In my kindergarten art class, sunlight dripped through fingerpaint-covered windows. I learnt the primaries: red, blue, yellow. I could make the whole rainbow out of three colours. I was older when I started telling myself that I only looked at the female anatomical models for reference. I had so much experience dressing quickly and keeping my eyes on the ground in the locker room, but this girl made me understand why they say “pretty as a painting”. You can’t touch museum art. We have the same lotion. It smells better on her, it makes me think of cookies and old Paris cafés where the great painters had lunch. The colour palette I bring from home is so dark, but she makes me lean towards romantiscism. I can’t draw a straight line anymore but it’s okay; her hair is naturally curly. A boy called her weird yesterday, and I wanted to tell her that I have spent hours practicing shadin...

• the pulsating thoughts of the future and college and why i'm stuck in this position, and how most importantly did i manage to get myself here- i myself put myself here. and all this time i thought i was the one who was in control, i was the one who was leading myself, when really i'm just following myself and waiting for something to happen because i could never imagine myself in a situation where i would have no direction if i was with myself because i always trusted myself to push through and find a way and when i can't find a way i feel as though i have failed.
• her eyes and her hair the way it falls on her face and the way it curls and it's sweet color and her sweetness and her ethereal eyes and the way she thinks of me which will never be what i need and not close to what i want but she is everything i have - so she has become everything i ne...

• hotel in france, Salon
• warrington
• sleeping on the butt of a girl i met at Danielle Jacob's party
• danielle avera's house
• on the floor at Jaydin Leslie's house after we snuck out on her golf course
• lucy's beach house

• competence (n) - possession of required skill, knowledge, qualification, or capacity.
• hindsight (n) - understanding of a situation or event only after it has happened or developed.
• idyllic- (adj) - (esp. of a time or place) like an idyll; extremely happy, peaceful, or picturesque.
• proficiency (n) - skill; expertness
• retrospect (n)** - a survey or review of a past course of events or period of time.
• savoir-faire (n) - adaptability, adroitness, diplomacy, discernment, skill, ability.

There is no true way to revive oneself of depression. It is not a misery that will heal with time, nor can it be healed by medications. Revival, renewal of oneself, must be self disciplined and self ordered. Resonating inside of us is every emotion a human is capable of. Every emotion is provoked. Every emotion can be drawn out, can be rescued. And we change our emotions. We change our emotions by ourselves. We flick the switch in our minds ourselves. We slowly dim the lights. There are no servants in depression. It is you, and it is your body. It is your body talking, and you never defying yourself.

Listen to the way your fingers click againgst the key board. Notice how often your eyelashes will touch. Take control of your breath and allow it to speak. Your hair will fall and leave behind little messages of you. They will know who you truly are.

• i crave over stimulation from anything from over stimulation of sexual pleasure to screen to attention to alcohol to mind numbing easy to follow social media navigation
• because i cant handle myself

• play the piano
• play classical guitar
• draw, paint
• longboard
• type pretty fast
• writing
• making baked goods?

???????????????????

• both of my parents are alive and are accepting and loving
• i have a house to live in
• i have a car and my parents pay for my insurance
• im offered education
• i have unlimited food and water
• that i'm not racially profiled negatively
• that my race doesn't impact my daily life
• i have free internet

• "She was a being more rare, more beautiful, purer, more perfect and more delicate than the wildest dream of a poet. I could never believe her to be my own flesh and blood. Her beauty was a well-spring of purest water-of-life, and to look upon her was to drink and drink and drink again... She was rare, a perfect creation, a work of purest art. A delicate flower that bloomed in the liquid light of the moon. A nature not of this world, a personality like that of some biblical maiden, gracious and queenly. I found it difficult to believe her my own..."
• "He would put on 'I kiss your little hand, Madame' and mime great passion for an invisible partner, kissing the mythological hand, pleading to the stars and jungle around him to console him in an unrequited abstract love."
• So if I asked you about art, you’d prob...

• Your voice
• Your hair. You cut it for locks of love. You talked about that a lot. Whoever got your gorgeous curls is one lucky girl.
• Your eyelashes.
• Your voice. Again. Please talk to me forever.
• Your hand gestures when you're in a deep track of thought or explaining something. I can see the thoughts on the tip of your fingertips
• Your clothes, and how just seeing your calves when you wear capris sometimes makes me cry.
• Your skin
• The freckle on your nose
• How beautiful you look with or without your glasses
• But when you take those glasses off my heart gets lost under the waves of my panging ache for you

• I used to wear all black, straighten my hair, always wear a (black and overlarge) jacket, and now I wear dresses and flats and blush. I haven't changed inside, or so I like to think, but everyone has treated me better. Everyone has said I've changed and that I've become someone happier and nicer. When all I did was shop at Forever 21.
• I can't do anything but I'd do anything for you
• There is a fine line between happiness and inspiration
• Sometimes I wish I was dumb so I'd be more surprised
• Who we want to be defines who we are
• Sometimes inspirational happiness can be found in the darkest of times
• There is happiness in comfort
• There is a difference between obsession and love

• First thing you wash in the shower?-my stomach, boobs
• Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker-alcohol
• Would you kiss the last person you kissed again-maybe, depending if he apologized
• Do you plan outfits?-yes
• How are you feeling RIGHT now?-bloated, anxious, tired, hopeless
• Whats the closest thing to you thats red?-the blanket on top of me
• What would you do if you opened your door and saw a dead body?-scream, go into shock, turn around really fast to make sure i'm not next and then go to the neighbors and call the cops
• Tell me about the last dream you remember having?-i was reading rachel abrams's essays/review on fall out boy's new album
• Three of your current feelings?-already listed

-no one cares what you're wearing, so be comfy -no one cares about your hair, let it down and shake it out -don't get so uptight about school work. space it out -getting with Cami was a bad idea -just stop giving a fuck honestly fuck it -being yourself makes people like you more -loosen up loosen the fuck up -keep your sadness to yourself and only let it out to those you trust and love and know love you back

• no religion
• no wars, only successful diplomacy
• everyone was vegan (including those implications...)
• there was no evil in the world
• the natural body was accepted and loved and appropriated
• education is free, teachers payed more
• every person without a home is guaranteed a place to stay and a booster to get back on their feet
• all animals that have gone extinct within the past few centuries came back
• everyone had motivation and excitement for living

• once when i was in new york with my friend maxwell we were jumping in an elevator and we got stuck and the fire department came and got us out an hour later
• ??