A therapy journal #21:

• Left out, because everybody seems to have their own activities and I'm not part of them. I think they're always unavailable every time I sought for somebody to talk to/to have conversation with, even for a small talk.
• Anxious, because I keep thinking about everything and it makes me feel really uneasy, literally everything from how this universe works to what kind of clothes I should wear in a specific occasion. These thoughts occupied my mind and every time I try to get them out of my mind, I become even more anxious.
• Insecure, because I think everything about me is never good enough. I always doubt things that I would do and fear to be failed and worry about what other people might think about me. To overcome with this insecurity I have to hear other's confirmation; I have to get people say that I am an attractive woman, smart academician, clever researcher, critical & creative thinker, a good archer, and a potential chess/sudoku player. I want to be the best person I could ever be but at the same time I know I have insufficient and inadequate qualities/capabilities to fulfill my excessive expectations.
• Vapid, because I don't have wide & deep knowledge. My knowledge from important subjects to trivial information such as movies, movie directors, TV shows/series, books and musics is very limited. Sometimes I feel I can't keep the conversational pace between my friends because I don't know what they're talking about.
• Weak, because I can not control my self. I can not control everything about my self. From hunger to emotional burst to endless series of overthinking.
• Fat and ugly, because I hate my reflection. I hate these fats and stretch marks in my arms, stomach, and thighs. I hate the size of my feet, it's too big for an Asian woman. I hate my skin tone. I hate my short hair, I can't wait for it to grow longer. I hate the shape and size of my bosoms. I hate some parts of my skin.
• Taciturn, because I just want to tell people what I want them to know. Sometimes this could turn into slyness, depends on the motives behind it. I call it taciturn when I'm saying little because I am afraid to be wrong; turned into slyness whenever I could take advantage from it.
• Lonesome, because no one knew the deepest secret kept within me and I couldn't tell it to anybody.