i'd rather go mad and burn in hell for all eternity, burn me, your feeble excuse for a soul won't survive the stench. there's a hell in my brain, misaligned networks and malfunctioning neurons, & sometimes it feels like my mind is more disordered than i am, more diseased than any semblance of innate self-preservation, & since birth my mind has been lost in a deep self-destruction. when my body is not whole, the best i can hope for is to go home. it's hard to love a body that doesn't know how to love you. i'm trying to remember that it's not impossible. i'm trying to remember to take my medication. i'm trying to forget how easy it is to rot alone in my bedroom while my life passes me by. i am haunted by a life i once lived-a life i miss-a life i know i can't have-a life i can barely remember-a life i want to forget. i know this life will be beautiful too, but i need time to sit at my grave, will you sit with me? can you hold me? will you hold me? when you're okay with not being whole, you'll learn to go home i have to leave someday, and as much as i miss this life, i want to leave. it wasn't always like this; it won't always be like this.