I starting having bad thoughts, like losing hope that it'll get better

if I'm going to live like this for a long time, I don't wanna pass through it, but I can't tell this to no one else except myself, and it was already very hard to tell this here.

it's like void inside of me, and I've been trying to keep standing up even without bones, and it's tiring and it's never getting better, only numbness gets me a rest from this.

a few days ago I was feeling very frustrated because I was in this lack of energy to do things for a long time, but then at one night I put some music on my phone and started dancing and it was good and energy came to me somehow.

though, when I think about this moment today I feel silly again, because I thought something was happening and days ahead would be better, but it got worse, and I'm really tired of getting worse.