• I walked along the ocean side. Staring into the horizon of the deep, clear blue water. I have reminded once again of the potential I had. The future I wanted. All the hopes and dreams I had that all disappeared. The young naïve part of me disappeared and made way for me now. During times like these, with the scenery so perfect, so fragile, so heaven like I can only but think again of the past and reminded of the me I used to be. As I look back upon my old selves, I see the young naive me that's still there. That still hope and dream. She stood aside in the shadows watching me as I live my life. And there she stands, still hoping, still dreaming of what would have been had I only keep trying.
• Late nights talking and sharing. I gave you a piece of myself. I subjected myself into your care. My walls crumbled down. Vulnerability. Fragility. Anxiety. Insecurities. One by one you learn about my weaknesses. One by one I slowly was in your hands. Every emotion, every aspect controlled by you. You watched as I fell for you. As I consumed my thoughts with you. Every second of my life became about you. And you love it. You love the vulnerable, breakable person I came to be. Everything about me was you. And you sent me to oblivion. You broke me. Play with me. To see me begging and succumbed to desperation. I lost my breath. Stop knowing how to breathe as my chest contorted with pain. Pain and shock jolted in pulses throughout my body like energy heat waves that suck the life out of me. I gave you all of me, only to be eloped by the darkness of hell. To reach the breaking point of my emotions. The abyss of darkness now surrounds me with the numbing feeling that is you.
• I guess that's the difference between you and I. We're both broken souls in need of some love, some intimacy. But I tend to trust people too easily and fall too hard. While you build your walls high to keep yourself from people. When I have faith in people, you have doubt. You believe in the dark nature of those around us. Maybe that's why I am attracted to you. You remind me of the cruel society. You keep me grounded. You protect me from future harm I could experience, from the cruel dark nature that is humankind. The problem with it all... I've fallen too hard again. I've trusted too much again. And worst of all I've given everything to you, the person who could never love me.
• Love can either build you up or crumb you into a million pieces. And upon it to me, drag me across the vicinity of darkness entrapping me in my own mind. Demons are nothing but the creation of the mind. But here I am, with my demons now controlling me. How did I let it get this far?The memories of colors still vivid in my mind as if it was just yesterday. The bright color, the living smiles, the joyous laughter that's contiguous beyond belief.I suddenly welcome the past of colors instead of the black and white reality that I live now. I welcome the loudness, the ruckus of people, the contact with others. But really, when it comes to it. I don't think I would abandon the darkness that I now call my home. The fluctuations of suffering and pain entice me. I've no longer reject the oblivion my demons have placed me in. The abyss of darkness and void is too much of a habit now. My body is no longer my own but of the demons inside.
• Heart beating. Head pounding. Here I am watching, feeling alone in a crowded room. Emotions are spinning and I am slowly dying as I am slowly losing myself as seconds goes by. I countlessly try to busy myself to distract from the agony I feel as the day pass over. The hours goes by and I'm losing time as the dark abyss consumes me once again. Entrapping me to the demons within. All around me are people rejoicing and celebrating for the days to come. While here I am, numb to the happiness, feeling empty inside.
• Only then did I notice the time. Where have the time all gone? Once again it passes the twelfth strike. It's already Thursday. And here I am, alone in the room. A room that is mine but doesn't belong to me. A facade of personalities all merged into one. A wall of protection. An empty shell. A face and wall that people looks at but doesn't see. I am reminded of who I am and don't want to be. The insecurities resurfaced from within my core and suddenly I am everything I ever thought I hated. The shadows came and sat beside me. To remind me of all the wrongs I have done, all the guilt I should feel, and all the hatred inside of me.
• I stand guarded in my room. A room filled with darkness and silence. I await the monsters to become alive. I am kept awake until 2 am from fright. They showed up and succumbed me in my insecurities. My endless thoughts. I no longer know who I am. My heartbeat beats over 120 bps. Death feels so close yet so far away. Loss of consciousness and confidence. All I am is awake with myself and no one else.When I was younger they always warned me of the monsters in the closet and under the bed. Never had I once was warned of the monsters in my head. I was never warned to be scared of myself. If only then did I learn.
• Suddenly I remember what I said all those years ago. The roller coasters of emotions I was going through. The whirlwind of it all. The loneliness in a crowded room. The isolation in a group of friends. The fake happiness of being included. The pains of lies. Never again could I trust. Never again could I remember the feeling of true happiness. But most importantly. Never again will I be able to relearn the emotions I have lost amidst the hopelessness.
• I can't breathe. I took my own breath away. My chest is constricted, overwhelmed even, by my own pain and suffering. I am suddenly no longer myself. My breath isn't my own but for another. Numb. Everything is numb. I am no longer living. To see. To breathe. To think. To feel. What does that all even mean? Do we really feel for ourselves anymore? We live off of society. We follow it. Conform to it. We no longer feel or live for ourselves but for other and society. Even to the point of our own demise. How can I love and care for you when I can't even love myself.
• Late nights, wasting my time away. Not wanting to do work, not wanting to sleep. One by one as the hours passed, I stayed awake questioning why. I made it here, right now at this moment.Should I not consider myself fortunate? Fortunate to have an education, an expensive one I might add, but an education nonetheless. I should be ecstatic that I have an opportunity to further my life, to further my education, to have a door that says "stable". Unfortunately, I do not care. I am numb to all these feelings. A like, a step, an emotion, an obstacle did I encounter; slowly I am reaching an end.
• I watch around me how isolated I am. I look as I feel the numbness consume me as I think about others suffering and pain. These useless emotions are nothing to me. As I watch these people around me goes on with their lives; so carefree, so relaxed. The crowding loudness surrounds me as I sit here, observing. I welcome the silence. Where did it all go? I joined the others. A facade in placed; I am loud; I am rude; I am kind. All these faces but no one sees the me I hide deep inside.
• It is not that he was afraid to be alone. He was afraid of being abandoned.It is not that he was shy. He was afraid of social and human interaction. It simply made him uncomfortable. It is not that he was reckless. He was self destructive in a self harming way. You are so focused on what you think he was that you never bothered to actually realize that they are exactly what he was not. If you truly cared enough about him, you would have seen the truths in his lies. But sadly, you did not care enough to try.
• Mixed thoughts and emotions, he gave apart of him away. From the moment he met her,he knew she took his soul away. No longer is he feeling for himself, but for her. She occupied his thoughts, his mind, his actions. Every lung crushing breath, every heart wrenching moment was all because of her. Every 3 AM thought was about her and yet he doesn't regret it. Never would he regret loving a person such as she despite getting hurt. Even though her love was never his to begin with, she still made his days brighter with colors he never imagined.

She looked outside the window, reminiscing. As she think back at her actions, she remembers her mistakes. She wonders whether anyone would care at all if she is dead; if anyone would cry. Thoughts embraces her in the darkness as she sits and watch the night passes by. Slowly has the night wraps around her, she closed her eyes allowing her thoughts to swallow her whole. She thinks back and wonder if she makes a difference in anyone's life, whether her existence matters.

I think not of what you say, but instead what happens in the silence. Silence is where you can find comfort in the most unexpected and unwanted times. It it because of the silence that I think of your breath, your smile, your heartbeat, but never your words. Because you see, even though you may speak your words are not heard in my ears.

Words can be so empty nowadays, but actions with forever be engraved in the body. The body will always remember despite what is forgotten in the mind. I used to find it odd how my heart have forgotten you and yet my body still remember your scent. But then I realized that the memories will always be there. They say time heals the soul, but maybe it is not that time heals the soul but instead only meant to make it easier to forget it all while the body remembers.

• She loved him more than she could breathe. Her love for him consumes her. The way his eyes sparkles in the sun; the way his hair sways in the wind; the curve of lips as he smile, every part of him, his body, his soul ingrains in her, taking her breath away. Every waking hour of the day, every second, he has control of her mind with every increasing thought of him. Her love for him has consume her mind so much, she finds herself lying awake until the glimmer of sunlight breach into her room as she falls asleep thinking of him. Even now as she sips on her coffee, looking onto the crowd, he somehow slips into her mind with his breath taken smile, with the fire in his eyes as he talks about his passion for life. She reminisce on the memories of him, but he is long gone. Her love for him consumes her to the depths of her soul, but all she has are memories of him. He was her sun, but she was only a sunflower in his life.