• i might as well explain the laws of thermodynamics to a bunch of labradoodles.
• you seem like a perfectly pleasant person. i can't understand why women have such a hard time loving you.
• i am given to understand that your mother is overweight.
• gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple.
• look at my arms flailing! i'm like a flamingo on ritalin!
• a little misunderstanding?! galileo and the pope had "a little misunderstanding."
• the wheel was a "great idea." relativity was a "great idea." this is a notion... and a rather sucky one, at that.
• well, today we tried masturbating for money.
• i have a very wide circle. i have 212 friends on myspace.
• oh, i'm sorry. did i insult you? is your body mass somehow tied into your self-worth?
• this is not anyone's home, this is a swirling vortex of entropy!
• i don't know your odds in the world as a whole, but as far as the population of this car goes, you're a veritable mac daddy.
• coffee's out of the question. when i moved to california, i promised my mother I'd stay away from drugs.
• at least now you can retrieve the black box from the twisted smoldering wreckage that was once your fantasy of dating her and analyze the data so that you don't crash into geek mountain again.
• i think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with penny as the hubble telescope does of discovering that in the center of every black hole there's a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker.
• score one for liquor and poor judgment.
• oh gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.
• lois lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second... superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel... miss lane, who is now traveling at approximately 120 miles an hour, hits them and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces.
• i am truly sorry for what happened last night. i take full responsibility and i hope it won't color your opinion of leonard, who is not only a wonderful guy but also, i hear, a gentle and thorough lover.
• this is a poncho! serapes are closed, ponchos are open to the sides, this is a poncho! and neither is an excuse to call someone's mother.
• do you know what’s interesting about caves, leonard? nothing.
• i've been giving this a lot of thought, and i've decided i'd be willing to be a pet to a superintelligent alien race.
• i'm polymerized tree sap and you're an inorganic adhesive, so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns to its original projectory and adheres to you.

there are so many more.