it's a pessimistic night.

• time is moving too slowly
• i know i'm not going to be able to sleep
• i've talked to my boyfriend for a grand total of 7 minutes in the last four days
• i left the book i want to read downstairs but i don't want to go downstairs to get it (aka laziness)
• one of my best friends is in a bad relationship and i have to keep counseling her and she won't listen when i tell her to just break up with him already because he's no good for her
• i have this urge to get a twitter account even though i disapprove of twitter (i don't know what's going on there)
• one of my rl friends does vlogs! i've always wanted to get the courage to vlog! i'm jealous!
• none of the icons i make turn out the way they're supposed to look
• my mom is being all condescending like "oh it must be sooooo difficult to find clothes that fit you properly when you're a size 2." but yes it is because my waist is the size of a 00 and my hips are either a 2 or a 4 depending on the store so no pants fit me. ever.
• and despite knowing that i'm somewhere between a 00, 2, and 4, i feel fat because i'm all menstrually bloated. and i feel bad about that because i know i'm not but i still feel like i am. :(
• my room starts smelling like burned peanut butter periodically which doesn't sound like it's the worst smell, but it is when it lingers for two hours. and no amount of good-smelling stuff gets rid of it and seriously where is it coming from because nobody in my house is cooking right now.
• i never know if "i'll call you later" means "i'll call you later tonight" or "i'll call you in four days or whenever i feel like talking to you again."
• and i hate that he said he was going to take a nap because i don't want to wake him up and i never know if it's going to be a half hour nap or a four hour nap.
• and i haven't talked to him in four days, except for seven minutes earlier tonight and i miss him and all this not talking is making me wonder if he misses me and still loves me and if it's a bad idea to move in with him, however briefly.
• because we used to talk for like an hour every night at the beginning of the summer when i would cry and cry and cry because i missed him so much and now i'm ... alright. being away from him, not that i like it, but i can handle it. but that doesn't mean that i want to talk to him for only seven minutes during the entire course of the week and i don't get why he doesn't understand that.
• and i don't get why he can't express the fact that he misses me.
• i wish you could set listography permissions to "friends only" or "only those i'm following" or "specific users" or something like that because this is a nice long rant that normally i would save for my lj friends to have the pleasure of reading but then i would have to use proper spelling and grammar and capitalization and whatnot and i just do not feel like doing that at this moment in time.
• the way i'm typing this is really getting on my nerves, but i'm just letting all my thoughts spill out and foregoing the proper punctuation and all that. my brain is happy to get it all out but the editor in me in cringing.
• there's a furniture commercial on tv that uses improper punctuation and it pisses me off every time i see it. they say that they're having a sale on "sofa's". your sofa is not possessive, nor is it doing something. (as in "the sofa is...")
• for some reason the dryer didn't dry my clothes all the way so i had to redry them and that makes me feel like i wasted a lot of energy even though i set it to a really low time and they weren't dry anyway. and i hate feeling like i'm raising the electric bill.
• i can't fall asleep without sleeping pills anymore, and even though they're just over-the-counter, i still feel bad for taking them and it worries me because i don't want to have to take them for the rest of my life.
• and some idiot is walking their dog right now. it's 11pm.
• i just want to go to bed but my raspberries aren't ready on farm town and i can't go to bed without harvesting them and plowing the fields because i really want to level up to 30 before katherine does.
• i found out today that my mom only makes $1 more an hour than i do and that makes me feel really guilty because i feel bad for her but i also never want to end up in that kind of financial situation. and i'm mad at myself because i keep thinking that it's all her fault because she left a job where she was making at least 4x more, even though i know that she had to because that job was making her sick and it just wasn't okay to have to work 6am-5pm and then be on call for whenever anything bad happened. i have really really mixed feelings about it.
• i'm contemplating just deleting this list because i don't like it.

but. the one shining moment in my day:

• i got my fair paycheck and it was $652. but yeah, it'll be gone in one trip to the university bookstore. (ahsldfkj, there's that pessimism again :/)
• oh but i just remembered that i have a gift card for the uw bookstore and maybe that means i can put some of that money on my food account so i don't have to starve! yesss!