- Season 1:
- Episode 2
- "..I had the fuzzy clock and it didn't purr on time."
- "Can you tell me where we can find the best antiques?" / "At your house, I'd guess."
- Episode 3
- "You can use your mother's old golf clubs. They're upstairs gathering dust along with the rest of her potential."
- Episode 5
- "You had clams at Al's?" / "Al's Pancake World?" / "Yeah, well we had a coupon."
- "I'm attracted to pie. It doesn't mean I feel the need to date pie."
- "I don't leave messages. If I wanted to talk to a machine I'd talk to my VCR."
- "Hold on. I'm looking up aneurysm in our medical dictionary to see if I just had one."
- "I have a big day tomorrow, Mom." / "Oh, what? You're going to a raccoon's wedding?"
- Episode 10
- "..the baby Jesus is missing an arm again."
- "Rainbows, unicorns, clowns, little cute...furry - okay I’m out."
- Episode 11
- "Well I tried to call it 'Al' but it would only answer to 'mistake'."
- Episode 12
- "Thank you, thank you, thank you. You will not regret this." / "Pick another phrase." / "You will not have to pay." / "Much better."
- Episode 17
- "Sunday’s the day of rest." / "No, Saturday is the day of pre-rest." / "Pre-rest?" / "Yeah, so that way when you actually get to Sunday you’re rested enough to enjoy your rest."
- Episode 19
- "Can I ask you a question?" / "Yes, I would date Steven Tyler." / "Can I ask you a question whose answer wouldn't horrify me?"
- Episode 21
- "..I have studied and talked a great literature all my life and those stories are replete with characters that let opportunities slip by. But what I teach is more than just literature; it's lessons in life. And if I don't follow the tenets of those lessons, I'm not the man I thought I was. The man I want to be."
- Season 2:
- Episode 1
- "I thought I heard her bark."
- Episode 3
- "Our house is burning down, and you can save the cake or me. What do you choose?" / "Well that's not fair. The cake doesn't have legs."
- Episode 4
- "I think we just found the first room in the history of the world that would've made Liberace say 'Whoa. Step back. No one's that gay.'"
- Episode 10
- "I thought an alarm would go off like in The Thomas Crown Affair." / "That would be if this was a museum, and you were a man allowed in museums."
- Episode 13
- "I don’t know where my quarters go." / "Down some guy’s g-string, I would expect." / "Oh no, a quarter would be insulting."
- Episode 17
- "Late again, are we?" / "Yes, I hope I’m not pregnant!"
- Episode 22
- "Oy with the poodles already."
- Season 3:
- Episode 1
- "I just. . .I feel like I’m never gonna have it. . .the whole package, you know? That person, that couple life, and I swear, I hate admitting it because I fancy myself Wonder Woman, but. . .I really want it – the whole package."
- Episode 2
- "Just once I’d like to be able to say, 'Yeah, I’m not feeling so good, my leg is haunted.'"
- "..I think you might be the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen..outside of a really filthy magazine."
- "'Hello Headmaster Charleston, this is my stepfather Kirk. Please don’t make any sudden movements, he’s a fear biter.'"
- Episode 5
- "Oh, Dwight, please, you are on a business trip – get a hooker."
- Episode 6
- "I’d rather have bird crap fall on my head." / "There it is – our new town slogan."
- "Well, I can guarantee that God does not want this either." / "Did you hear that, David? Taylor Doose is in direct communication with God."
- "Jess, are you a gigolo?"
- Season 4:
- Season 5:
- Episode 3
- "This great man was not brought down by my vagina."
- Episode 4
- "Kirk, sit down." / "Can't. These aren't my pants."
- Episode 8
- "She said the fries are the devil's starchy fingers."
- "Once the Barefoot Contessa was making a souffle and it fell; she looked at the TV and said, 'Gilmore, was that you?'"
- Episode 10
- "You have no right to be repulsed by my sex life."
- Episode 11
- "I'm surprised you see such adult fare, Reverend." / "Why, do you picture me watching Sound of Music every night, Taylor? Gag me."
- Episode 13
- "When a woman gives birth to a crack baby, you do not buy her a puppy."
- "Special? Like stop-eating-the-paste special?"
- Episode 17
- "I had an imaginary girlfriend for a while, but she left me."
- "Well, I'm not Jackson's cousin; I have all my chromosomes."
- "You're breaking up, the house is going through a tunnel..."
- Episode 18
- Season 6:
- Episode 1
- "Lorelai, you scared me half to death!" / "Yeah, well, follow-through; it's always been my problem."
- Episode 2
- "Cause I'm going in the Yellow Pages and I wanna be up at the top. 'T' puts me after everything except U, V, W, X, Y, Z and I think a few others."
- Episode 3
- "I am committed, and you should be."
- "You can all kiss any part of me that reaches your general vicinity first."
- Episode 4
- "Still engaged, darling? Well, I am, too, but I'm not going to say in what."
- "They are moochers. They go to supermarkets hoping to gorge themselves on free samples and get their perfume from magazine inserts. You can recognize them from the paper cuts on their wrists."
- "You look nice today, Kirk." / "Thanks! This is the suit they buried my dad in."
- "He said, 'Do you renounce Satan?', and you paused. That's not something you pause about."
- Episode 5
- "What is pubic speaking?" / "I'm hoping it's a misprint."
- "You were a two-bit gold digger, fresh off the bus from Hicksville when you met Mitchum at whatever bar you happened to stumble into. And what made Mitchum decide to choose you to marry amongst the pack of women he was bedding at the time, I'll never know. But hats off to you for bagging him. He's still a playboy, you know? Well, of course you know. That would explain why your weight goes up and down 30 pounds every other month. But that's your cross to bear. But these are ugly realities. No one needs to talk about them. Those kids are staying together for as long as they like. You won't stop them. Now, enjoy the event."
- Episode 6
- "Bunions are okay. They're sort of onions mixed with buns, and that's sort of appetizing if you don't think too hard."
- "From 1768, something flavorful: Crusty Bulge."
- Episode 7
- "Impossible girl." / "My native American name, I believe."
- "Here, Paul Anka. Mommy's got your broccoli."
- "Luke's a big guy, so he needs big-guy sausage."
- Episode 8
- "Luger's wife caught him at that motel with the transv..sistor radio, and, uh, he retired honorably."
- "What about that Vito Morgenstern?"
- Episode 11
- "If you need some love, get a hooker."
- "Now let's talk about deadlines, emphasis on 'dead'."
- Episode 12
- "I don't know who Harry and David are, but they sure do know how to grow a pear."
- Episode 13
- "Fairy wings smell like a different part of the fairy, if you know what I mean."
- "Oh he's totally fine having his freedom slowly stripped away as long as he's completely unaware that it's happening, just like a true American."
- "Did I tell you about Tilly's new face-lift? Scotch tape!"
- Episode 14
- "Maybe from now on, my cousin Gert can do our accounting. She's got her own calculator."
- Episode 16
- " I want to get the healthy glow of someone who consistently goes to the gym...without having to go to the gym of course."
- "And just remember if things don't go well, we will stop loving you."
- Episode 21
- "Everyone knows ugly men make the best doctors."
- "As I was flying in, I swear I saw one of the heads on Mount Rushmore yawn."
- Season 7:
- Episode 1
- "She has such potential." / "Well so did Charles Manson."
- "I can scare the stupid out of you, but the lazy runs deep."
aug 4 2015 ∞
aug 15 2016 +