been a pretty long time since the last time i posted something here. facebook isn't a thing anymore they said, and i do agree for some reason but go off. facebook is undeniably everyone's very first social media, including myself. there are lots of my old things i can found in this platform. i still remember the first time when i got introduced to internet, it was in 2009 when i was at grade 5th. it didn't take so long for me to understand everything like at least i know how to got myself into youtube then lol but that was like... 10 years ago? how the hell time flies this fast. the term adult is just sickening. no, it's mixed actually. sure we have our own freedom, we can make our own decision, getting paid, anything you name it. adulthood means we need to be more responsible to absolutely everything. it sucks. 2018 was my worst year to ever happened to me. i don't know how much i cried and blamed myself for everything that has happened to me last year. i feel like i was on my lowest then, i reached to the point where i didn't want to meet my friends anymore. the fear of this and that, not being capable with anything so that people would judge the f*ck out of me, and all those suicidal thoughts and nightmares that kept haunted me to sleep. these shit hurted me both mentally and physically. i also lost my 5,000k on june last year means my financial was also robbed then lmao. thankfully i was being able to went through it all.

2019 just started with things i never expected to happen before. this year is kinda full of surprise for me. i feel like i'm slowly changed but in a good way of course. i'm grateful for this change, to be honest. it's hard to get out of routine and start something i have never thought i would be able to do, but here i am doing that exact thing right now lol. life must be going on nonetheless. things do change and people aren't always going to be at my side, we have to deal with it. i've been told by a friend that having a secure job is the only way to live the life or at least go find a decent job that willing to pay me more not minding even if i hate the job itself... both either make absolutely no sense to me but i can fully understand what she meant, it is just me who don't agree with her statement at all. in the end of the day, we live our entire lives with the mindset that we're doing the best for ourselves, we are hoping to be it. i realized this recently and i have put myself on a path that will allow me to do what i like to do, despite what others think is best for me. i've stopped letting their [judging] opinions gets to my nerves. people are scarier than i thought. no one ever can cross my line. i don't need the unnecessary negativity and stress that they carry around with them. our habits, thoughts and way of life have to change as we change or we will constantly be miserable.

i also got reminded how dumb myself is (because i still am haha) back on my school days. it is just funny when those memories come on my mind out of sudden. the old sega who liked to fangirl over people that don't know her existence, the old sega who wrote a cheesy fan fiction when she was 12, the old sega who spent most of her time on both tumblr and twitter rather than doing her school-task, the old sega who addicted to a doujinshi and read them happily without any risk, and those many version of "the old sega being blablabla" i can't write them all here. it's just warm me sometimes and the fact i enjoyed my old days so far, only if i can go back to times then i would. being on tumblr all day to post my graphic? livejournal to write-down my own thoughts? archiveofourown to post both my own fan fiction and original fiction? last.fm to scrobble my favorite track? 8tracks to make my own playlists? wow, i'm so used to those sites considering they might lost their old users and its popularity now. there are stuff i wrote on my old books and i just laughed at it. i do even still have this kpop lyrics books thingy i singlehandedly made in 2011 to 2013 continuosly only to keep my favorite songs so i don't have to look over the desktop whenever i want to sing it lmao. liking kpop isn't as bad as what locals could think of only if you can behave yourself there, the stereotypes must've be died ages ago. i must thank bangtan and red velvet for being a part in my youth. i may not going to be with them till the end, but i will always cherish them as my youth's pride. them kings and queens only. also that time when i woke up on 2 am only to watch haikyuu new season exclusively fresh from the oven. see? i once was one of those weebs. the funniest thing is when i got into kpop roleplayer world 7 years ago. some good shits were there for sure. truly unbelievable. i miss my school days so much. don't you just get some type of feeling on stuff you've done in the past? it can be peak cringey but you will still smiling at them.

my life is [barely] here. being look up as a role model for my own student is something i never imagined; kids are... so honest. i never get complimented about my looks but my student. she said that i looked pretty with my lipstick on; this really made my day. getting into relationship? i'm not sure since it doesn't really matter for me to put myself into a relationship. the fact that i've never being into this kind of thing, but it'll be good if we have our own life-partner. lastly, i have to keep reminding myself that i need to stop live-up-to people's expectation, even if it's happen to be my closest friend lol. the only expectations i have to live-up-to is my own. having friends around or none, it will never affect my whole life i guess, i still have my own family. friends can appear right before our eyes. friendship doesn't really exist. i'm not saying every friendships are fake or what but sometimes we need to face the reality that things don't go as well as we wished to be. i had a group of friends since i was in middle school that could turn to for anything, but flashforward to my after-graduation life, i'm back to where i started. i was down right sick of everything around me. not life itself, just the things and places and people. at this point, i figured that sometimes people you think they will be your only bestest best friends but eventually they are the one who left you, and people you rarely spoke-to now surprisingly become your favorite person. this really happen to me... i was so upset and disgusted at first but again, people are full of craps. now god gifted me this one person to rely on. i'm so grateful for her :( ♡

anyway that old building, road, or trees you walk around every day may become your favorite place on earth. you have to take the time to look around and notice little things that have always existed. don't be afraid to break over your comfort-zone, things happen to disturb the routines and makes it even harder.

• ps. crossposted from my own facebook.