- Dammit, he put my stapler in Jell-O again!
- A hero kills people, people that wish him harm. A hero is part human and part supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster, that must be avenged.
- In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. I'm dead. Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.
- Count Choculitis ... Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
- Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
- If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.
- We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart and I'm like... Mozart's friend. No. I'm like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like... Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart? You're gonna get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
- I'm a Sith lord!!
- This is not a toy, this is a message to the entire office so that everyone can see I can physically dominate them.
- I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran killed twenty men and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.
- Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets Christmas.
- Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. Snare it. Then to keep it happy, you have to tame it. Feed it, care for it. Lovingly. The way an animal deserves. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.
- I can travel anywhere, except Cuba, and I will travel to New Zealand and walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor and I will hike Mount Doom.
- Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
- This is humongous. I am not a security threat. And, my middle name is "Kurt", not "Fart."
- Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
- Jim told me you can buy gaydar online.
- Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.
- I will lead you into the black with ferocity!
- When I die. I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time, to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.
- When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered, that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
- Just as you have planted your seed into the ground, I will plant my seed into you.
- Will Ryan become a loser, slacker like Jim or will he join the Dwight Army of Champions?
- When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. And right now, the title of Michael's book is.. "Something Weird Is Going On...colon...What Did Jan Say? The Michael Scott Story...by Michael Scott. With Dwight Schrute."
- So you're PMS'ing pretty bad, huh?
- It appears that the website has become alive. This happens to computers and robots sometimes. Am I scared of a stupid computer? Please. The computer should be scared of me. I have been salesman of the month for 13 of the last 12 months. You heard me right. I did so well last February that Corporate gave me two plaques in lieu of a pay raise.
- Shut up! Or I'm gonna punch you in the throat!
- Listen up kid! I don't like you. But because some town in Switzerland says so, you have rights.
- I am better than you have ever been and ever will be.
- Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user, virtual environment. It doesn't have points, or scores, it doesn't have winners or losers.
- The eyes are the groin of the head.
- I would make sure you were dead. Then I would remove your teeth, cut off your fingertips so you could not be identified. And they would call me the Overkill Killer.
- I keep various weaponry strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray I had velcroed under my desk. People say, oh it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home, or the workplace. Well I say, it's better to be hurt by someone you know, accidentally, than by a stranger, on purpose.
- Do I believe that Michael possesses the skills to survive a hostile environment? Let's put it this way: No. I do not.
- I will find her, and I will bring her to you. And as God as my witness, she shall bare your fruit.
- She was so young and now she is dead. As dead as every dead animal that has ever died.
- If I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks.
- I think his species might have a higher tolerance than ours.
- I've got a MadLib for you. A stupid, idiotic, numskull named Andy Bernard sold his Xterra to a smart and capable man named Dwight. This is shaping up to be an awesome day for Dwight.
- She... stinks. With her... ways. And her... head.
- I apologize for creating a ruse which caused you to exercise.
- What are you smiling about there, Smiley Pants?
- It's a trick question. The bread is poisoned. Also, it's not your real family. You've been cuckolded by a stronger, smarter male.
- Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision.
- BUTLICKER! OUR PRICES HAVE NEVER BEEN LOWER!
- I've caught Jim talking to himself several times today. What a loser. Get a friend, loser.
- Uhh, last I checked that's not an office building in the Andromeda galaxy.
- I love catching people in the act. It's why I always whip open doors.
- Men find me desirable.
- Spartans would leave a weak baby by the side of the road. My parents left me beside the road; I crawled home. Not so weak, huh mom?
- What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No. I go for the chandelier; it's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I love the cold. Thirty years later I get a postcard. I have a son. And he's the Chief of Police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.
nov 30 2008 ∞
nov 30 2008 +