smoking

• • i can't pretend to know
  • how to smoke. i just do it.
  • i can't pretend to know
  • what love is. it just is.
• • once time is lit, it will burn
  • whether or not you're breathing it in.
  • even after smoke becomes air
  • there is the memory of smoke.
  • i am seeing, as if by the light of a match,
  • a glimpse of my life
  • and having it feel right.
  • this will linger.

tinder heart

• • don't touch me
  • i said
  • because i can't
  • handle
  • someone being
  • good to me.
  • he heart me
  • and he listened
  • and i thought
  • my body would cry
  • from all it felt
  • and it couldn't.
• • why do you
  • do this?
  • he asked.
  • even though
  • i wasn't sure
  • what he meant
  • i said
  • i don't know
  • because that
  • had become
  • my answer
  • to everything.
• • iv.
  • who was it
  • who invented
  • size zero?
  • who was it
  • who promised
  • that if you got
  • to a certain point
  • you would no
  • longer
  • be?
• • vii.
  • why won't they
  • leave me
  • alone?
  • don't they
  • realize i
  • have a
  • tinder heart
  • and a
  • paper body
  • and that
  • any spark
  • will turn me
  • straight to
  • ash?
• • all the feelings
  • are dead
  • inside me
  • and i
  • want them
  • to be
  • alive.

on the inside

• I've lost track of where friendship ends and falling begins.

fragments

• • 7. Sappho
  • She leaves me fragments and they are more real
  • than a library of novels. Wisps of words
  • from centuries ago, caught in the translation.
  • I often feel I am living in fragments, skipping
  • over words, leaving the rest of the sentence
  • blank in order to move on to the next page.
  • Maybe there is hope in fragments, that what is lost
  • can always be filled in by someone who knows.

the day

• loss takes as much as love does, sometimes more
• • miserable, misguided, misled
  • missing her is not an option right now
  • missing her seems to be a given
• notice how fickle feelings can be
• • the answer is to just let go
  • the betrayal is to the past
  • the cocoon dangles empty
  • the desire outlasts the object
  • the effort lingers
  • the frustration is in how pointless the effort was
  • the ghost does not make itself transparent
  • the heart knows nothing except its own mind
  • the ideas are not enough
  • the jealousy is always there
  • the killing blow is sometimes the softest
  • the life you lead can be detoured
  • the moment you know cannot be taken back
  • the new you will try to bury the old me
  • the opportunity has passed
  • the past is inopportune
  • the questions all grow from why
  • the reality will always be contended
  • the sadness will ebb
  • the trouble is the time it might take
  • the ugly words cannot be erased, only discredited
  • the versions are never the same
  • the wonder is that we make it through
  • the x is the unknown variable
  • the yesterday cannot be repeated
  • the zenith is the point when you look down and realize you're no longer below
• • you know, he says, you'll get through this
  • you live each day one at a time
  • you live everyday all at once
  • you live with the possibility of good-bye
  • you move on
  • you ponder in this darkness and see you're not alone
  • you realize you never felt alone
  • you subtracted one from your life, that's all

strong

• She was so light, but her emotions were heavy.
• • I didn't know I loved her until I found myself in the middle of it.
  • Concern wasn't something I'd ever really thought about before.
  • Now all I could do was be concerned about her, and hope she cared.
• What's lonelier than being on a team where you no longer belong?

Writing

• We are so used to releasing words. We don't know what to do with them if they stay. Not on the walls. I'm not talking about the walls. I'm talking about what happens when they stay with us. No matter how many times we let them go, they come back. The words that matter always stay.

Experimentation

• • Getting what you want is just as difficult
  • as not getting what you want. Because then
  • you have to figure out what to do with it
  • instead of figuring out what to do without it.

Unlonely

• • How to Be Alone
  • Remember that at any given moment
  • There are a thousand things
  • You can love
• • What I Learned
  • The well-documented difference
  • Between alone and lonely
  • The comfort of knowing

escapade

• • I have never felt the urge to jump off a bridge,
  • but there are times I have wanted to jump
  • out of my life,
  • out of my skin.
• There is no word for our kind of friendship. Two people who don't see each other a lot, but can make each other effortlessly happy.
• You need two hands to hold a heart.

Possibility

• • Here's what I know about the realm of possibility—
  • it is always expanding, it is never what you think
  • it is. Everything around us was once deemed
  • impossible.
• • When everybody knows you, it is easy
  • to think that nobody will ever really know you.
• • There is certainty in a ring.
  • The non-ending, the non-beginning.
  • The ongoing.
  • The way it holds on to you
  • not because it's been fastened
  • or stretched or adhered.
  • It holds on
  • because it fits.
• • You think you know your possibilities.
  • Then other people come into your life
  • and suddenly there are so many more.