- dreams are such an interesting thing. there's so many aspects and unexplained phenomenons that revolve around these ideas our subconscious creates.. it gets pretty convoluted (and i'm certainly no expert) but i find it just fascinating!
- this has been the best summer of my life. all the movies, traveling, good eats, late nights, simple times. thank you for letting me forget my anxious self, thank you for allowing me to let go.
- i am feel like a child again, watching the pair of you exchange shy affections, impeded only by respective uncertainties. sometimes i wish i could assure you both better, but i like where this is headed. all your little stories swim around my mind and i think that there is no better person for you.. so excited!
- i wish i could sit down with you and simply have a heart to heart conversation. spill thoughts, be vulnerable.
- i'm like him? it was a simple comparison. small comment but it made me smile (it still does), if you didn't notice. nice to know someone feels this as passionately as i do.
- i've gotten over that condescending attitude i might have had at one point. if there's any way through life, it shouldn't mean thinking yourself as more or less valuable than others. smile, be amiable, be sweet, be sincere.
- i wish the cute barista would come back. it'd give me an excuse to actually order something this time around.
- i want to get this right.
- i hear this song and i think of you. for some reason, it's always you. you and i are complete strangers. but these little things -- they're always you.
- if i could take all these missed connections and craft them into something, could they amount to anything?
- words feel so contrived where they were once fluid and daring--i can't help but feeling this incessant and unsettling feeling that i've lost touch with where i've been. maybe among dusty pages and pages again could i find where those words have gone, but for now, it's a game of hide-and-seek i can't seem to pursue.
- park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me
- how can you miss something that never was? perhaps this feeling isn't so foreign -- to long for something that was never tangible, an idea, a feeling -- you?
- but i'm not the kind of girl that the guys fall in love with, am i?
- i felt inadequate for days on end and the thought was haunting, prying deeper into my conscious, embedded there. and maybe you wouldn't know it then, but it was the sweetest thing. "don't settle for anything less than what you're worth." sometimes i need the reminder, so thank you, thank you for that.
- i can't be honest with myself can i? i feel i am all these people and all at once too, so much that my head is spinning. and god, do i wish that i could rid myself of my anxious ways but there's a little uncertainty in everything no matter how much i want to believe otherwise
- to the boy who sits in front of me in ap bio: you are ridiculously adorable. way to melt my heart.
- it's nights like these--warm and clear--that i remember the smallest of details so lucidly. everything from the feeling--and god do i feel everything and everything too intimately--to the faces. the words. how easy it was to divulge something willing on your lips, to bask in this strangeness and familiarity. so commemorate; i listen to the songs we sang so freely and wildly and remember the tireless days of being young, alive. i could never ask for anything more.
- waist-deep in ideas i never thought would come back to me. it's overwhelming to daydream this much again.
- when did i become so disillusioned? i've been nurturing this desolation like it's mine to keep, following these cycles on repeat.
- i've always wanted to do this: to trace patterns into someone's skin, slow, so that when we part, they'll remember the faint tickle of my fingers, and those languid, concentric circles in the palm of their hand.
- the situation is foreign and yet i feel that i am treading familiar ground; you say i know all the places that make you dizzy, that make you weak. so how is it that you can feel this thing, unprecedented, and yet know all the marks?
- you make me feel things i never realized could be my own. you're the sweetest, ever. it's safe to say that i like you.
- because all i’ve ever wanted was to let someone hear me out, candidly and unreservedly, let my fleeting thoughts unravel from tip of my tongue where they’d always resided and fall on your head like soft rain. give you a taste of my world and my hopes and my fears and stumble over all my words, like i do, with hopes that you’d want to delve deeper every time. keep you wondering, always curious why you could never quite figure me out. make you laugh, feel the warmth of proximity and just that, there, ad infinitum, a feeling you never knew could be yours, a feeling you could never attach a title to. wake up with purpose—no matter how infinitesimal: to aim for the curve of your smile, the soft reverberations of laughter. it’s this kind of morning in my mind all day, this kind of contentedness that assures me that this is not fleeting. with no dissolution in sight.
- (baby you've got me going so insane and i just don't know what's going down)
- butterfly and eskimo kisses
- i met this boy, and he's a real game-changer.
- it's kind of ingrained in my mind, now: the proximity, the trail of kisses from the base of my neck to a lull before my lips (you hesitate, as if waiting for my green light), the smile i feel stretching across both our faces, reciprocated, all of it breaking down into milliseconds and we take it as it goes. you find my spots over and over again, know all the places that make me dizzyingly weak, all the spots i didn't even know existed. your scent lingers, still, even now, and i'd be lying if i said i was not completely enamored with you. this, always.
- (aka september 16. we kissed on your sofa, over and over again.)
- lightheaded and flushed (i've never, ever, felt this much like a teenager in my life).
- "stop and wait a sec, oh when you look at me like that, my darling what did you expect? i'd probably still adore you with your hands around my neck"
- i am in love with everything about this boy.
- anything to make you smile, always.
- 10/16/11. ♥♥
- it's strange because at that point i'd nearly abandoned the notion of love, pushed it to the recesses of my mind for later days when i thought i'd find it. i had always been idealistic, conjuring up images of what-could-be's and who-it-might-be's. i had learned to tame those thoughts and exist contentedly. and then you came along, a whirlwind of a boy, took me by surprise and god, i fell for you. so hard and so fast. it's strange because i never thought it'd come my way, so unexpectedly and suddenly as you did and with such magnitude, but you got me, you have me, so good.
- i feel like i'm always counting weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds, backward and forward: the time that separates when i will see you next, when i get to kiss you on the mouth, when you get to hold me, when we will say hello, when i get to breathe in your scent, when we have to say goodbye, when you have to go, when i have to leave, it's all... calculated. in my head. my mind runs numbers constantly but never adds them up, because all those numbers will amount to something, some allotted time for us to keep each other close, physically at least, because there are no barriers to how much you are with me and, i hope, that i am with you. it's distressing but i love you and i'm scared and anxious but believe that you and i have something that can withstand any test of time and of distance. i feel both extremities, the lightness of being with you and the heaviness of our worlds, and how they should coincide in the ways possible. just know that i want to be the girl who sees you through it all: everything you are, everything you aspire to be.
- here's the thing, and i knew it: i'm selfish in love. i've never known what it was like to miss someone when they were there until you came along.. and it's difficult at times, i'll admit. but i know it's less you than it is my own head and thoughts that prompt this. it's just that it's time to realize that you are pursuing amazing, bigger things and i can't be the one to tie you down; i have/want to be the one to help push you toward those things. so as busy as you'll be, i swear, i will be happy for you. i'm selfish and i want you for myself, but even more than that, i want everything you've worked for to show you that it was all worth it.
- "you're crazy about her. i've never seen you this interested and invested in a girl."
- i've heard stories about lovers across distances that have ended badly--heard fewer of those that were successful in maintaining those ties. and yet it's those ones that resonate in my mind, attenuate the anxious thoughts about the future, and how both of ours might entwine. one morning before church you took out your photo albums, sat me down and told me the story of your parents. how they were high school sweethearts--never loved anyone else, no one before, no one after--how they were separated. for years without seeing each other, seas apart. how they talked, they wrote, all those years away. and when they were finally together, , as promised, they married. the sweetness of that story still sits with me every time this crosses my mind. how you told me that if they could endure the distance, then surely we could do the same. i always get anxious thinking about it; some part of me is always scared you'll find someone infinitely more interesting, someone prettier or something along those lines. but at the same time i know you only speak to me in truths when you say that this here is something unprecedented for the both of us, something finally, tangibly, real.
- i'm trying to be stronger for you. but it's hard when you hold both sides of my face in your hands, the way you do, quietly asking again and again that i look at you, that i listen to you, that i need not worry about such things. "i love that you're hard on yourself, because that shows you care--but i don't want that to get in the way of your happiness." it's difficult because when it's just the two of us like that, it's difficult to not completely unravel. because even with all the morning and nightly calls sometimes it's not enough; sometimes it's all those intricate thoughts of yours i want to hear, those conversations that kept us up on the phone 'til dawn when we first started talking. because sometimes that's all i want: all your beautiful thoughts that sit up in that crazy head of yours. when i tell you i've missed you, i miss this the most: you, your hopes, your concerns, your ambitions, your intellect, your way of bringing me back.
- i'm so unsure of so many things in life; i'm indecisive at my worst, i want everything, i want to be so many things, i'm torn between so many things. but there are few things i am sure of: to live humbly and to win the respect of those i admire. to never stop chasing; success, in the form that might bring me happiness. and, you. i never thought i'd have enough love for a person to say it freely, but you proved me wrong.
- "hey, one day i'm going to marry you, okay?"
- i hope that you and i never stop chasing.
- i don't know i don't know i don't know. and it scares me.
- just when i thought i had you all figured out, you manage to prove me wrong and surprise me when i least expect it. to you, who keeps me on my toes and reassures me we're going to keep chasing.
- i am so fucking scared of getting this wrong, because i have been, because nothing feels right at this moment. i hope you know i need you as much as you need me, but i need you to show it, i need you to remind me. i need you to be upfront with me because we can let this fucking passive aggression get in the way, because i'll read it the wrong way, because i'll overreact, because i need that much from you. from us. i need that. i'm emotionally tired and i need you to know that i'm doing what i can.
- i need you to meet me halfway. i'm tired, i really am, and i need you to remind me why i keep fighting for this. i'm at my wit's end and i can't take another night of losing sleep over any of this. because i knew there would come a time when you'd stop trying all the things it took to get me, because you're comfortable now because you have me, because i'll always be there, always forgive you regardless of how hurt i've been. and i'm just so so so so tired. i need you to fight harder and show me you want this just as much as i do.
- i'm lucky to love someone so deeply but it pains me that some things cross my mind as often as they do. i miss you in ways i did not know possible. i suppose i was so fixated on this idea of a love we had cultivated, the newness of it, the exclusivity of it, so much that once that had given way to time, to push and shove, to the arbitrary nature of life, i was stuck with some far-fetched expectation that we could live in that pocket of idealism forever. that you could go on perpetually intrigued by me, that you could still try as hard as you did for me, that you could still look at me the way you did. i miss certain things about you so deeply and it hurts my heart to think that way, it really does. flawed as you are, i'm not unyielding to the current you. i suppose like anything, like any change, i should anticipate it will take some getting used to. it has been a rough year for us undoubtedly and we'll always try to get back to where we were before all this.
- perhaps its not inadequacy that fuels my feelings of lackluster, but a deep understanding of what i honestly deserve.
- "so are you saying i wasn't intimidating?" "i don't know. you were a friend that i began to talk to... and soon enough i realized i wanted to talk to you more and more. you were different. and then i realized i loved you."
- 'you know that i want to see you, from all that you are, to all that you do. i know you had your concerns. the lies, the fears, the burns. the scars we seem to earn, i took off my cool but now it's your turn.'
- 'take off your cool' by sartorial sounds... whenever i miss you.
jul 18 2010 ∞
aug 27 2013 +