- First off, i guess this became kind of my new notes? and i love it? it's been amazingly good for my head all the recent times I've written here so I let's go (I'm kinda trying to delay it buuuut let's go)
- So, today I got into a fight with my sister over something incredibly stupid, but despite it being something small I got really upset over it and probably was too rush and agressive (which in turn upset her which in turn upset me and so on), but here are a list of things around this argument and why it was such a big deal:
- lately I feel like she keeps points things out of nowhere and I guess I'ma start to write those because it's been hurting me: 1 - the other day she looked at me and said "I think I'm more human than you", 2 - the other other day we were at church talking about her old friends and she started talking about how much I hurt her as a kid and asking if I remember any of that, 3 - today she complained about me leaving the other open and complaining about she doing it (I'm a hypocrytical) which escalated to "me not taking critics nicely" and "reverting things to criticize her" so that "I'm never wrong"
- it's been happening A LOT lately and out of NOWEHERE
- and now I'ma stop writing FACTS and things that HAPPENED and start writting my FEELINGS (which I have... a lot... and no one can know about [well maybe mom])
- First, it's not related to my sister but also kinda is... the whole "things come harder for you" that my mom said the other day, I know this and I am in peace with it, but the fact that my sister does not acknowledge this or cares to ever notice kinds makes me sad but I can't really blame her;
- Second, I feel like she doesn't see me anymore, there was a time when I felt like she was the only person in the world to truly see me and understand me, now it doesn't feel like that anymore, like she KNOWS me, but doesn't UNDERSTAND me or SEES me anymore, I feel like I'm a persona to her and not a PERSON;
- Which leads to third: I feel like lately I have to always pretend around her, I have to put on a costume and be SOMETHING and not ME. Lately I feel like I have to perform for her, and she used to be the ONLY person I didn't have to do this for, which makes me feel really sad and lonely, and hurt.
- And now I feel alone and sad, because today I was thinking about the fight and decided to listen to some music so I could cry and put my feeling out, and then something really strange happened... I went looking for and old playlist, a playlist I haven't heard in a VERY long time, a playlist I made so many years ago, about not feeling understood by my parents and not being up to their expectations, and it was CRAZY to think about this being a feeling i had again but towards MY SISTER. MY LITTLE SISTER. Like... what did I let her turn into in my life? what is this place i let her get to? what have I done? this is not good or healthy, she is obviously not happy with me and I have been hurting and feeling super toxic things, so I guess...
- This probably meeans I need a break. A break from her, I need to understand myself better and heal a little bit on my own, and I think she need some time to grow up and mature.
- This is sad, but definetely not as sad as what's happening right now so it's probably for the best.
dec 21 2025 ∞
dec 21 2025 +