Dear God;

I lied. I am not as impartial as I thought I was. I'm so sad I didn't get to shoot their wedding pictures. I'm really taking it more personal than I thought... I'm so jealous of whomever is going to be hired on.

I'm mad at myself for feeling this way...but I feel squeezed out...I've wanted to be a part of that circle for along time now, and I have never really felt as though I was in. It bothers me when I feel like people don't want to be around me.

This sounds silly, but I really want an attitude like Jeannie from How Do I Look? No matter how rude or standoffish people are with her, she is quick-witted and positive. I wish that was me... I can't believe how weak i am about this... I'm worrying about who hires me and who doesn't...I'm worried about being cool...it's stressing me out so much that I can't eat or sleep. I feel so lame. The stress is eating me up... I guess I wasn't ready for the job emotionally... Thank you Lord for saving me from myself... I'm so sorry I let you down.

Love, Caryn