• Goal 1: Create a signature super spicy vegan seitan-habanero chili dish
• Goal 2: Lose 30 pounds
• Goal 3: Learn to accept and love myself
• Goal 4: Earn my Emerson's Certificate for Screenwriting
• Goal 5: Finish Tangelo

Whims (things to try for)

• Create an IRA
• Find a good man
• Find a new therapist
• Start saving up for a home and retirement

Things I'm Saving Up For: Rough Estimates.

• Supernatural Convention in November: $751 total.

How much I have saved up: $592.97 total.

• Birthday Getaway in Mendocino: Yet to be Determined (make list!).
• Holly and Harry's wedding/NH visit: $300-$400 ticket, not including vacation expenses while there. Total probably $600.

Grand Total: $1,351.00

-$592.97

= $758.03

• Copper ticket ($250)
• Misha autograph ($50)
• J2 autograph (?)
• J2 photo ($249 minimum)
• J2M (trio) photo ($299 minimum)
• Food for weekend (Perhaps pack it, or buy fast food - DON'T BUY HOTEL FOOD IT'S SO GODDAMN EXPENSIVE)
• Plane ticket, if you chose air instead of car: $152.20
• Taxi to hotel (bring mace and shank)
• Gas, if you chose car:

- $30 to fill up - 384.7 miles from Vallejo to Pasadena - Cruze gets 28 city miles, 42 highway

• Toll routes ($5-$6 minimum?)

OTHER POSSIBLE CONVENTION VISITS (to attend during your visit to see Dad and Grandpa)

- Washington DC (8 hours from NH) Jul. 24...

(10/12/14)

Things To Talk To My Therapist About.

• The disrespect I receive from everyone in my life besides my mother and my best friend, Veronica. I am a strong woman, and it's absolutely infuriating when people talk down to me, patronize me, take advantage of me, pity me, and generally downsize me and my person as a weakling, child, sob story, or a dumb broad. I'm beyond this. Why can't they see that?
• How do I change this treatment I receive? How can I prove that I'm a strong woman who works hard, gets shit done and doesn't need help? Or advice, or opinions, unwanted thoughts, unwanted gestures of goodwill? Especially from men. I'm so sick of receiving little favors and rewards and gifts from people because they underestimate me. I'm not a ditz. And I'm not weak. I've lived on this godforsaken earth for ...

• Buy a two-story cabin-like house by a coastal beach.
• Make sure there is bathroom lighting that reaches the inside of the shower. A shower window!
• Stairs.
• Windows everywhere.
• Wrap around porch.
• Double porch! Like in old southern houses.
• Open floor plan.
• Big Kitchen.
• Walk in shower.
• Attic.
• Hand held shower head. Round tub.
• Flowers! Yellow roses, blue hydrangea. Daisies.
• Vegetable sink WITH GARBAGE DISPOSAL.
• Dish washer please.
• Fridge with ice dispenser.
• Warm lighting, no cool or fluorescent ray...

• Writing!
• Working!
• Living Purely. Loving purely. Having wholesome, pure goals and intentions. Pure happiness.
• Eating vegan.
• Listening to happy music like Lifehouse, Goo Goo Dolls, Corrine Bailey Rae, Nostalgic 2000's artists: All American Rejects, Switchfoot, Snow Patrol, Keane, and the story playlists I've made.
• Thinking about my nest egg.
• Tangelo.
• My desk flowers.
• Jensen Ackles' mini-documentary on his directorial journey on Supernatural - inspiring!
• My Hot Person Zodiac Calendar.
• Deep meditation: I am strong. I see clearly. I am passionate. Constant repetition of good thoughts to break through the fog...

I have created this list to compare the nature of the romance that I, a Virgo, experience with each individual zodiac sign.

• Aries - Fiery and all-important, I can't help but feel marketed and accessorized by this egomaniacal sign. Their agenda is prioritized directly by the benefit and growth of their own image. I can't help but find this way of living unsubstantial and potentially unhelpful to the life force of a relationship meant to be loving and considerate. Furthermore, the quick temper of this fire sign is an immediate repulsion.
• Taurus - A gentle giant, Taurus is fixed and steadfast, bordering on stagnant in my purely anecdotal experience - especially the males. Their shell is one made of rock and boulder and it is not to be trifled with, incompatible with my desire for ...

• My face! My bright eyes that sometimes turn yellow in sunlight, my plump lips, my high cheekbones and soft contours, my expressive eyebrows, and that prestigious beak of a nose of mine! It's obv what gets me laid.
• My ass. Yea.
• My hip bones!
• My thick biceps. Gu-goosh!
• My cute breasts that I sometimes don't even notice are there and therefore make life ten times easier.
• My doll-toes.
• My pretty wrist tattoo.
• My sense of humor!
• My writing and imagination skills!
• How visual my mind is - I can imagine anything into a movie.
• How non-judgmental, accepting and empathetic I've grown to be; no more nit-picky, dismissive Luree anymore. S'all about lov...

• BEACH party.
• Bonfire.
• Music.
• Lanterns.
• Traveling to a far beach, up north. Mendocino? Stay in a cabin for a few days before the party? Maybe.
• Need to make a birthday wish list.

• My lovely office desk flowers. They are my favorite colors, blue and yellow. And it is lovely.
• Not having my car stolen when I accidentally left the keys in the door, and avoiding a major panic attack.
• My stress-free low-intensity job.
• Not clogging the toilet at a friend's house when there was no plunger. And avoiding another major panic attack.
• Making $12 an hour.
• Working, and enjoying work profoundly.
• Working in an empowering all-female environment.
• Being able to see the harmful flaws in my behavior and thinking and transforming them; the ability to change, grow and heal.
• My writing, my stories; giving me the empathy for feelings and situations I have never and may never actually experience.

• Pride and Prejudice
• Anna Karenina (Kiera Knightley one)
• Jane Eyre (Mia Wasikowska one)
• The Godfather series
• French Kiss (1995)
• The Saint (Val Kilmer one)
• Black Swan
• Pineapple Express
• Donnie Brasco (an excellent film to use as a Mafia Tutorial)
• Maleficent
• Albert Nobbs

Baby Steps

• Research vegan chili recipes
• Find recipes used in competitions
• Try out a new chili recipe once or twice a month
• Remember to stay within your budget
• Try to keep the chili healthy and vegan, just KICK ASS HOT!
• And test it out on unwilling guinea pigs like your friends and family yay!
• *UPDATE: I FINALLY DID IT. The ultimate conclusion was a habanero/jalapeno/serano vegan chili which causes an extreme, intense, brutalizing purge similar to child birth. In other words, it's perfect.

Note: Do not eat this during the week or you will break the toilet at work. Not my best moment in Life.

• Make extra savings account online ($25) for con savings/vacation savings, so that it's separate from Life savigns
• Find magazines that are publishing poems and short stories
• Make writing schedule
• Make schedule to walk Fozzie more
• Get Fozzie neutered ($200+)
• SWITCH INSURANCE ASAP (save tons of money, downpayment $300+?)

Short Term

• New pants ($20?)
• New boots ($30?)
• Microsoft Office on collegebuys.com for $59.99
• MathLab online textbook $95.70
• Summer visit to Dad (NH)

= $155.69 (not including pants and boots)

Long Term

• Supernatural Convention in November (13-15) in Pasadena, CA (5 hours away by car, 1 hr by air).
• Life savings

Warning Signs found so far:

• "When your behavior or choices are motivated by fear, you're never acting from your most powerful self."
• When you truly love and respect yourself, you don't have to hide parts of your personality from a man.
• You can never feel truly powerful when you're dependent on something (or someone) outside of yourself.

REAL Rules to Tell Yourself:

• "I want the RIGHT man for me."
• "I want him to love me for who I REALLY am."
• "I want to make sure he's just what I'VE been looking for."
• "I want to work together to create a healthy, loving, mutually respectful relationship that grows into a commitment so out marriage will last."

• Daweson's Creek season six
• Ten Inch Hero
• Bob's Burgers
• Smallville season four
• Thomas Kinkade's Christmas Cottage
• Supernatural Gag Reels
• All of the 24 episodes with Misha Collins in them
• What's Eating Gilbert Grape

Holly

• Cosmic Coupling by Starsky and Cox
• Pregnancy: A Beginner's Guide by DK
• Secrets and Mysteries of Being a Glorious Woman by Denise Lynn
• Maternity clothes/gift certificate
• Baby stuff (toys, clothes, baby-proofing supplies, etc)
• Any stuff from her Wish lists

Andrea

• Any stuff from her Wish lists
• Purple stuff (clothes or jewelry, pillows, etc)
• Elephant decor
• Forever 21 gift card
• H&M gift card
• Justin Timberlake merch

Ariana

• Giraffe stuff

8/23/14

Things I Can Achieve in 20 Years:

• Become a screenwriter. With school, without school, rich or poor, doesn't matter - become a screenwriter. Write a movie. Do what YOU want.
• Open up my own production house. Become a producer. No holds barred; write what I love, film what I love, and support other artists along the way. Sure it's not as grand as mainstream films, but I can market the hell out of a movie. Do whatever it takes to do and get what I want, so I can be happy.

Things I can do Now

• Start a blog. Post my writings on there, critique movies.
• Finish the novels I've started. All of them.
• Publish said novels. Sell them as ebooks....

• Swimming in the sea.
• Going to the beach, listening to the water. Being around water.
• Intense meditation.
• Yoga. Hot yoga.
• Mumford and Sons (banjo icon for list?)
• Blessing your water.
• Traveling far and visiting heart spots like Mendocino.
• Going to art walks, immersing yourself in culture, art and entertainment.
• Making music! Playing piano.
• Going to the theatre.
• Dancing.
• Sunsets (sunset icon for list?)
• Writing!
• Church. No need to be religious, sitting under a grand cathedral is good enough.
• Reading empowering self help books (Secrets and Mysteries: The Glory and Pleasure of Being a Woman by Denise Lynn, Codepend...

• Ten Inch Hero (DVD, 2007)
• What's Eating Gilbert Grape (DVD)
• Angel tarot deck
• Forever 21, H&M, or iTunes gift cards
• Supernatural DVD seasons (any except 1 and 2, already have those)
• The Sextrology and Cosmic Coupling books, by Starsky & Cox.
• Auric Blends roll on oils (sweet or tropical smells, like almond or coconut!)
• Smallville season four
• Daweson's Creek season six
• But I'm A Cheerleader
• A bigger iPod

• Lifting my hair a lighter shade. Beach brown!
• Get a mani-pedi.
• Work out and get flat abs yeah!
• Take a belly dancing class.
• Have a beach birthday party.
• Take an exotic dancing class too, like pole dancing. Whoo!
• Take a vegan cooking class and make sure they teach how to properly chop vegetables and fruit.

• Writing: Feeling the exhilaration of making a scene, of a climax, of a first impression, a first kiss. Being swept away.
• Watching a breath-taking movie on the big screen.
• Being surprised by an album or song that packs more of a lunch that I thought and grabs me by the heart strings
• Discovering a new beautiful place and having a moment in it, especially with someone I love
• Being inspired. Zapped by soft lightning.

• Being written off, cut out, dismissed from people's lives.
• Being at the brunt of another person's anger or disappointment.
• Someone leaving me behind because of said anger and disappointment.
• Reprimand. Punishment.
• My social patterns, love life patterns, and general life quality remaining the same as I age.
• Not changing, not improving, and not gaining success.
• Becoming a hypocrite.
• Not doing what I say because I don't say what I mean because I don't know what I want or how to express what I need - in other words, becoming a hypocrite.
• Knowing what I need and not being able to apply it to my life; not prioritizing the needs I know I have over the fleeting wants of everything and everyone else.

• Carrot Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting
• Fudge Brownies (with or without nuts)
• Chocolate Banana Cake with Custard filling
• Banana Frosting
• Peanut Butter Chocolate Fudge
• Boston Cream Cake

BABY STEPS! Ideas:

• Work on your diet; eat less carbs and fatty foods
• Try going to the gym once a week; it might seem small, but it'll add up.
• After a while, try going to the gym twice a week.
• And then three times a week. Max.
• Find a good cleanse
• Research good motivation
• Create deadlines for yourself: Lose X pounds by X time.
• Create weight loss journal/food diary
• Email doctor about possible diet pills - ask for advice on the matter first!

Motivational Suggestions:

• Buy a sexy crop top and put it on your door so you see it every day
• Paste up a picture of a sexy dude
• Paste up a picture of a sexy lass with ni...

• Nautical/Lighthouse
• California
• Beach (California Beach)

Things to Try and Definitely Get:

• California poster or flag

Imperatives:

• Call Career Center at NVC for a new job

Necessities:

• Write up a new financial plan for Supernatural Con, NH visit, and summer road trip with Roni or Holly to wherever.
• Design 21st birthday celebration. Make list to figure out what I want.

• Plane trip
• Bills for that month:

- Car ($366.56) - Insurance ($274.47)

• Spending money for that month: ?

• Live the life you've been given.
• Stop judging others. "When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.” - Wayne Dyer.
• Trust yourself and your decisions.
• Do what you say.
• Always do what YOU decide.
• Do what you want, not what other people want.
• Embrace your feelings, including anger.
• Don't repress any feelings - including anger!! Express it. If you don't, you'll never heal.
• Let your own problems consume you, not other people's.
• Don't let your problems consume you.
• Detachment does not mean you don't care. It means you're making room for yourself, not just them.
• Let it go. You don't have to take things so seriously. Living in a sea of anxiety ...

8/27/14

Things I Can Achieve in Five Years:

• Learn samba dancing.
• Learn belly dancing.
• Learn pole-dancing.

Things I Want to be able to do by Age 30:

• Speak Portuguese.
• Dance better.
• Feel good in crop tops.

Location Ideas:

• Mendocino, Fort Bragg. Stay in a cabin, hit the beaches, relax.

Vegan Cake Ideas:

• Fox&Fawn Bakehouse in Benicia has a very refined, sophisticated style to their cake decorating while also indulging unusual, aromatic flavors like sea salted maple and spiced chai latte. If you like going for something posh and artsy, yet mature, try them!
• Vegan Paradice in Fairfield has a variety of fun, classic flavors like Boston cream pie and strawberry shortcake, without all the high-brow trimmings and fittings. It'll look like you brought it straight out of your own kitchen, cute and humble, but it will taste ah-mazing. Plus, the lady who runs the shop with her husband and kid son is an absolute joy who gives you...

• My family - my mother, my aunt, my cousins, my father, my brother, everyone.
• My Mean Girls work environment where everyone talks behind each other's back, is catty and superficial and spiteful.
• Having to "fake it" when in this environment because I need this job.
• Not having a car to escape the madness.
• Not having enough money to move out and escape the madness.
• Being judged by other people, significant and insignificant, before they even know me.
• Being dismissed by said judges as someone to know at all, even after I've put effort into getting to know them and accept them.
• Trying to avoid said judges in order to be around people I love and feeling like I'm a rat, sneaking around behind house walls.

It makes me uncomfortable to think that most women are more spontaneous, empowered, carefree and dominant than I am in life. And the fact is, that very well may be true. Here's why:

External Struggle:

• I am inhibited. I think things through before I do them, become overly-considerate of the situation, and when the window of opportunity opens to me, I turn into a frozen computer. By the time I reboot, the window has closed.
• My natural temperament and energy is low. Calm. Mellow. I don't feel the same urges that a lot of people do for action; if anything, when everyone else is getting excited over something, I only feel peer pressure and obligation to chameleon my way into the fun. And sure, I've experienced a lot of fun by breaking my shell and doing purely what I want and not doing wha...

This is about what I want to escape from, change or improve in my life.

• My home town. I want to leave and live somewhere beautiful, natural, and preferably coastal. I love the water. Probably need it to be content.
• My peer group. Healthy, honest, creative, successful people with ambition and compassion are who I need to surround myself with. Right now, there is a very small amount of that in my life. Not enough.
• My career. I have a good job, but I want to become a published author and screenwriter. I need that to feel accomplished and to die happy.
• I basically need to become a successful writer in order to win that prized crew of hard-working friends I desire.
• My home. One day I will have the beachfront nest I pine for so badly, and everything will be better.

• The Place Beyond the Pines
• Tammy
• 22 Jump Street
• Top Gun
• Back To The Future (already seen it, must watch again!)
• George of the Jungle (again)
• Get On Up (2014)
• Mitty (2013)
• Jersey Boys (dir. Clint Eastwood)

• What's Eating Gilbert Grape
• Ten Inch Hero (2007)
• Thomas Kinkade's Christmas Cottage (2008)
• Just Friends (2005)
• Bridget Jones' Diary (and Edge of Reason!!)
• Gravity (2013)
• Dark Harbor (1999)
• She's All That (1999)
• Girl, Interrupted (1999)
• The Faculty (1998)
• The Boondock Saints (1999)
• Hope Floats (1998)
• French Kiss (1995)
• But I'm A Cheerleader (1999)