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"Do you have doubts about life? Are you unsure if it is worth the trouble? Look at the sky: that is for you. Look at each person's face as you pass on the street: those faces are for you. And the street itself, and the ground under the street, and the ball of fire underneath the ground: all these things are for you. They are as much for you as they are for other people. Remember this when you wa...

clare observations (july)
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observations (may)
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  • may 15, 2009: live music at the big bear with richard. $5 to get in, half the proceeds go to the animal shelter. hand stamped with 'it's a boy!' haha. mike libertoski acoustic, then the-pick-me-ups like white noise, like a string of foreign words; the lead singer a tall gangly thing in a band tee. then some random band singing about 'she'll take me anywhere,' the lead singer reminded me of joseph from king of the hill- yellow duct tape on his ripped jeans & converse. me in my green gap banker button up shirt, my dark aero jeans, my oversized bag sticking out like a sore thumb, richard too. everyone was punk. it was fun though, & completely relevant after reading the perks of being a wallflower. it was exactly what i needed that night.
  • July 31/Aug 1, 2009: trip to drummond island with richard. feeling happycalm for the first time in months. watching the fire shift and roar, green, purple, blue, orange from richard's grandpa's copper+rubber trick. eating fish & pressure-cooked potatoes & corn for dinner. animal-watching with the spotlights, all of us packed into the pick-up, didn't see a thing. pancakes & eggs for breakfast. being too nervous for the pancakes, keep remembering how dorothy calles them pan-a-cakes which sounds like panic-aches. driving down bumpy dirt roads, through puddles to see the beaver dam. stopping at fossil ledges, this gorgeous beach of huge smooth, flat rocks that step right down into the gray-blue water. sleeping upstairs, a room full of beds. using an outhouse: yuck! not showering: yuck! haha. a four-wheeler ride to the tree blind, can't climb the tree b/c it's too high. fishing for the first time in a too-small, too-rickety/leaky boat, the water right up to the side of it, moving always, stomacheache. so grumpy & feeling ready to cry by the end of that day i just wanted my own bed. driving home in the dark, headlights & deer. (still ashamed of not being able to control that stupid sudden urge for home).
  • September 19, 2009: Big Pines Beach. a day trip with clint & richard. the leaves were already changing but we dived in anyway & it was perfect- the water was cold & clear. the beach was gorgeous & stretched for miles. there were hardly any people there, i wore a two piece bikini without a shirt in public for the first time i think. i'm happy with myself, here, now.
  • March 6, 2010: spending the whole day with Randee & Kirsten and being in the car on the way to walmart in this dead (end) town at eleven at night and looking out the window up into the stars and seeing Orion's belt and imagining Orien standing tall and proud like a hero pulling back his bow and seeing my reflection in the window and realizing this is who i am right now and getting so nostalgic for who i used to be. and driving by the BP and remembering that night that i went there with Beth and Lindsey when i still used to hang out with them and Sarah worked there and her new car and going to the movies with that creepy guy and feeling how i felt and feeling how i feel now and realizing how much time has passed since that night that we stood in that spot and it's still there but so much is different and so much time has gone by.
may 16 2009 ∞
jun 23 2011 +