❝ if i am worth anything later, i am worth something now. ❞ — vincent van gogh, motto for 2018

numbers —

• 1 new and lovely summer job
• 1 trip to the metropolitan museum of art
• 2 newly pierced ears
• 3 medals of my beloved patron saint
• 4 summer crushes
• 46 books read
• 120 films watched

languages learned —

• welsh
• latin
• ancient greek

artists adored —

• eugene delacroix
• hans holbein
• peter paul reubens
• rembrandt van rijn
• vincent van gogh
• johannes vermeer
• rogier van der weyden

favorite latin words —

• aetas, aetatis (f): time, age, period of life
• amo, amare, amavi, amatum: to love
• exitium, exitii (n): ruin, destruction
• iungo, iungere, iunxi, iunctum: to join
• occasus, occasus (m): setting (as in, the sun: solis occasus)
• sapientia, sapientiae (f): wisdom
• uxor, uxoris (f): wife

favorite books —

• the plague ▸ albert camus
• all the pretty horses ▸ cormac mccarthy
• lincoln in the bardo ▸ george saunders
• the glass menagerie ▸ tennessee williams
• the bell jar ▸ sylvia plath
• the aeneid ▸ virgil
• hecuba ▸ euripides
• caligula ▸ albert camus

favorite films —

• brigsby bear
• dunkirk
• the disaster artist
• hostiles
• arrival
• seven psychopaths
• hail, caesar!
• what we do in the shadows
• won't you be my neighbor?
• green room
• mamma mia! here we go again
• the rider
• the graduate
• first man
• dr. strangelove
• game night
• agora

looking back on the year —

• in january, i began the year with the stomach flu and was for a week pitifully confined to my bed. discovered my endless and unceasing love for the plague and kicked off a year of renewed passion for literature. saw a film and left the theatre with wide eyes, the path before me suddenly clear and shining and beautiful.
• in february, i braved the cold and wind and sank into my seat at the campus theatre for my weekly best picture nomination. fell in love again with astronomy, and looked forward to class every day of the week. drank iced coffee in the snow, suffered through computer science, embraced my love of writing choral music. thought about film constantly, and dreamed about dunkirk every night.
• in march, the snow began to melt and the wind was fierce. discovered my love for welsh and celebrated the vernal equinox at 0 hours right ascension. watched the oscars on the big screen at the campus theatre, felt my eyes brimming with tears of pride for mr. sam rockwell. saw my future crumble around me. built a dream for myself out of the rubble.
• in april, i visited washington dc and danced in the cherry blossoms at peak bloom with my favorite people. trudged up the hill to the observatory every week and spent the morning gushing with jack about space, astronomy, life. attended both of dave's recitals, and sank deeper into the warm embrace of a lifelong love. heard the auditorium go silent as ken burns spoke about deep and poignant things, about the importance of our nation's history. finished my junior year of university, proud of how far i had come. eyed eagerly the stack of books i was ready to bring home.
• in may, i came home for the summer and started working at my favorite place. made lovely friends, fell for even lovelier boys. studied the work of stephen hawking, spent hours reconciling the arrows of time. basked in the warm sunshine. relaxed and recovered after the stress of a semester well done.
• in june, my favorite month, the summer began in earnest. saw tons of free movies, spent hours and hours with austin. reconnected with my best friend, ate sweet macarons and pondered about what our futures held for us. got my ears pierced with shari. baked tons of sweets, watched dozens of films in bed after long, long days of work.
• in july, the heat was strong and the lethargy fierce. wednesday mornings with alex and feeling my heart grow ten times seeing him smile. living vicariously through him on 7/11, talking about books and film and thought experiments that had no easy answer and realizing we both wanted to name our first-born daughter rosie. reading the heart is a lonely hunter, studying cinematography at the library. large iced coffees for $2, and my favorite monday morning shifts with z, getting him to smile past his stormy, stormy moods.
• in august, i squeezed as many free movies in as i could before i left for school. lovely apartment, even lovelier roommates. feeling dazed and disconnected from the world. the summer heat wouldn't quit. fell in love with teaching astronomy and eagerly awaited every thursday at 8 am.
• in september, i learned the true meaning of dissociation. went through the entire month in a blurry haze, cried in the rain with mom on the phone. wanted to feel something, but couldn't. found john in the midst of it all, and recognized my affection for him through the fog in my head.
• in october, i celebrated 21 years with the ever lovely ryan gosling. finished the aeneid, realized how much i loved the ancient world. writing in latin on my walls. an encouraging email from my professor. leaning forward in my seat in the dark of the lecture hall, awed by the works of the northern renaissance. my love of classics and art history began to drag me out of my apathy. a trip to the met: rushing through the impressionists, eyes wide, cheeks flushed, looking desperately for my beloved van goghs. knowing that things would be better once november came.
• in november, i came back into my body after two months of total disconnect. joy returned to my bones and i felt alive again. vanilla iced coffee and taking care of john. falling head over heels in love with vermeer. listening in awe and wonder as anne carson spoke words of wisdom in the dark of the hall. spending hours upon hours in the studio, transcribing scores and learning new things about music, about myself.
• in december, i submitted my first grad school app and then realized i didn't want to go to graduate school after all. coughing until 1 am, scrambling to finish papers and study for finals. relaxing at the end of every evening with a cup of tea. art restoration videos. returning to work, and mike saying, "thank goodness you're back." christmas shopping. laughing with old friends. realizing it's okay to not be working hard all the time, to not be ambitious every moment of every day. finding your footing has its own place in life. looking back on the year. nostalgia. love of self. hoping for the best in 2019.