WORK

• Are you working on your chosen field?
• How many hours a week do you work?
• What does your job entail? (For example, do you often travel for business, work at home, performs dangerous tasks?)
• What is your dream job?
• Have you ever been called a workaholic?
• What is your retirement plan? What do you plan to do when you stop working?
• Have you ever been fired?
• Have you ever quit a job suddenly? Have you changed jobs a lot?
• Do you consider your work a career or just a job?
• Has your work ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

HOME

• If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
• Do you prefer urban, suburban, or rural settings?
• Is it important to have your own private home, or do you prefer apartment or condo living, with a managementcompany responsible for the maintenance? Are you a do-it yourselfer, or would you rather hire professionals? Do you prefer to clean your own home or hire a housekeeper?
• Do you think of your home as a cocoon, or is your door always open? What do you need to feel energized and inspired in your home?
• Is quiet important in your home, or do you prefer having music or some background noise most of the time? Is it important to have a TV in the bedroom? Living room? Kitchen? Do you like to sleep with the TV or radio on?
• How important is it for you to have a space in your home that is yours alone?
• Have differences about home style ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
• If you had unlimited resources, how would you live?
• How important is it for you to make a lot of money?
• What is your annual income?
• Do you pay alimony or child support?
• Do you believe in prenuptial agreements? Under what circumstances?
• Do you believe in establishing a family budget?
• Should individuals within a marriage have separate bank accounts in addition to joint accounts? Do you feel that bills should be divided based on a percentage of each person's salary?
• Who should handle the finances in your family?
• Do you have significant debts?
• Do you gamble?
• Did you have a paying job when you were in high school? Before high school?
• Have you ever been called cheap or stingy?
• Do you believe that a certain amount of money should be set aside for pleasure, even if you�re on a tight budget?
• Have you ever used money as a way of controlling a relationship? Has anyone ever tried to control you with money?
• Has money ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

RELATIONSHIP HISTORY

• Have you ever felt deeply insecure in a relationship? Were you able to name your fear?
• When was the first time you felt that you were in love with another person? What happened in that relationship, and how have you come to terms with it?
• What is the longest relationship you have ever had prior to this one? Why did it end, and what lesson did you learn?
• Have you ever been married? If so, are you divorced or widowed? How do you think you handled the loss?
• If you have a current partner, do they know of behaviors that you exhibited in your previous relationship that you�re not proud of?
• Do you believe that past relationships should be left in thepast and not talked about in your current relationship?
• Do you tend to judge current partners on past relationships?
• Have you ever sought marriage counseling? What did the experience teach you?
• Do you have children from previous marriages or non-marital relationships? What is your relationship with them? How do you see your relationship with them in the future?
• Have you ever been engaged to be married but didn�t go through with the wedding?
• Have you ever had a live-in partner? Why did you choose to live together instead of marrying? What did your experience teach you about the importance of marriage and about commitment?
• Do you harbor fears that the person you love might reject you or fail out of love with you?

SEX

• What sexual activities do you enjoy the most? Are there specific sexual acts that make you uncomfortable? Be specific! This is no time to hedge.
• Do you feel comfortable initiating sex? If yes, why? If no, why?
• What do you need in order to be in the mood for sex?
• Have you ever been sexually abused or assaulted?
• What was the attitude toward sex in your family? Was it talked about? Who taught you about sex?
• Do you use sex to self-medicate? If something upsets you, do you use sex to try and help you feel better?
• Have you ever felt forced to have sex to �keep the peace�? Have you ever forced someone or been told that you forced someone to have sex with you to �keep the peace�?
• Is sexual fidelity an absolute necessity in a good marriage?
• Do you enjoy viewing pornography?
• How often do you need or expect sex?
• Have you ever asexual relationship with a person of the same sex?
• Has sexual dissatisfaction ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

HEALTH

• How would you describe the current state of your health?
• Have you ever had a serious illness? Have you ever had surgery?
• Do you believe it is a sacred responsibility to take care of yourself? Do you believe that taking care of your physical and mental health is a part of honoring your marriage vows?
• Are there genetic diseases in your family or a history of cancer, heart disease, or chronic illness?
• Do you have health insurance? Dental insurance?
• Do you belong to a gym? If so, how much time do you spend at the gym every week?
• Do you play sports or take exercise classes?
• Have you ever been in a physically or emotionallyabusive relationship?
• Have you ever suffered from an eating disorder?
• Have you ever been in a serious accident?
• Do you take medication?
• Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease?
• Have you ever been treated for a mental disorder?
• Do you see a therapist?
• Do you smoke, or have you ever smoked?
• Do you consider yourself an addictive personality, and have you ever suffered from an addiction? Have you ever been told you have an addiction problem, even though you might disagree?
• How much alcohol do you drink every week?
• Do you use recreational drugs?
• Do you have a medical problem that impacts your ability to have a satisfying sex life (for example, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, vaginal dryness, drug/alcohol addiction, etc)?
• Have any of these health problems ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

APPEARANCE

• How important is it that you always look your best?
• How important is your spouse�s appearance? Do you have strong preferences about being with a particular physical �type�?
• Are there cosmetic procedures that you regularly undergo?
• Is weight control important to you? Is your spouse�s weight important to you? What would your reaction be if your partner were to gain a significant amount of weight?
• How much money do you spend on clothing every year?
• Do you worry about getting old? Do you worry about losing your looks?
• What do you like and dislike about your appearance? When you were a child, were you often complimented or shamed aboutyour looks?
• What would your reaction be ifyour spouse lost a limb? A breast? How would you handle this loss?
• Do you feel that you can have good chemistry with someone who is moderately physically attractive to you, or is a strong physical attraction necessary? Has physical appearance or �chemistry� ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

 

PARENTHOOD

• Do you want children? When? How many? Are you unable to have children?
• Would you feel unfulfilled if you were unable to have children?
• Who is responsible for birth control? What would you do if there were an accidental pregnancy before you planned to have children?
• What is your view of fertility treatments? Adoption? Would you adopt if you were unable to have a child naturally?
• What is your view of abortion? Should a husband have an equal say in whether his wifehas an abortion? Have you ever had an abortion?
• Have you ever given birth to a child or fathered a child who was put up for adoption?
• How important is it to you that your children are raised near your extended family?
• Do you believe that a good mother will want to breast-feed her baby? Do you believe a mother or father should stay at home with a child during the first six months of life? The first year? Longer?
• Do you believe in spanking a child? What type of discipline do you believe in (time-out, standing in the corner, taking away privileges, etc.)?
• Do you believe that children have rights? Do you feel that a child�s opinion should be considered when making family and life decisions, such as moving or changing schools?
• Do you believe that children should be raised with somereligious or spiritual foundation?
• Should boys be treated the same as girls? Should they have the same rules for conduct? Should you have the same expectations for their sexual behavior?
• Would you put your teenage daughter on birth control if you knew that she was sexually active?
• How would you handle it if you didn�t like your child�s friends?
• Would you put your teenage daughter on birth control if you knew that she was sexually active?
• How would you handle it if you didn't like your child's friends?
• In a blended family; should birth parents be in charge of making decisions for their own children?
• Would you ever consider getting a vasectomy or having your tubes tied? Do you believe it�s your choice, or does your partner have a say?
• Have differences concerningconception or child-raising ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

 

EXTENDED FAMILIES

• Are you close to your family?
• Are you or have you ever been alienated from your family?
• Do you have a difficult time setting limits with family?
• Have you identified the childhood wound that may have sabotaged your relationships in the past�the deeply imprinted fear that made you want to escape? How were you most hurt in your family; and who hurt you?
• How important is it that you and your partner be on good terms with each other�s families?
• How did your parents settle conflicts when you were a child? Do people in your family carry long-term grudges?
• How much influence do your parents still have over your decisions?
• Have unresolved or ongoing family issuesever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

FRIENDS

• Do you have a �best friend�?
• Do you see a close friend or friends at least once a week? Do you speak to any of your friends on the phone every day?
• Are your friendships as Important to you as your life partner is?
• If your friends need you, are you there for them?
• Is it important to you for your partner to accept and like your friends?
• Is it important that you and your partner have friends in common?
• Do you have a difficult time setting limits with friends?
• Has a partner ever been responsible for breaking up a friendship? Have friends ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

 

PETS

• Are you an animal lover?
• Do you have a dog, cat, or other beloved pet?
• Is your attitude �Love me, love my dog [cat; potbellied pig]?�
• Have you ever been physically aggressive with an animal? Have you deliberately hurt an animal?
• Do you believe a person should give up his or her pet if it interferes with the relationship?
• Do you consider pets members of your family?
• Have you ever been jealous of a partner�s relationship with a pet?
• Have disagreements about pets ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

  POLITICS

• Do you consider yourself liberal, moderate, or conservatives, or do you reject political labels? What was the attitude in your family about political involvement and social action?
• Do you belong to a political party? Are you actively involved?
• Did you vote in the last presidential election? Congressional election? Local election?
• Do you believe that two people of differing political ideologies can have a successful marriage?
• Do you believe that the political system is skewed against people of color, poor people, and the disenfranchised?
• Which political issues do you care about? (For example, equality national security, privacy, the environment, the budget; women�s rights, gay rights, human rights, etc.).
• Has politics ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

COMMUNITY

• Is it important for you to be involved in your local community?
• Do you like having a close relationship with your neighbors? For example, would you give a neighbor a spare key to your home?
• Do you regularly participate in community projects?
• Do you believe that good fences make good neighbors?
• Have you ever had a serious dispute with a neighbor?
• Do you take pains to be considerate of your neighbors (for example, keeping a lid on loud music, barking dogs, etc.)?

CHARITY

• How important is it to you to contribute time or money to charity?
• Which kind of charities do youlike to support? How much of your annual income do you donate to charity?
• Do you feel that it is the responsibility of the �haves� of the world to help the �have-nots�?
• Have attitudes about charitable contributions ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

MILITARY

• Have you served in the military?
• Have your parents or other relatives served in the military?
• Would you want your children to serve in the military?
• Do you personally identify more with a nonviolent approach, or with making change through military force and action?
• Has military service or attitudes about military service ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

THE LAW

• Do you consider yourself a law-abiding person?
• Have you ever committed a crime? If yes, what was it?
• Have you ever been arrested? If yes, for what?
• Have you ever been in jail? If yes, why?
• Have you ever been involved in a legal action or lawsuit? If yes, what were the circumstances?
• Have you ever been the victim of a violent crime? If yes, describe what happened.
• Do you believe it�s important to be rigorously honest when you pay taxes?
• Have you ever failed to pay child support? If so, why?
• Have legal or criminal issues ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

MEDIA

• Where do you get your news (for example, TV news programs, radio, newspapers, newsmagazines, the Internet, friends)?
• Do you believe what you read and see in the news, or do you question where information is coming from and what the true agenda is?
• Do you seek out media with diverse perspectives on the news?
• Have media differences ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

RELIGION

• Do you believe in God? What does that mean to you?
• Do you have a current religious affiliation? Is it a big part of your life?
• When you were growing up, did your family belong to a church, synagogue, temple, or mosque?
• Do you currently practice a different religion from the one in which you were raised?
• Do you believe in life after death?
• Does your religion impose any behavioral restrictions (dietary, social, familial, sexual) that would affect your partner?
• Do you consider yourself a religious person? A spiritual your partner? How important is it to you that you and yourpartner enjoy the same leisure activities?
• How much money do you regularly spend on leisure activities?
• Do you enjoy activities that might make your partner uncomfortable, such as hanging out in bars drinking, going to strip clubs, or gambling?
• Have leisure time issues ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
• Do you enjoy entertaining, or do you worry that you�ll do something wrong or people won�t have a good time?
• Is it important for you to attend social events regularly, or does the prospect rarely appeal to you?
• Do you look forward to at least one night out every week, or do you prefer to enjoy yourself at home?
• Does your work involve attending social functions? If so, are these occasions a burden or a pleasure? Do you expect your spouse to be present, or do you prefer that your spouse not be present?
• Do you socialize primarily with people from work, or with people from the same ethnic/racial/religious/ socioeconomic background? Or do you socialize with a diverse mix of people?
• Are you usually the �life of the party," or do you dislike being singled out for attention?
• Have you or a partner ever had an argument caused by one or the other�s behavior at a social function?
• Have differences about socializing ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

HOLIDAY AND BIRTHDAYS

• Which (if any holidays do you believe are the most important to celebrate?
• Do you maintain a family tradition around certain holidays?
• How important are birthday celebrations to you? Anniversaries?
• Have differences about holidays/birthdays ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

TRAVEL / VACATIONS

• Do you enjoy traveling, or are you a homebody?
• Are vacation getaways an important part of your yearly planning?
• How much of your annual income do you designate for vacation and travel expenses?
• Do you have favorite vacation destinations? Do you believe it's wasteful to spend money on vacations to distant places?
• Do you think it's important to have a passport? To speak a foreign language?
• Have disputes about travel and vacation ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

EDUCATION

• What is your level of formal education? Is your education a source of pride or shame?
• Do you regularly sign up for courses that interest you, or enroll in advanced-learning programs that will help you in your career or profession?
• Do you think that college graduates are smarter than people who didn�t attend college? Have disparities in education ever been a source of tension for you in a relationship, or ended a relationship?
• How do you feel about private school education for children? Do you have a limit on how much you would be willing to invest in private school education?
• Have education levels or priorities ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

TRANSPORTATION

• Do you own or lease a car? Would you ever consider not having a car?
• Is the year, make, and model of the car you drive important to you? Is your car your �castle�?
• Are fuel efficiency and environmental protection factors when you choose a car?
• Given the availability of reliable public transportation, would you prefer not to drive a car at all?
• How much time do you spend maintaining and caring for your vehicle? Are you reluctant to let others drive your car?
• How long is your daily commute? Is it by bus, train, car, or carpool?
• Do you consider yourself a good driver? Have you ever received a speeding ticket?
• Have cars or driving ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

COMMUNICATION

• How much time do you spend on the phone every day?
• Do you have a cell phone? A BlackBerry?
• Do you belong to any Internet chat groups? Do you spend significant time each day writing c-mails?
• Do you have an unlisted telephone number? If yes, why?
• Do you consider yourself a communicator or a private person?
• What are the circumstances under which you would not answer the telephone, cell phone, or BlackBerry?
• Has modem communication ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

MEALTIME

• Do you like to eat most of your meals sitting at the table, or do you tend to eat on the run?
• Do you love to cook? Do you love to eat? 232. When you were growing up, was it important that everybody be present for dinner?
• Do you follow a specific diet regimen that limits your food choices? Do you expect others in your household to adhere to certain dietary restrictions?
• In your family is food ever used as a bribe or a proof of love?
• Has eating ever been a source of shame for you?
• Have eating and food ever been a source of tension and stress in a relationship? Have they ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

GENDER ROLE

• Are there household responsibilities you believe to be the sole domain of a man or a woman? Why do you believe this?
• Do you believe that marriages are stronger if a woman defers to her husband in most areas? Do you need to feel either in control or taken care of?
• How important is equality in a marriage? Define what you mean by �equality.�
• Do you believe that roles in your family should be filled by the person best equipped for the job, even if it is an unconventional arrangement?
• How did your family view the roles of girls and boys, men and women? In your family; could anyone do any job as long as it got done well?
• Have different ideas about gender roles ever been a source of tension for you in a relationship, or the cause of a breakup?

RACE, ETHNICITY, AND DIFFERENCES

• What did you learn about race and ethnic differences as a child?
• Which of those beliefs from childhood do you still carry; and which have you shed?
• Does your work environment look more like the United Nations, or like a mirror of yourself? How about your personal life?
• How would you feel if your child dated someone of a different race or ethnicity? The same gender? How would you feel if he or she married this person?
• Are you aware of your own biases regarding race and ethnicity? What are they? Where did they come from? (We aren�t born biased, we learn it, and it�s important to trace where it was learned.)
• Have race, ethnicity, and differences ever been a source of tension and stress for you in a relationship?
• What were your family�s views of race, ethnicity, and difference?
• Is it important to you that your partner shares your vision of race, ethnicity, and difference?
• Have different ideas about race, ethnicity~ and difference ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

LIVING EVERY DAY

• Would you consider yourself a morning person or a night person?
• Do you judge people who have a different waking and sleeping clock than you?
• Are you a physically affectionate person?
• What is your favorite season of the year?
• When you disagree with your partner, do you tend to fight or withdraw?
• What is your idea of a fair division of labor in your household?
• Do you consider yourself an easygoing person, or are you most comfortable with a firm plan of action?
• How much sleep do you need every night?
• Do you like to be freshly showered and wearing clean clothes every day, even on weekends or vacations?
• What is your idea of perfect relaxation?
• What makes you really angry? What do you do when you�re really angry?
• What makes you most joyful? What do you do when you are joyful?
• What makes you most insecure? How do you handle your insecurities?
• What makes you most secure?
• Do you fight fair? How do you know?
• How do you celebrate when something great happens? How do you mourn when something tragic happens?
• What is your greatest limitation?
• What is your greatest strength?
• What most stands in the way of your creating a passionate and caring marriage?
• What do you need to do today to move toward making your dream marriage a reality?
• What makes you most afraid?
• What drains you of your joy and passion?
• What replenishes your mind, body, and spirit?
• What makes your heart smile in tough times?
• What makes you feel the most alive?