• "Get the monkey off your back. Make someone else do the work."
• "This question says 'her'--that's kind of sexist. What about 'him'? He's hopeless."
• "A man once said he didn't care if he lived to he was 90. That was until he was 89 1/2."
• "We have a mother superior in every class."

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• "I hate the word 'should'. You know, in therapy people are told not to 'should' on themselves. 'Don't should on yourself!' They say it real fast."
• "My son married into a family that's pretty weird."

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• "I've been married for... forty f-... forty... I need a calculator. What's '67 minus '11." "47 years." "I deserve a medal. Don't tell my wife that, you'll all fail." "You deserve a Purple Heart." "Yeah, well I have been wounded."
• Compress the statement into one word: "United in holy matrimony" - "Unhappy"
• "My wife said if I get Alzheimer's she won't know."