https://liedown1.neocities.org/personaltarot.html ^ tarot reading i did to guide me... meanings can be found by hovering over the cards with yr mouse.

Starting with academic probation and the near-promise that i won't be able to go back to fc next fall with the same scholarships i had supporting me so far. there is only one option for my behavior next fall, and it is that i blow everything out of the water and prove i can be a fearless student. still, my average gpa at the end of the year won't likely be enough... two more options: fight like hell to stay, or wave goodbye and head somewhere towards total independence from family until i can afford to join a community college. so far, my imagination is leaning toward where it always has, and that's the latter. i'll try to stay, but if it doesn't work out i'm putting up no fight to leave.

Few practicalities have been put into place, besides the facts that i need to work, spend as little money as humanely possible, and save up not just for the possible move but also to pay my mother back her 5k of tuition from the first semester (a sum not possible until 2024, at minimum, but not likely till 2025). this second semester will not be a waste of time, and so i will not force myself to pay her back for that unless she demands it. i haven't told her about anything i'm doing, and i won't ever come close until the academic year ends in june.

I cannot hold onto fear. that was my problem last semester, and my problem my entire life. i have been reevaluating my personal philosophies and reminding myself of innumerable philosophical aids i'd used when i was at my best.

I want to be able to cut off familial ties and financial dependence in honor of doing what i know i've always needed to do, which is work until i am mentally sound enough to study under academia. i want to be able to find people in tally, ny, vermont, chicago, nc, etc., who could use an extra roommate. i would take up as little space as possible, use the shit out of a library card, and work, work, work. do my own personal studies alongside whatever job i have, so that i have a portfolio built in the event i could haggle for a scholarship at a non-community college. i want to live independently with other independents, and see what life is like on that side of things. i want community, just as always, but i know that i will have to be introspective and withdrawn for a period.

Because i have to focus on my schoolwork during next semester, kenan underground will probably fall to the wayside. it's possible that it won't at all, and will actually manage to be integrated into my studies, but i am not counting on that.