and then the stage bathed itself, bloodred lights, and suddenly it was obvious even before my breath caught in my shallow lungs. and the way it was played was perfect, perfect; it was all franticism and rush and timing.

and i saw, bathed in the red lights and washed in the pace of the drums, seth and his blonde hair, short and confident and sensitive; every inch of him that i loved. and farther back, also bathed in the red of the lights stands ryan in his flannels and his height and his feline face.

and me, twelve rows of rocks back with my bare feet and flowered dress and tears washing out my face as i knew, firmly, that these boys could both give a fuck about my honor.

and so, red like an ambulance stand these tall pieces of my heart and father alongs stands the unforgiving moon with its blank face, the same moon that has seen me starve and drive and smoke and puke and compromise and hold myself together and have my honor fucked with.

the moon that saw a father slur countless drunken worthless statements at a child, the moon that has seen a tall sturdy brother walking away, choosing to help another middle schooler over the one blood chose for him.

and so there i stand, so small in my plans, trying to keep my spine straight as i stand on what ive refused to tell anyone is the two year anniversary of when seth looked me in the face and told me that it was over, the two years ago today that the same moon saw a boy and a girl, framed in tension, the girl sitting empty in the drivers seat of a parked car in a church, sobbing. the same moon that watched a girl curse her blood, her decisions, desperate to understand what the boy wanted and what she had done. two years ago, same moon, same girl, with the weight of every flower and necklace and painting and whispered word of affirmation from the boy she thought she would marry pressing against her spine.

the moon may have been white but all i see was blood red.