How to Protect Your Home Against Break-Ins

Alright, so you’ve got an apartment and moved in, but you’re worried about break-ins and assholes. How do you protect yourself?

• Lock your doors.
• Make sure your lock works. if you own the place, consider adding a second lock (a dead bolt is best) or upgrading your current lock. If your lock sucks and you rent, talk to your landlord about adding another (they might spring for a simple chain, which is better than nothing).
• Upgrade your door. If you own the place and you’re really fucking scared, replace the whole damn door. Pick one that can’t be easily kicked in.
• Don’t use a hide-a-key. Places like under rocks, above the door, under the doormat, or in a flower pot are so cliché and you’re basically leaving a key for the thief to let himself in (possibly multiple times). Give your spare to a trusted friend or neighbor, or keep it in another safe location, like your car.
• Don’t give out your alarm or garage codes. Keep these as secret as the passwords to your secret tumblrs.
• Keep your windows from opening more than 6 inches. Don’t open your windows enough for a person to get in—and make sure it’s not an option to open your windows this far. New windows include this as a built-in feature, but for older windows, this can be fixed just by dropping a wooden dowel 6 inches shorter than the height of the window into the metal gutter. [Note: really old windows can be just taken out of their frames. You can fix this by installing sheet-metal screws into the upper track.]
• Do the same thing with sliding doors. You can buy a special locking sash for sliding doors (or, hopefully, the apartment comes with one) or you can drop a sturdy curtain rod at the bottom (out of sight).
• Make sure your place looks like someone actually lives there. That means no newspapers (what year is this anyway?) or shit piling up in front of your front door. Or a full mailbox. Or no trash on the curb.
• Notify the postal service to hold your mail while you’re on vacation.
• Ask friends or neighbors to watch your place while you’re out of town. Water plants if you have them, let your pets out, or just hang out at the apartment for an hour or two so someone sees a car out front.
• When on vacation, set your outside lights on timers. Actually, do this all the time, it conserves energy. You can even do this with your inside lights to make it look like someone’s home.
• You can also install motion sensor lights. Light up your yard like the fucking 4th of July if a prowler shows up.
• Don’t leave things out by the trash that suggest you’re loaded. If you just bought a brand new 72" tv or some shit, don’t flaunt it. make sure that box gets into a shared dumpster or bring it to a recycling facility. Don’t tell a thief about all the cool stuff you have.
• Don’t hide your valuables in obvious places. Don’t keep them in the master bedroom at all, if you can help it. This is assuming the thief is already in the house, but you may as well minimize what the asshole takes.
• Keep a detailed inventory of your valuables. Take pictures, too! Keep it in the cloud, if possible, in case the thief steals your computer or camera. This will be handy if you do get robbed and need to file a report with the insurance company and police.
• Make friends with your neighbors. Especially if that neighbor is an old woman who watches everyone out of her front window a la Mrs. Kravitz. [Super old references for the win?]
• Alarm systems. Duh. These are an expensive option, but it’s an option nonetheless.
• Walk around your place and think of the ways you could break in. You won’t be as good as a potential thief, but you can deter stupid criminals.
• Take advantage of your local police department’s home security inspection program. Yes, that’s right, you can call your local police and ask them to inspect your place and let you know how screwed you are (and how to fix things).