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I'm Amanda. I'm 19. I tend to like things. I especially like making lists about myself, other people and my viewpoints. I also like animals, feeling safe, remembering things and looking at / taking pictures. Some things I DON'T like include math, vomit, conflict and post-traumatic stress disorder.

Listography is probably my second-favourite website, after Livejournal. I reveal more of myself o...

bookmarks:
listography + NEW JOURNAL +
MESSAGES
F.A.Q.
secretowl kids (To Do with chilluns)
furiousrose books (Books I've read)
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  • Open communication. I may be good with intuition, and / or I may understand you very well; but I'd rather talk things out and be sure of my instincts than have to run off things that could very well just be ideas. I need someone who is perfectly fine with just talking things out, without judging me or feeling annoyed by it - and, more to the point, understands that I need this in order to be confident with my ability to deal with things again. Who knows that, by holding back because talking about it might get me to "explode" or will break me more, they are doing something very wrong, something that is very hurtful and negative to me. (Basically, talking about things will help me get better) I need someone who will also ask ME questions if they aren't sure.
  • Who understands that talking about things will help me get better. (I need to write it again).
  • Trust. I need to be able to trust the person I am with (or my friend). I have never been in a romantic relationship where there has been trust.
  • Who understands that sex is a very, very big deal for me. I have been sexually abused, and I've been in a relationship where my partner was sexually abusive. To me, sex is the ultimate, most romantic thing that can happen between two people - there is no casual sex. Sex scares me, because all of my sexual experiences have been traumatic and have ended with a fight, violence, or a feeling of shame and despair. I need to trust someone whole-heartedly, and be able to talk to them about it, before I have sex with them. It's a huge deal for me. It will take time.
  • Someone who understands that I have been in an abusive relationship. It will take time to recover. It's been about 13 months since I lost saw him, and I am still not over it. I am still not over it.
  • Keeping things simple. Please, please, do not complicate things. (This can be greatly helped by the communication thing).
  • Who understands my need to joke around. During fights with my friends, because I can't handle conflict, we often have side-conversations going. So we'll be arguing about, like, me being selfish, but we'll also be having sidenotes of "What the Hell is that feathery pen on your desk?" or "Why did she wear that dress?" to keep it from becoming too intense. We've been doing this for years and years, even before I went through what I went through.
  • No drama. See above, first of all. But don't... just don't make things more intense than they need to be.
  • Who understands that I have BEEN there. I understand.
  • Who is proud that I've come so far. Who is proud of ME.
  • Who knows that when I love, I always love.
  • Who doesn't take advantage of the gifts I give as often as I can, but still accepts them.
  • Someone who can show me how to really be in a real relationship... without as much pain and frustration, defensive anger and sadness that I've known
  • Someone who loves me enough to never cheat on me... I've been through enough of that, too.
  • I don't know everything. My intuition can be pretty on-the-ball for some things, but don't treat me like everything that I say is absolute... after being in a relationship like that, where I thought that he was this all-knowing, super-intelligent GOD or something, it is absolutely horrifying for me to have that kind of power over another human being. (Trust me, I've met people who have treated me like this. I HATE it.)
  • I'm able to look up to you. I admire you and respect you. This has gotten me into a lot of trouble in the past, so maybe I should give up on it - but I won't yet. I want to be with someone who can point me in the right direction, and who can help me build my self-esteem / sense of self-worth. I sometimes need a moral compass. I need someone who does the right thing as often as he can.
  • Some perspective. Someone who actually strives to understand things, like I do, before judging someone - or, if they're already judging them, tries to understand it anyway... in case they end up changing their mind.
  • Someone who is brave and can handle me at my worst and best.
  • Someone who is brave and can ACCEPT me at my worst and best.
  • Someone who won't let me humiliate myself in public and, in turn, won't publicly humiliate me.
  • Someone who can talk about deep things, because I am (or try to be) a deep thinker.
  • Someone who has confidence that I'll get better.
  • Gentleness. I've dated and been interested in a lot of guys who were really harsh, or threatening, or have made gestures that were worrisome and overwhelming. I need to be with someone who is... gentler than that. Who is respectful enough of me to not do the above things.
  • Don't be in love with someone else. I know that this is sometimes a lot to ask. But I just... want someone to care about only ME for once... I don't want there to be a constant, looming possibility of LOSING you!
mar 2 2011 ∞
jan 4 2012 +