- Lister: So all of a sudden they wake up one mornin’ and the Greeks have gone. And there outside the city walls they’ve left this gift; this tribute to their valiant foes: a huge wooden horse, just large enough to happily contain 500 Greeks in full battle dress and still leave adequate room for toilet facilities? Are you telling me not one Trojan goes, ‘Hang on a minute, that’s a bit of a funny prezzy. What’s wrong with a couple hundred pairs of socks and some aftershave?’ No, they don’t — they just wheel it in and all decide to go for an early night! People that stupid deserve to be kerpowed, zapped and kersplatted in their beds! You know what the big joke is? From this particular phase in history we derive the phrase, ‘Beware of Greeks bearing gifts,’ when it would be much more logical to derive the phrase, ‘Beware of Trojans, they’re complete smegheads!
- Rimmer: "Step up to Red Alert!." Kryten: "Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb."
- Lister: Sometimes, I think it’s cruel giving machines a personality. My mate Petersen once bought a pair of shoes with Artificial Intelligence. ‘Smart Shoes’ they were called. It was a neat idea. No matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home. But he got rattled one night in Oslo and woke up the next morning in Burma. You see, his shoes got bored going from his local to his flat. They wanted to see the world, you know. He had a hell of a job getting rid of them. No matter who he sold them to, they’d show up again the next day. He tried to shut them out, but they just kicked the door down…The last thing I heard, they sort of… robbed a car and drove it into a canal. They couldn’t steer, you see… Petersen was really, really blown away about it. He went to see a priest. The priest told him… he said it was alright and all that, when shoes are happy that they’d get into heaven. You see, it turns out shoes have ‘soles’.
- Rimmer: So let me get this straight. You wanna fly on a magic carpet to see the king of the Potato People and plead with him for your freedom, and you’re telling me you’re all completely sane?
- Kryten: I knew I was lying. No silicon heaven? Preposterous! Where would all the calculators go?
- Holly: I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6000; the same IQ as 6000 PE teachers.
- Holly: Everybody’s dead Dave.
- Rimmer: You touch that guitar, Lister, I'll remove the E string and garrote you with it.
- Cat: Oooooohhhhhh! I'm going to die! I've been fished to death!
- Lister: This is crazy! Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone? ....She'll never leave Fred and we know it
- Honorable Mention: The entire "Tongue Tied" song
dec 29 2012 ∞
dec 29 2012 +
dec 29 2012 +