• "Your parents are probably wondering where you are."

"Nah... I mean, I'm already pregnant, so what other kind of shenanigans could I get into?"

• "I didn't think he had it in him."

"I know, right?"

• "So what's the prognosis, Fertile Myrtle? Minus or plus?"
• "That ain't no etch-a-sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, homeskillet."
• "So how far along are you?"

"I'm a junior."

• "I still have your underwear."

"I still have your virginity." "Would you shut up?"

• "As far as boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally boss. He is the cheese to my macaroni."
• "I'm just gonna go ahead an nip this thing in the bud. Cuz you know, they say pregnancy often leads to, you know……infants."
• "Hi, I'm calling to procure a hasty abortion..."
• "When you move out I'm getting two weimaraners!"

"WOAH DREAM BIG!" "Oh, go fly a kite!"

• "Like I'd marry you! You'd be the meanest wife ever, okay? And I know that you weren't bored that day because there was a lot of stuff on TV, and then 'The Blair Witch Project' was coming on Starz and you were like 'I haven't seen this since it came out and if so we should watch it' and 'but oh, no, we should just make out instead la la la..."
• "Would you like a free condom? They're boysenberry."

"No, thanks. I'm off sex right now." "My boyfriend wears them every time we have intercourse, it makes his junk smell like pie. "

• "Oh, I thought I would get some drinks. What would anyone like? I have Pellegrino, or Vitamin Water or Orange Juice or..."

"I'll have a Maker's Mark, please. Up." "She's kidding. Junebug has a wonderful sense of humor. Just one of her many genetic gifts. "

• "Oh, and she inexplicably mails me a cactus every Valentine's Day. And I'm like, 'Thanks a heap coyote ugly. This cactus-gram stings even worse than your abandonment.'"
• "Are you having boy troubles? Because I don't really approve of you dating in your condition. That's kind of messed up... kind of skanky. Isn't that what the girls call it these days? Skanky? Skeezy? You know, tore up from the floor up?"
• "I'm pregnant."

"What? Honest to blog? Are you sure it's not a food baby? Did you eat a big lunch?" "This is not a food baby all right? I've taken like three pregnancy tests, and I'm forshizz up the spout."

• "You should've gone to China, you know, 'cause I hear they give away babies like free iPods. You know, they pretty much just put them in those t-shirt guns and shoot them out at sporting events."
• "You should try Adderall."

"No thanks. I'm off pills." "Wise move. I know this girl who had a huge crazy freakout because she took too many behavioral meds at once. She took off all her clothes and jumped into the fountain at Ridgedale Mall and she was like, 'Blaaaaah! I'm a kraken from the sea!'" "I heard that was you." "Well, it was nice seeing you, Su-Chin."