didn't know. I don't know. I guess there could always be someone to blame.
- I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.
- Even if somebody else has it much worse, it doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have. Good and bad.
- It's okay to feel things. And be who you are about them.
- That was the amazing part. Things just keep going.
- And I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite.
apr 11 2012 ∞
apr 11 2012 +
apr 11 2012 +