"That gets her attention, and she looks up. Confused, he continues looking away from her, but in the corner of his eye he still sees her watching. When he talks to Marianne he has a sense of total privacy between them. He could tell her anything about himself, even weird things, and she would never repeat them, he knows that. Being alone with her is like opening a door away from normal life and then closing it behind him."

"After she left he stood there in the hall waiting. He knew she was probably getting dressed in her room, and whatever clothes she was wearing when she came back down would be the clothes she had chosen to put on after she saw him in the hall. Anyway Lorraine was ready to go before Marianne reappeared so he never did get to see what clothes she had put on. It wasn’t like he deeply cared to know. He certainly didn’t tell anyone in school about it, that he had seen her in a bathrobe, or that she looked flustered, it wasn’t anyone’s business to know. Well, I like you, Marianne says. For a few seconds he says nothing, and the intensity of the privacy between them is very severe, pressing in on him with an almost physical pressure on his face and body."

"Connell was so beautiful. It occurred to Marianne how much she wanted to see him having sex with someone; it didn’t have to be her, it could be anybody. It would be beautiful just to watch him."

"He shrugged, okay. After a moment he added, smiling: You’re trying to act superior, but like, you haven’t even read it. She had to laugh then, and he laughed because she did. They couldn’t look at each other when they were laughing, they had to look into corners of the room, or at their feet."

"Their secret weighed inside her body pleasurably, pressing down on her pelvic bone when she moved."

"With Marianne it was different, because everything was between them only, even awkward or difficult things. He could do or say anything he wanted with her and no one would ever find out. It gave him a vertiginous, lightheaded feeling to think about it. When he touched her that night she was so wet, and she rolled her eyes back into her head and said: God, yes. And she was allowed to say it, no one would know. He was afraid he would come then just from touching her like that. In the hallway the next morning he kissed her goodbye and her mouth tasted alkaline, like toothpaste. Thanks, she said. Then she left, before he understood what he was being thanked for."

"When they went upstairs he didn’t say anything, he let her talk. That’s so good, she kept saying. That feels so good. Her body was all soft and white like flour dough. He seemed to fit perfectly inside her. Physically it just felt right, and he understood why people did insane things for sexual reasons then. In fact he understood a lot of things about the adult world that had previously seemed mysterious. But why Marianne?"

"His friends don’t think of him as a deviant person, a person who could say to Marianne Sheridan, in broad daylight, completely sober: Is it okay if I come in your mouth?"

"He rubbed her ear with his nose and added: I would miss you if you didn’t want to see me anymore. Would you miss sleeping with me? she said. He touched his hand against her hipbone, rocking her back against his body, and said quietly: Yeah, a lot. Can we go back to your house now? He nodded. For a few seconds they just stood there in stillness, his arms around her, his breath on her ear. Most people go through their whole lives, Marianne thought, without ever really feeling that close with anyone."

"In Connell’s room he and Marianne lie down together whispering. He tells her that she’s beautiful. She has never heard that before, though she has sometimes privately suspected it of herself, but it feels different to hear it from another person. She touches his hand to her breast where it hurts, and he kisses her. Her face is wet, she’s been crying. He kisses her neck. Are you okay? he says. When she nods, he smooths her hair back and says: It’s alright to be upset, you know. She lies with her face against his chest. She feels like a soft piece of cloth that is wrung out and dripping."

"Connell is silent again. He leans down and kisses her on the forehead. I would never hurt you, okay? he says. Never. She nods and says nothing. You make me really happy, he says. His hand moves over her hair and he adds: I love you. I’m not just saying that, I really do. Her eyes fill up with tears again and she closes them. Even in memory she will find this moment unbearably intense, and she’s aware of this now, while it’s happening. She has never believed herself fit to be loved by any person. But now she has a new life, of which this is the first moment, and even after many years have passed she will still think: Yes, that was it, the beginning of my life."

"What’s not to like about you?"

"Come here, she said. He came over to stand in front of her. What? he said. Do you like her better than me? said Marianne. He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. No, he said. To be fair, I don’t know her very well. But is she better in bed than I am? You’re drunk, Marianne. If you were sober you wouldn’t even want to know the answer to that question."

"After that she feels peaceful and wants to sleep. He kisses her closed eyelids. It’s not like this with other people, she says. Yeah, he says. I know."

"He used to pull the blankets off her in the morning and get on top of her with this little smiling expression like: Oh hey, hello. They were best friends. He told her that, when she asked him who his best friend was. You, he said."

"She asked if he would send her back photographs of himself in return, and he made a ‘hm’ noise. I don’t know, he said. Would you really want a picture of my dick? Comically, she felt the inside of her mouth get wet. Yes, she said. But if you sent one I would honestly never delete it, so you probably shouldn’t. He laughed then. No, I don’t care whether you delete it, he said. She uncrossed her ankles. I mean I’ll take it to my grave, she said. Like I will look at it probably every day until I die. He was really laughing then. Marianne, he said, I’m not a religious person but I do sometimes think God made you for me."

"I was admiring you, she said. He pushed his wet hair back from his forehead. You’re always admiring me, he said. She kicked her leg at him gently and he put his hand around her ankle and stroked it with his fingers."

"I didn’t need to play any games with you, she says. It was real. With Jamie it’s like I’m acting a part, I just pretend to feel that way, like I’m in his power. But with you that really was the dynamic, I actually had those feelings, I would have done anything you wanted me to."

"Then the front door closes and she and Connell are alone. She feels her shoulder muscles relaxing, like their solitude is a narcotic."

"Because of the white dress and because of the small white china cup, he wants to say: You look like an angel."

"When we were together in first year of college, she says, were you lonely then? No. Were you? No. I was frustrated sometimes but not lonely. I never feel lonely when I’m with you. Yeah, he says. That was kind of a perfect time in my life, to be honest. I don’t think I was ever really happy before then. She holds her hand down hard on her abdomen, pressing the breath out of her body, and then inhales. I really wanted you to kiss me last night, she says."

"I’m just nervous, he says. I feel like it’s pretty obvious I don’t want you to leave. In a tiny voice she says: I don’t find it obvious what you want."

"Hm, he says. I missed you. It’s not like this with other people. Well, I like you a lot more than other people."

"Her? He could avoid her, but as soon as he saw her again, even if they only glanced at one another outside a lecture hall, the glance could not contain nothing."

"At midnight when they all cheered Happy New Year, Connell took Marianne into his arms and kissed her. She could feel, like a physical pressure on her skin, that the others were watching them. Maybe people hadn’t really believed it until then, or else a morbid fascination still lingered over something that had once been scandalous. Maybe they were just curious to observe the chemistry between two people who, over the course of several years, apparently could not leave one another alone."

"I’d miss you too much, he says. I’d be sick, honestly."