It makes me uncomfortable to think that most women are more spontaneous, empowered, carefree and dominant than I am in life. And the fact is, that very well may be true. Here's why:

External Struggle:

• I am inhibited. I think things through before I do them, become overly-considerate of the situation, and when the window of opportunity opens to me, I turn into a frozen computer. By the time I reboot, the window has closed.
• My natural temperament and energy is low. Calm. Mellow. I don't feel the same urges that a lot of people do for action; if anything, when everyone else is getting excited over something, I only feel peer pressure and obligation to chameleon my way into the fun. And sure, I've experienced a lot of fun by breaking my shell and doing purely what I want and not doing what I don't want, but the fact of the matter stands that while most girls are rushing around doing extreme things or bolstering tough-girl, feminist, alpha-bitch amounts of confidence in a situation, I am sitting somewhere passively without the slightest need or want to do any of that. The only want I feel when it comes to this, is for the respect and admiration of my peers that I don't really get. I am written off as the mild, submissive den mother. Sally home-maker.
• My general aesthetic, fashion or otherwise, isn't imposing at all, I'm rather girly and gentle.
• I am much more mature than most of my peers, boys and girls included. I look for adult qualities in a person; responsibility, commitment, honesty, faithfulness, etc. My mindset and entire way of thinking could probably be summarized in the Book of Virtues. Therefore, I tend to not really dwell in dark or exciting social circles, with unreliable, unpredictable peoples. I don't dwell with most of the rambunctious, careless females or males that would be coined as "wild". I'm a 30 year old in a 19 year old body practically, and usually feel as if I've already "been there" and "done that". I have moved on from this crowd and this happy chaos, spiritually.

Internal Struggle:

• I don't feel wild, or probably even look wild to most people, because spiritually I've past all my wild phases. I don't get any excitement from this post-adolescent intellectual raging brewed over young adult growing pains because in mind and soul, I've already done my time with that, so to speak. My teenage years seemed to encapsulate all of those things - at least emotionally they did; they were nothing short of a prison I was jailed in for ten years. Those ten years are just about over, and I'm ready to experience something else.
• I feel unattractive to most males because, at least at this age, they are looking for the Wild Woman. The newly-liberated Wonder Woman who will lasso them in with her whip and put them through their paces; a surrogate mother to replace the one they recently escaped from during their adolescent-cum-young-man phase. In a psychological sense, it may not be incorrect to say that most of these boys are looking for a woman (mom) to make them a man. I can't offer them that, because I myself am mentally looking for someone who is already my age, in spirit. Someone who has already established their own identity, masculinity, and ambitions. Someone whom I, do not need to improve upon, help or caretake after.

Conclusion:

My 30s will probably be one of the funnest times of my life.