• it is 1 am
• and i feel like my soul is rotting

//

• the world’s settings were already stuck on hard mode
• and someone keeps ratcheting up the difficulty

//

• i don’t know what to call it
• i’m not unlucky
• all things considered
• and if i follow the breadcrumb trail my brain leaves me
• things usually work out alright

//

• but everything stacks up when it shouldn’t
• when i can’t bear the full load
• and so things get left behind

//

• i’m making the right decisions
• the hard choices
• following my gut

//

• so why does my life feel like a serious of cruel and unusual punishments?

//

• maybe the world is random
• and you just deal with it
• but that is too simple for my complicated brain
• that sees patterns in everything
• that is sometimes useful
• but so often is not

//

• i’m doing everything mostly right
• i don’t know how i’m supposed
• to find the willpower to push to the edge
• and teeter perfectly on it.
• i’ve burned out too many times
• to make that mistake again.

//

• why do i feel so old
• and why am i still here
• when so many that i feel were better
• didn’t make it?

//

• that question plagues my mind
• and i can’t accept that i’m stronger
• or luckier
• or just more able to survive.
• because i’m so
• tired.
• so i pick up that old bit of faith that sits somewhere in my belly
• and figure out what i’m gonna do with it.

//

• i pick myself up again and i do my best to sleep
• and i give the next day a shot.
• hoping and believing
• it will be a little easier
• that i’ll turn a corner.
• that this guilt will leave me alone
• i fall again into a restless sleep and try another day.
• one.
• day.
• more.