• A band is cool if it is unpopular. They will remain cool until some yuppie says 'they're cool'.
• A popular band is actually not cool until approximately 25 years later.
• If people are buying a band's records then the band automatically sucks.
• Similarly, if more than 10 people turn up to a gig then it's time to get out of there.
• It is absolutely okay to like a terrible artist provided you are doing so with your tongue pressed firmly into your cheek.
  • But you should never admit that. Don't worry, other Indie kids will know what you're doing.
• Underground bands are what you want to be listening to. But don't ever mention them. Not EVER. An underground band is only underground if they don't get talked about.
• Then, here are the bands that fall into the hazy region between underground and mainstream. They used to fall into the previous catagory but some IDIOT (not you, 'cuse you know better) blabbed about them. The ones that the Indie yuppies like because they heard them on Zane Lowe's show or they read about them on Pitchfork. You can't like them. The reason you cannot like these bands is; they are not bad enough for it to be obvious you're being ironic but they're not underground so you can't genuinely like them anyway. But don't bitch about them selling out, just move on.
• Don't wear band t-shirts unless they are of the aforementioned ironic variety.
• Don't listen to or read any music journalism.
• Always favour the more obscure album. Example; "Yeah, Nevermind was good but I preferred Incesticide." Of course now you can't use that exact example because that usage right there rendered Incesticide uncool. My bad.
• Don't take photos at gigs.
• Don't dance at gigs.
• Don't buy merch at gigs.
• Don't shop in Top Shop else people might think you're a yuppie.
• To summarise, there are definite "don't"s. As for "do"s, as long as you are being ironic pretty much anything else is okay.

Based upon my experiences as an Indie teenager trawling the scummiest venues in Scotland for underground music. I can't say which venues or what music, for obvious reasons. But I distinctly remember feeling a certain superiority when I compared myself to anyone else on the planet. A short time later I thought "what a load of bullshit this all is."