- "You don't vacation in ANWR, you die in ANWR."
- "I tried to read Mein Kampf when I was 5. I was just fascinated by Hitler and Stalin, and all those evil bastards in history."
- "This isn't racist. I don't know about American-Chinese, but the Chinese-Chinese are bitchin' at ping pong."
- "Anti-erection sounding..."
- "...He moved back to Oregon, probably the best place for that bastard."
- "Circumvention compliance-gaining strategies are about impossible rewards or unrealistic punishment. Like telling your kids that you will kill them if they don't go to bed... which I've used before. But they know I'm not serious. I don't have time to go to jail."
- "Did anyone here watch the Academy Awards in its entirety? No hands...? Just admit that you had nothing else to do with your life."
- "Before you cut your wrists after looking at your low score..."
- "I don't want to point you out and and embarrass you, but I'm a sadist, so I will point you out and embarrass you."
- "I like hitting things... I like hitting people more."
- "I see Lord Voldemort everywhere I go."
- "I told the publisher to cut out things we won't be covering in class. A smaller book, that's cheaper. What a concept!"
- "I wish it wasn't just bad reasons to miss a test. I wish there was happy reasons like, 'Professor, I just won the lottery. Big time. Could I take the test before I buy the yacht?"
- "I've had thousands of dollars worth of DVDs stolen from my office... and Halo."
- "Oh, lord. Help me. I need drugs."
- "Okay, this is your 10 minute break. Go on Spacebook. Go pee."
- "Please don't laugh before the punchline... it seems forced."
- "Please don't text your friends about how funny I am."
- "Please underline 'visual design.' Woo... I'm in space!"
- "Twilight fangirls. Taste great. Less filling."
- "Two B.I.N.G. points will added to your raw test score. Now, what are B.I.N.G. points you ask? B.I.N.G. stands for Bob Is a Nice Guy. You're welcome."
- "We don't have time to cover Ivory Coast Cinema... it's not a racist thing."
- "What kind of person do you want to be? That's what it boils down to... personal integrity."
- *Someones ringtone goes off* "Bird's chirping?! What is this a goddamn zoo? You're going to hell. I'm afraid I'll be there with you."
- *Talking to the TA* "Oh, now you've made things complicated... and I've had a brain tumor."
jan 27 2011 ∞
jun 21 2012 +
