• Kurt: "It's gonna be magical!"
• Finn: -cheery- "Hey guys, how's it going? God, it's a beautiful day. Let’s run through the number. I can’t wait to do the number. I’m ready and excited. Are you guys? Stand up. Come on. Let’s get this joint jumping."
• Kurt: "Hi, I'm Kurt and I'll be auditioning for the role of kicker."
• Kurt: "Everyone raise your right hand. Other hand Brittany.."
• Kurt: "Ohh! Sneak attack! Back to the ring."
• Kurt: "Can I pee first?"
• Artie: "You know, the more she storms out, the less impact it has.."
• Sue: "Now I'm off to do a satellite interview. That's lingo, again for..via satellite."
• Mercedes: "Well, you busted my heart."
• Artie: "Wait a minute ya'll. This dance ain't for er'body; only the sexy people. So all you fly mothers, get out there & dance. Dance I said! Holla!"
• Kurt: "One day, you will all work for me."
• Artie: "Sssss."
• Rachel: "Have you ever liked somebody so much you just wanna lock yourself in your room, turn on sad music and cry?" -flashback of Emma sobbing in car- Emma: "Nope!"
• Finn: "I have to go. They'll think I'm pooping."
• Kurt: "I don't know why I find his stupidity charming. I mean, he's cheating off a girl who thinks the square root of four is rainbows. I guess that's love for you."
• Rachel: "You may think that every guy in school would totally want to tap this but my MySpace schedule keeps me way too busy to date."
• Mercedes: "Oh hell to the no! Look, I'm not down with all this background singing nonsense. I'm Beyoncé, I ain't no Kelly Rowland!"
• Sue: "Santana! Wheels! Gay Kid! Asian! Other Asian! Aretha!"
• Sue: "Iron pill? Keeps you strong while menstruating." Will: "I don't menstruate." Sue: "Me neither."
• Puck: "The wheelchair kid's right. That Rachel chick makes me want to light myself on fire, but she can sing."
• Brittany: "He barks at my mom."
• Finn: "Ah me.." Mercedes: -fake concerned voice- "What's wrong?" Puck: "We just lost our jobs..at the factory." Rachel: "Chipper up!"
• Kurt: -come hither-
• Artie: "Preach!"
• Brittany: "..I find recipes confusing."
• Brittany: "Coach Sylvester didn't tell me to do this."
• Kurt: "At least you won't have to worry about me getting someone pregnant. -chuckles-"
• Finn: "Do you think I have a potato head?"
• Finn: "Isn't that kinda dangerous..?"
• Puck: "Hey ankle grabber. I slept with your mom. No, really. I cleaned your pool, and then I slept with your mom - in your bed. Nice Star Wars sheets."
• Kurt: "My body is like a rum chocolate souffle. If I don't warm it up right, it doesn't rise."
• Rachel: "Thank you so much, it really is a pleasure. While the boys chose a selection of songs that cast an eye inward on the irresponsible life choices and sexual hunger of today's teens, we've chosen a selection of songs that speaks to the nation as a whole during these troubling times filled with economic uncertainty and unbridled social war because, if there's two things America needs right now, it's sunshine and optimism..also angels."
• Sue: "I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat; and then on some dark cold night, I will steal away into your home, and punch you in the face."
• Artie: "She's a total trout mouth."
• Santana: "Sex is not dating." Brittany: "If it were, Santana and I would be dating.."
• Will: "Who knows what this word (ballad) means?" Brittany: "It's a male duck!"
• Brittany: "I bet the duck is in the hat."
• Terri: "Listen you little psycho, this is Will’s wife. And if I don’t get enough sleep, my anti-depressants won’t work and then I’ll go crazy and I’ll kill you. STOP CALLING."
• Kurt: "How do you explain the constant irritation with you. It’s because she’s a giiirl." Finn: "I think it’s the pregnancy hormones or something, they make her kinda nuts." Kurt: "It’s enough to give up women all together. -giggle-"
• Emma: "Oh my gosh, Sue. Did someone finally punch you?"
• Kurt: "Most of the time I find it hard to be in the same room with you. Especially this one, which looks like where Strawberry Shortcake and Holly Hobbie come to hook up."
• Will: I think your phone is ringing. Deaf Teacher: "What?" Will: "Your phone is ringing." Deaf Teacher: "No, I got it on vibrate."
• Kurt: "Sometimes it’s hard to appreciate what a good singer you are, because all I’m thinking about is shoving a sock in your mouth."
• Kendra: "You got the beauty, but I got the brains and the beauty."
• Brittany: "It’s like cool epilepsy."
• Kurt: "Defying Gravity? I have an iPod shuffle dedicated exclusively to selections from Wicked. This is amazing." Will: "Do you think you can handle it, Rach?" Rachel: "It’s my go-to shower song. It’s also my ringtone."
• Kurt: "The Slushie War has commenced."
• Kurt: "Do it." Finn: "I don’t really want to, honestly. I know how picky you are about the products you use on your face." Kurt: "But you’ve been getting so much pressure from the guerrillas on the football team. I guess they didn’t appreciate me resigning from the team and choosing Glee." Finn: "Probably would’ve went over better if you didn’t announce it in the showers."
• Kurt: "Someone get me to a day spa, STAT."
• Rachel: "Thanks for the slushies, Finn. They’re delicious." Kurt: "And loaded with empty calories. You know why they call them slushies, don’t you? Because your butt looks like one if you have too many of them."
• Finn: "I came up with the best baby name of all time. DRIZZLE."
• Artie: "Bye, white people."
• Artie: "We’re planning on smacking them down like the hand of God."
• Kurt: "Oh Bambi, I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy."
• Puck: "I really like Artie, okay?!"
• Rachel: "I am very young and you find it difficult to stand next to me."
• Emma: "(Kurt's) not really fessing up to how he got the booze just yet, but I'm guessing it's not a fake ID because he looks like an 11-year-old milkmaid."
• Artie: "Strangely, it did make me feel more American.."
• Artie: "It's your boy, Artie!"
• Will: "Take it away!" Brittany: "Take what away..?"
• Dakota Stanley: "Artie, you're cut. You're not trying hard enough." Artie: "At what..?" Dakota Stanley: "At walking."
• Dakota Stanley: "Oh why don't you shut your face gash and stay away from aerosol cans because you could burst into flames at any second."
• Dakota Stanley: "Oh what was that, Frankenteen? Why don't you wipe that dopey look off your face and get some lotion for those knuckles you've been dragging on the ground."
• Finn: "What's wrong with you?" Dakota Stanley: "What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me is that you're freakishly tall! I feel like a woodland creature!"
• Finn: "Put your helmet on." Kurt: "It will mess up my hair.."
• Rachel: "What if I don't brush my teeth before bed?" Finn: "That's not naughty, that's gross."
• April Rhodes: "I once got a cake out of a kid's birthday party with the candle still lit."
• Rachel: "Mr. Schuester, do you have any idea how ridiculous it is to give the lead solo in 'Sit Down, You're Rocking the Boat' to a boy in a wheelchair?" Artie: "I think Mr. Schu's using irony to enhance the performance." Rachel: "There's nothing ironic about show choir!"
• Tina: "That was lame." Artie: "At least it rhymed." Tina: "It was still lame." Artie: "You wrote it.."
• Kurt: "Dad! I told you! I told you!"
• Mercedes: "You can take it to the moon, baby. Everyone knows you can't get stinkass out of polyester."
• Rachel: "-sigh-" Mercedes: "You wanna be startin' something, Britney?"
• Kurt: "Is she going to diva out after every rehearsal?" Mr. Schu: "Probably."
• Kurt: -chuckles- "Sorry, youtube..it's the grape stomping one."
• Kurt: "I don't understand how lightning is in competition with an above-ground swimming pool."
• Artie: "People who can't hear what they're singing and criminals who don't care. It's going to be a cakewalk! High five.." -left hanging-
• Sue: "But if they want to be bankers and lawyers and captains of industry, the most important lesson they could possibly learn is how to do a round-off!"
• Mr. Schu: "I have a Spanish quiz in which one of your cheerleaders misspelled her name, and answered every question with a drawing of a sombrero!"
• Sue: "I'll often yell at homeless people 'Hey, how's that homelessness working out for you?' Give NOT being homeless a try!"
• Mr. Schu: "Glee is about what's in your heart, not what's coursing through your veins."
• Artie: "Well, you're irritating most of the time, but don't take that personally."
• Kurt: "Rachel somehow manages to dress like a grandmother and a toddler at the same time."
• Sue: "I'm about to projectile express myself all over your Hush Puppies."
• Mr. Hummel: "..or the fact that he's queer as a three dollar bill."
• Mercedes: "Don't make me take you to the carpet."
• Rachel: "Kurt, I have a fantastic idea that would make me the most involved student in the school. I want us to start a gaylesball." Kurt: "I'm sorry what?" Rachel: "The Gay-Lesbian Alliance. Gay-lesb-all."

--

• Puck: "I'm not breaking up with you, I'm just saying: Please stop super-sizing. I don't dig on fat chicks." Quinn: "I'm pregnant!" Puck: "And that's my fault?"
• Brittany: "Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks?"
• Brittany: "Those sweaters make her look home-schooled."
• Finn: "Rachel's..kinda cool." Brittany: "That's mean."
• Mr. Schuester: "What do you guys say when you answer the phone?" Mercedes: "What up!" Artie: "Who 'dis be?" Kurt: "No, she's dead. This is her son."
• Artie: "Hold up, did she just say she wanted to eat us?"
• Puck (mouths): "You're gay?"
• Sue: "I'm going to find you a tiny diaper because your chin looks like a baby's bottom."
• Rachel: "Jesse could've done it better, but you did really well."
• Brittany: "I took all my antibiotics at once, and now I can’t remember how to leave."
• Brittany: "There are so many lyrics."
• Rachel: "What do you think I should do?" Finn: "Maybe you should ask your boyfriend..oh wait! You can't. Here's not here."
• Brittany: "Happy Meal, no onions."