Hey, how are you?

today is the day i took my thesis defense. I dont feel good about it at all. I feel stupid. i still managed to answer the questions but, i feel like an idiot in front of them.

you know, in this whirlwind of a mess i call life, sometimes it was easy to accept. to accept me the way i am. to accept this is me and i dont mind with that. and then that confidence shattered like glasses so easy. and at days like that, which is rn, suddenly acceptance is a shady little thing that doesnt even exist.

i try to feed my mind with so many rational things yet the insecurity doesnt even budge. i think so little of myself, "god i was so stupid", "god what an idiot i am". sweetheart, im just trying to tell you as a third person okay. i dont care if youre listening rn or not but please take yourself easy. no one is perfect. human wasnt born with that in their sleeve. okay maybe you call yourself a ridiculous useless idiot who brings nothing but burden, but do you realize that if you side yourself with them, theres a year gap between your bridge and theirs?

petals, none was born genius. its all a process. you said yourself life is a process.. they know more about this field of study because they study it earlier than you. and if youre stupid by now and it totally fine. days is still young, you can nourish yourself to match the batch.

see? maybe its hard for you to accept who youre rn, but then the choice is always yours. that its your choice to stay like this or to dig deeper and sculpt yourself a lil bit better by studying. and even rats call out that study isnt important then fuck them. THIS is for you, not them. if you wanna be better than be wise, choose your choice and be brave and bear it.


pain exist so that you wouldnt live in the the dream forever. its hurts, i know. but life needs to teach you a lesson. and if it has to go the hard way because seeing how stubbor and hard-headed youre can be, then so be it.

expert was born because they make mistakes. the novice doesnt succeed because he faces the hardship and failure lesser than his professor.

i love you yknow. always. but dont abandon yourself like this, pumpkin. you promise do ya? and please stop thinking that youre a burden. it seems like it NOW i god to the fucking KNOW. but this will be temporary. promise me its only temporary. were a team arent we? youre more than what you realize youre. its tiring to face so many pain but it will pass. always will

jul 26 2019 ∞
jul 26 2019 +