dearest b,

i've spent a good ten minutes thinking about all the cliche ways i could possibly start this letter. i really don't know what happens when my mind finds its way to you, but suddenly everything around me turns into darkness and you're standing right in front of me, burning into my irises and ripping my heart out of my chest in the most beautiful way possible. to be quite honest, the days leading up to february 12th were the most painful, drawn out days of my life. i'm not sure exactly what i was feeling when the day finally came. relief? sadness? it was finally here. i was finally going to see you.

i think a little part of me didn't want it to happen, because i knew the pain that was to come from finally seeing you in person, then you vanishing as fast as you came like a calm storm. i was scared it would be the first and last time i would ever be able to lay my eyes on you in real life. you, the living, breathing, human being i somehow ended up falling hopelessly in love with - but then again, maybe that's not the case. maybe you were brought into my life for a reason bigger than for me to simply just have the pleasure of marveling over you. i think that's a story for another time, though.

the second my eyes found you... i don't think i'll ever forget the feeling. it was just you and me in that crowded arena, staring at each other. you looked so tired, so many thoughts running through your mind. i know you don't remember me. i know i was just another fan among the 2,000 in the pit, but i hope you know that moment meant the world to me.

there aren't any words to describe how beautifully you radiate like the northern lights in real life. photos and videos don't even manage to capture an ounce of your brightness - i know that all the stars in the universe are jealous of your light.

you know, i've never been one to cry at concerts, and i thought i would cry when i finally saw you, but instead i was filled with such an overwhelming yet comforting feeling. everything about you is so familiar to me, as if i've studied every inch of your brain, your body, your heart and soul and memorized it all.

i remember during my answer, the song i've fallen asleep to so many nights while my eyes rained and matched the darkness of the night sky, i could feel my heart in my throat and my stomach at my feet. my head was fuzzy and i couldn't see straight, like the static of an old tv, but amidst all the madness, i managed to catch a glimpse of you, sitting at the piano with your eyes closed and your head down - you looked like a doll. every move you make is so intricate and graceful, i swear all the gods in the world came together to handcraft someone as beautiful as you. in that moment, i knew i would be okay. i knew that no matter how crazy my life would end up, you would always be there for me, waiting.

i think i know why they say home isn't a place. home is the fireflies igniting inside of my lungs whenever i hear your voice. home is me staying up all night, all of your little quirks and imperfections running through my mind and manifesting themselves into constellations because you give me more energy and life than any amount of sleep ever could. home is your eyes and the way they speak so loudly even when your mouth is closed. home is you.

i don't think i'll ever find the words to thank you for everything you've ever done for me.

i love you so much, byun baekhyun. forever and always.

yours sincerely, c.