i have so many thoughts swirling around my head. i always do. i don't think it's possible for me to get everything out into this blog post. it never really has been. so many people have expressed in some way that i seem to desperately want to be heard, and i guess i do. i just don't feel as though i am capable of even saying everything i want to say. even this expression of my thoughts doesn't feel adequate enough and i don't know how to fix that. i don't know how to express my thoughts in any way that will actually feel as though it manages to accurately express even a fraction of my thoughts.

anyway, this is a blog post about the tv series supernatural.

the place that seems right to begin is something that surprised me when i was doing a little bit of research. when i had started watching supernatural i had these thoughts about it being a show that was probably aired on the cw. as someone who was born in the early 2000's, the existence of the cw was something i had never really questioned. it had basically been there my entire life from the perspective i've had. well, i stumbled upon the wikipedia article that's a list of supernatural episodes and the blurb at the top informed that supernatural did in fact air on the cw, but only after the channel came into existence in 2006 after the show had already begun airing.

there is also apparently an anime adaption for supernatural which is something i find fascinating, though i don't want to get sidetracked.

i had always known about supernatural in a vague way. most of my exposure to it was through tumblr culture osmosis and even then my understanding was extremely limited. i had seen the destiel meme image dozens of times, but i couldn't have even told you who was who. there's a lot of things in that kind of direction, when it comes to discussing the extent of my knowledge of the series before i got into it properly.

i actually got interested in supernatural because of an interest i had in gilmore girls, specifically with the character dean forester who is played by the same actor as sam winchester. that itself is a whole can of worms i could delve into if i really wanted to, though i don't feel it's really necessary as i write this. in the end, interest in supernatural was eventually born. the more it developed once the interest was sparked, the more drawn into it i felt until i finally decided to sit down and start the first episode.

everything involved with that decision has been incredibly complicated for me, due to the nuanced involved in my own personal history. i could go on and on about it for pages. every single bit of my personal history is deeply interconnected and linked together in a vast web that makes any apparent big decision such as getting into a new television show difficult. any little thing could become life altering.

it dawned on me eventually that supernatural had what it takes to fulfil an important role in my life and i decided eventually that it was fine if it did, i was willing to let it. as documented here, actually.

before i actually decided to start watching, i'd managed to gain the impression i would probably become attached to dean winchester's character. this proved to be true very quickly. i like sam winchester, too, but as far as things go, i actually prefer his actor as dean forester on gilmore girls for reasons that aren't especially important here. there's something about deans, it seems.

so far, i've only watched up to episode nine of the first season. something about that episode shook me in a way, and i'm already contemplating going back to the start of the series and watching everything i've already seen again. writing this blog post at this specific point in time is proving to be a way of documenting this particular moment in my own personal history, and i'm sure it will be interesting to look back upon at various points in my future.

there was a moment i was watching the episode bugs (the eighth episode) where i turned to my mother and told her i noticed i was getting attached to the particular ways things are set up at the beginning of the series and that as the show went on for it's total 15 seasons i was likely going to start hating it the further it went off track. might as well document that as well, just so i can later reflect on if that is true or not when the time is right. i tend to know myself well enough to predict things like this, though i do acknowledge this assumption may end up being wrong. only time will tell.

(sidenote: i don't really know where else i could even talk about this, but bugs is actually one of my favorite episodes so far because it is the first episode i would say falls into the category of "so bad it's good" for me. i found the episode completely ridiculous the entire time i was watching it and laughed over and over again, even at moments i knew i was supposed to be taking seriously. i obviously acknowledge that the plotline the episode follows and the overall execution, especially in regards to the inclusion of things pertaining to native americans, is dubious at best though i must acknowledge i am not really equipped to talk about that in any detailed way due to overall ignorance especially as someone viewing the episode 20 years removed from when it was originally aired on television.)

that specific problem is why the ninth episode home probably shook me as much it did. the episode ended in such a way that i knew more was going to be built up and established and that the direction of the story was going to change sooner or later as a result. as things are now, i really like supernatural, i was right when i realized it had the potential to be my next big thing. i'm likely always going to cherish the beginning of the series, flaws and all. i don't want to stop feeling this way about it, i certainly don't want it to feel as though it's spiraling out of control as the series plays out even if i know all too well it's probably going to feel that way. there is no show on earth that can go on for that long without going through some twists and turns, even if the overall format remains the same to the point of profound stagnation and staleness. that's simply how things work.

i think one of the last things i can really dig into here for what it's worth, is my desire to not entangle myself into the fandom in ways i've done before with other interests. see this prior blog post for a detailed explanation was to why. to make a long story short, i hate fandom. though, more than that, i basically just want to have the room to come to my own conclusions without the influence of others. things are so rarely just my own. my perspective often ends up becoming a big mess of ideas i adopted from other people. there's nothing necessarily wrong with that, just to be clear. it can be enjoyable and often has been for me, though i do really want to experience something in a different way for once.

i'm likely still going to explore certain fandom avenues, but i have no plans of going in the direction of avenues i've explored before. i really want to explore old fandom content if i'm looking at anything supernatural fandom related at all, due to the rich history associated with it online. tumblr and modern day youtube video essays are no-gos. there's a level of detachment with the older stuff that allows me to not feel so consumed by it.

there's plenty more i could say, but i'm basically ready to wrap this up. if i ever feel like i need to add more, i'll figure out an approach to doing so. i always do. i guess the final note i have is that i feel like when i finally get to him, i'm probably not going to like castiel's character very much to him shaking up the overall dynamic presented at the start of the show. i've already discussed in prior paragraphs though the potential for me to not like stuff later on, so that probably comes as no surprise.

in conclusion: i like supernatural :) it's my new favorite thing. i am looking forward to seeing where my investment into this series takes me, woohoo.