• if you had to describe your 2017 in three words, what would they be?

hardening, tumultuous, wild

• what, or who, are you most thankful for?

shion will always be the best thing that has come into my life thus far, second only to writing and bangtan

• what new things did you discover about yourself?

i think this year i learned the most about how resilient a person i can be if i try. let me elaborate a bit: early 2017 was very hard because i was saving up for con tickets and worrying so much about money on top of being very stressed about passing high school and dealing with my toxic friend. i was starving every day because the only meal i would have was dinner which meant that in school i was always asking for leftover snacks from my friends and taking naps during recess and lunch breaks to fight off the hunger. i remember neglecting myself so much that i would only shower twice to thrice a week. and when spring day came out at 11pm, i remember listening to it on repeat until about 4am wondering why i was still alive and how i didnt even feel like a human being anymore and how it felt like i wasn't even going to make it to college even if i was already accepted and my future was just waiting there for me. i remember feeling so sad i wanted to disappear and leave everything behind. but every day i would pick myself up, grit my teeth, and deal with all my schoolwork enough to pass even if i had to break down in the middle. i was really just waiting for the concert that time but then my dad had to cancel my ticket to the 2nd day last minute and that broke me a bit too because he was already being such an ass about my grades too and telling me i wasnt going to graduate. i know i already had the 1st ticket but the thing is i get really bad post concert depression so i wanted to make sure i experienced it again in the back the day after. i really saved up for it so it made me really mad when he made me go so far as to go to the venue and sell it. but i lived through that as i lived through everything else and graduated high school. then, late 2017 was really hard too because i had dance practice from 8 to around 11 every day and i would have exams too and there was that time i even got very very sick. but i did the practices while enduring a high fever and cough for a week and still stayed up after until around 2 to study for math which was really fucking me over that time. at that time i really just wanted someone to take care of me or give me a break but no one did and im happy because emotionally i was strong enough to last through it all even though physically it was one of the most rigorous things i'd had to do. and it's not like the depression went away completely too, there were times during the sem i felt like i was drowning and had to cut class to deal with it and people started noticing and that worried me alot and i went through a whole crisis about my image. but i'm really glad i lasted through all that. it was really just a challenging year but i really did learn alot about myself in those times.

• what single achievement are you most proud of?

getting into admu with the course i wanted i guess? i'll never admit this to my dad because he's arrogant as hell and loves that i'm going to admu simply because he went there. but admu for me is a good school so far, even if it hasnt yet lived up to all my expctations. i feel like i'm meant to be here and that the people here are people i can really learn from and vibe with on an intellectual level. especially with my coursemates, i really feel like im right where i'm supposed to be.

• what was the best news you've ever received?

maybe when i found out my relatives were coming during the summer and taking me to thailand. that vacation was really fun and i missed my cousin alot so it was good getting to see her again, especially considering that one of my triggers was the fact that i was losing touch with my favorite cousins who are all in the states having fun together while i'm here in the philippines alone.

• what was your favorite place that you visited in 2017?

i had alot of fun in thailand with my relatives!!! it was short but sweet hehe

• which of your personal qualities turned out to be the most helpful this year?

i'm a little bold i guess, bordering on shameless HAHA but this helps me take risks which was a very good thing. during our orientation seminar i was able to put up a good image i think because i was very excited and game for everything and really put myself out there so i got tapped to be course representative??? like wow holy fuck and also i was able to do stuff i'd wanted to do for a long time that i couldnt do because of rules in high school. i went to rave parties and bars and kissed strangers and got high for the first time and i'm glad i was brave enough to try those things.

• who was your number one go-to person that you could always rely on?

UHM shion is my soulmate and i trust her with my life and even though we dont have anything in common, our differences complement eo and ty god for her always

• which new skills did you learn?

how to smoke and drink LMAO but more importantly how to endure the writing process. in 2016 i couldnt write long things because i get frustrated easily and want things done quickly but in early 2017 when i wrote alot of indie movie au, i learned how to sit down and have patience and just do the thing and WRITE you know, even if i didnt feel like it. i also learned how to budget my time better and study ahead because of math LMAO

• what one event are you going to tell your grandchildren about?

maybe that time i went with my not-so-close friends and their friends to a bar then to a club and tried to get in even though i was underage. it was probably the most scandalous thing i've done especially considering 1) i had to lie to my parents and get my friend to tell them i was sleeping over so i could go out, 2) had to get shion to edit my birth certificate so i could fake my age, 3) drunkenly yelled at my friend's boyfriend for being toxic, 4) got sexually harassed by one of my friend's guy friends, and 5) got very very stoned in this other dude's car when i couldn't get into the club. i think that was the culmination of all my wild experiences this year HAHA

• if someone wrote a book about your year, what genre would it be?

coming-of-age, definitely. lots of character development and new experiences, and me, coming out of 2017, significantly more hardened than when i came out of 2016

• what was the most important thing you learned in 2017?

i guess that i really dont need to change myself to appeal to men. like, the thing is you learn this because people older tell you to, right, but its different when you actually experience it?? i sometimes felt like i was putting on a mask whenever i would speak to boys in order to seem more Bro you know and i would catch myself with my group of guy friends mid-sentence like wtf who is this talking this isnt you. especially when i liked this guy, i felt like i had to seem so hateful so that we could relate more and i would fit into his idea of an ideal woman? but im really not a hateful person and im not aggressive too and i was telling myself june dont do it if you have to change for this fucker then he isnt worth it but its different when u think ure in love u kno. and in fact after the club incident, i realized that i dont even want/need a relationship at the moment not even because i'm hurt or scarred or whatever but because while the idea of being intimate with someone is very appealing, i cant really see myself doing it with just anyone??? and that made me think, hey am i ace, but then i just realized that even though i say my standards are p low bc im a v accepting person, i actually admittedly have pretty stringent standards and it's hard for just anyone to get it on with me dfkgjndfkgjn even if i tell everyone i'd get it on with just about anyone hhh. and that yk what, theres nothing wrong with that. i dont need to lower my standards just for the sake of having someone, yeah? and even when ppl do meet the standards i set objectively, i still might not be attracted to them and thats okay. which brings me to the bigGER lesson which is: you cant force yourself to love people romantically and vice versa. like, you could be the best person on the planet but you could just not be your crush's type and thats normal and acceptable and that does NOT mean that you are a lacking person. similarly, you cant just force yourself to love someone even if objectively they meet all your standards like sometimes you just /dont/ and thats okay!!!! because feelings are horribly irrational and its just a part of being human. yeah? yeah.

• which mental blocks did you overcome?

the early 2017 big depression altho that eased up once the circumstances were more favorable. also the writing thing where i learned to be more patient with myself. and the whole crisis about feelings that i mentioned above. and also the stuff about my image, ye!!!

• what five people did you most enjoy spending time with?

shion alw gon be number one on my list honey. then sam my cousin because i love her sm. thats it, every one can go home lmao

• what was your biggest break-through moment career wise?

well i did get that job in the summer which helped me haul in some cash but writing-wise i really did learn to be patient enough to write longer things. i'm still learning how to apply it every time i write, but at least now i know what it feels like because i did it once in early 2017 when i was writing indie movie au to relax.

• how did your relationship with your family evolve?

ever since i moved out i feel i've been less of a nuisance to my parents and that helps alot. if i stayed at my house, especially considering that my schedule is pretty wack during school days (and the fact that i do lots of wild stuff which they would find out about if i stayed), i wouldve gotten into lots of fights with my parents over curfew and going out with boys and whatever. so im glad that my absence in the house has made us all less stressed out, and also helped us to miss each other enough to have a better relationship when we do see each other

• what book or movie affected your life in a profound way?

pettey's works??? honestly??? especially my faves aka last life in the universe, love exposure, and a touch of sin, the first two being ones that i read in 2016, and the third one being one that i read in early 2017. she has such a good grasp on dialogue how to write jimin properly esp when the some of the fandom really butchers his personality and makes him really weak and pliant as a character when he's /not/ just because he looks quite soft. when she pointed that out to me i felt like i understood bangtan as characters better. her works are just so realistic? and human, you know? after reading her work, you can see how my writing took a sharp turn from poetically romanticizing everything to examining the gritty things the way they are and focusing more on the character development and humanity of a character, if that even makes any sense. the way i wrote dialogue changed too, and the themes i started writing became a little darker which i think has helped shape my niche? as a writer. something like that

• what was the best compliment that you received this year?
• what little things did you most enjoy during your daily life?