• "I peeped beyond her burning gaze and noshed hot lunch with her soul." ~ Finn, Adventure Time
• "You can't get much smaller than a little prick." ~ Jordan
• "Oops, I accidentally messed up my life. How do I delete and make a new account?" ~ Meg
• "When I'm sad, I stop being sad and be AWESOME instead. True story." ~ Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
• "Fuck you guys! When I commit suicide, I'll set my soul free and soon I'll be eating brunch with Buddha and Jesus. You're all just JEALOUS." ~ From a certain comic
• "Sucking at something is the beginning of being sort of good at something." Jake, Adventure Time
• "Actually, I hate looking in mirrors, I always get depressed...because I can't marry myself!" ~ Meg
• "Opinions are like nipples, everybody has one. Some have firm points, others are barely discernible through layers, and some are displayed at every opportunity regardless of whether the audience has stated "I am interested in your nipples" or not. Cats have nineteen." ~ David Thorne
• "You don't have to be attractive when you're as hilarious as I am." ~ Meg
• "And I have a boner. But that's another issue." ~ Steven
• "Working in the design industry is like being a dirty robot whore." ~ David Thorne
• "I like my women like I like my muffins...with lots of chocolate baked in." ~ Meg, who was quoting something else
• "No one wants to read my autobiography. Story of my life." ~ ?
• "She grew on him like E. coli on warm Canadian beef."
• "I wish my life had background music so I would know what the Hell is going on."
• "Unfortunately, humans with psychic glitches are very attractive to the undead." ~ Sookie Stackhouse book
• "Although I've never been homophobic I was discovering I was very rape phobic and dismayed by my overall personal street value of roughly $15." ~ Ari Brouillette
• "I get the feeling that those are the kind of sentences that writers write to let readers know that they're smarter than their audiences and that reader's read because, after masochistically reading them, they feel smarter than everyone else who hasn't read them in a no-stars-upon-thars kind of way." ~ Christopher John Farley
• "Karl, there is nothing funny about a man in his underpants skating into the toilet. Now limericks. Limericks are funny." ~ Phineas and Ferb

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• "I don't exercise to be healthy. I exercise to look sexy as fuck, naked."