i dont know why im so shy to put three flags on my bio lol. I love my cultural background and I embrace and appreciate it everyday, but when it comes to me stating what I identify as I just find it so hard. Because really, I just feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I was born and raised in guangdong and occasionally I get to live in the Philippines. I love all my friends from there, I’ve truly met such wonderful people there. Well both good and bad. But everytime im away from my home I just feel more and more distant from everyone. I mean like… I wonder if my friends think of me as much as i think of them? I’m scared that, when I come back they just don’t care about me anymore. Its probably gonna be a while for me to come back anyway because of money problems. I rarely even talk to them online anymore cause im scared that, they’ve forgotten me, wouldn’t that be awkward?? And i hate that feeling like the place I’ve identified myself with for years is slowly slipping away from me, and everyday I try to keep more and more of it. I was never the greatest at speaking cantonese or mandarin, and im really shit at it now. I regret as a child that i didn’t take enough photos or hang out with my friends enough or indulge with my community online cause now i just feel like a total foreigner and its the worst feeling ever. Especially when i cant even speak their tongue and i just feel like i dont belong but I want to belong and I want to proudly display my cultural background to everyone but at the same time i feel guilty. Maybe its that mindset of if i cant speak my mother’s tongue then am i really apart of them? I know I shouldn’t be ashamed, not everyone had the privilege to learn the language they speak, but the feeling still eats me up. I hate that whenever my friends speak chinese I have to hit translate to understand, I wish I could read it, I wish i could write in it, I wish they didn’t have to speak english to me. Because when I cant understand my own people it feels like i don’t understand them at all. And I hate it so absolutely much. Aside from being chinese, I also grew up in the Philippines, I have more pinoy friends and I still speak the language. The problem is that i rarely mention to people that in filipino. No im not ashamed of it at all, i love my culture so much and the diversity of the country as a whole, I just feel bad that i dont talk about it enough that I feel that i dont have the right to talk about it at all. Its another stupid mindset i have on myself where if i havent been talking about this thing my entire life then im just a poser. I mean YEAH its a dumb feeling to have but i still overthink that thats what someone might think of me, and i dont want that at all cause i HAVE been surrounded by this culture my whole life. It just sucks so much and i hate feeling stuck between borders. I really admire people who openly talk about their culture, but when i try to do it i just feel like a fraud. I hate feeling separated from everyone because i don’t LIVE in those countries anymore. I notice that it was never a problem for me to display my cultural identity when I was living there, but now that im not I just feel so lost.