come as you are

• everyone's genitals are made of the same parts, organised in different ways - no two alike, and everyone is good just the way they are
• the genitals in porn may be digitally altered, don't believe that everyone looks like or should look like that
• it's important to look at your own body and try to understand it (e.g. where is the clitoris)
• your brain has a sexual accelerator ('ons') that responds to sex-related stimulation (see, hear, smell, touch, taste, think/imagine/believe) that is connected to arousal and sexual breaks ('offs') that respond to potential threats (good reasons to not be turned on right now)
• there are virtually no innate sex-related stimuli or threat, it's all learned through our personal experience
• people vary in how sensitive our accelerator and breaks are, it's important to find out what things hit our accelerator and breaks - do this by reflecting on past experiences
• context (environment + mental state) is key - our brain's reaction to a sensation is context-dependent, some stimuli might feel good and arousing in one context but bad and like a turn-off (or just irritating) in another context (e.g. tickeling)
• when we are stressed out, our brain interprets just about anything as a potential threat, when we are turned on, our brain can interpret just about anything as sex-related and arousing
• stress reduces sexual interest in 80-90% of people and reduces sexual pleasure in everyone - deal with stress through exercise (and practice meditation regularly) to feel less stressed
• for most people, the best context for sex is low stress plus high affection plus explicitly erotic - we can reflect on our own 'sexy contexts' by thinking about past experiences
• in the right context, sex can create or re-enforce emotional bonds with our partner - sex and love are closely linked, but only in the right context
• to have more and better sex, give yourself a compelling reason to have sex, something important to move toward
• we all grew up hearing different (and often contradictory) messages about sex, that may lead to ambivalent feelings towards sex as an adult - be aware of those messages and choose which ones to believe
• health and beauty has nothing to do with your weight - enjoy living in your body and treat it well, then your sex life will get better
• sexual disgust hits the breaks, but it is learned, not innate, and can be unlearned - notice your 'yuck'-responses and ask yourself if those responses make your sex life better or worse, then consider letting go of them
• bloodflow to the genitals is a response to sex-related stimuli (learning - what we learned to be related to sex), which is not the same thing is liking or wanting, and it's definitely not consent
• men and women seem to be differnt in their concordance of genital responses and arousal, women might be turned on but still not be very wet - if that's the case, just use lube (and don't feel bad/weird about it)
• the best way to know if someone is turned on is not to see what their genitals are doing but to listen to their words (and believe them)
• some people have a spontaneous desire style - they want sex out of the blue - some have a responsive desire style - they want sex only when something pretty pleasurable is already happening - the rest (about half of all women) experience some combination of the two, depending on context
• if partners have different levels of sexual desire, the higher desire partner doesn't have the 'right' amount of desire and the lower desire partner doesn't have the 'wrong' amount of desire, and vice verca - people vary
• if spontaneous desire goes away, it's because the context changed, not because someone is broken - to bring it back, change the context
• desire is not what matters - pleasure is what matters
• if you create a context that tells your brain that the world is a safe, fun and pleasurable place, then you'll create sex worth wanting
• orgasms happen in your brain, not your genitals
• less than a third of women experience orgasms from vaginal penetration alone - the most common way for women to orgasm is through cliteral stimulation (and everyone is normal!)
• the quality of an orgasm is not determined by what kind of stimulation created it but by how enjoyable it is
• to have better orgasms, turn off more of the offs and turn the ons on more gradually
• the most important thing for a great sex life is to accept and welcome your sexuality as it is right now - let go of cultural standards, ideals, etc.
• give yourself permission to be whoever you are and feel whatever you feel and learn to be confident about it and enjoy it

come together

• pleasure is the measure of sexual wellbeing - not how much you want it (desire), how often you do it, with whom, where, when, or even if you have an orgasm, but whether or not you like the sex you are having
• the 'desire imperative' is a cultural narrative that says that spontaneous desire ist the measure of a good sex life, but actually responsive desire is more important for long-term relationships
• really think about what you want from sex - for most people it's connection, pleasure, feeling wanted, a sense of freedom from ordinary life or a mix of some or all of those
• our brains have a sexual accelerator and sexual breaks (see above), and most of the time the problem isn't too little accelaration but too much breaking
• we have been taught (by media etc.) that sex/desire should be a thing that just comes easily and naturally without working for it whatever else is going on in our lives, but that's just not true - sex depends on pleasure and pleasure depends on the context, and the context is not always in our control
• reframe: sex is a shared hobby - both partners collaborate on it because they like it, and sometimes it's simple, but sometimes it takes effort (e.g. to get better at it, to even find the energy to get started, ...)
• 'good' sex is sex you enjoy - it's that simple. (also practise savouring pleasure in all domains of your life)
• for a strong sexual long-term connection, it's most important to create a context that focuses on pleasure and makes it easy to access pleasure - see it as a fun joined project or hobby on which you collaborate
• pleasure-favourable emotions/states are lust, play and care, pleasure-adverse ones are fear, rage and panic/grief - figure out what makes it easy to transition from each of these states to lust (or adjecent states) and practice these transitions together
• confidence (knowing whats true) and joy (loving whats true) are keys to a good sex life - don't let media images of what bodies or sex should look like influence you
• 'sex life' isn't a spectrum from normal to broken to perfect, it's an ongoing cycle - always be kind and compassionate to yourself and your partner
• foundations for all relationships are trust and admiration - these can help to always find joy in each other's company and find the motivation to work through difficulties together
• calm, warm curiosity is the best tool for solving problems - adress the reality of your and your partners minds (likes and dislikes, needs, etc.) and bodies changing through time
• we don't have to follow any gender rules or stereotypes in the sex we're having, it's all about what feels good to us
• pressure is a problem for many couples (because it hits the breaks and makes it even more difficult to desire/enjoy sex) - sex should not be a power struggle but feel like a mutual, joyful hobby
• in some phases of our lives, our circumstances (= context) makes it really hard to want/enjoy sex, our partners can only try to be understanding and maybe help us free up energy for pleasure
• talking about sex should not hit our breaks for sex - communication is key! (it's not the talking about sex but our idea of what that means and how sex should be, e.g. spontaneous and easy without 'having to' give the other person directions, that hit the breaks)
• for some couples, planning/scheduling sex can help create a context that makes pleasure accessible, for some it doesn't and that's okay - alternatively you can also plan situations/contexts that specifically activate your accelerators and decrease things that hit your breaks
• wanting to feel wanted/desired is normal, but it can be difficult to navigate because it can't be forced - it doesn't always have to be through spontaneous desire, think about what other behaviours make you feel loved and wanted