“a non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity.”

• january ⋆ my new year's eve was very melancholic and disastrous; most of my coworkers are moving to another industrial site, that's a little sad; i'm back to journaling! yesterday i finished two pages and a half, i'm so happy; pedro pascal didn't won golden globes for best actor in a drama series, i'm so pissed; i really, really miss my sweetheart hayden christensen; sometimes i wish i had the courage to run away & take my mom with me; i found a very cool website called “status.cafe” & guess what? i did coding! yes, i literally had to mess around with coding to do my profile. it was so fun, but very stressful though; my closest colleague at work is going to work during morning, while i'll be stuck alone during afternoon. i'm a little bit sad; i went back to watching boruto a few days ago and i'm already obsessed with it again, damn; half the time i don't want to go to work because i'm too sleepy to wake up and start my day; i really should be more mindful of my sleeping schedule, going to bed too late is killing me; i love 80's songs so much, oh my god?!; why do i always come back from work with scratches & bruises on my hands? damn it; we just found a baby bird on our living room! we gave it water & tried to feed him a little. poor little thing, i hope it find its way home; i, also, went back to watching pucca. it was my favorite cartoon back then when i was a little girl. i love garu so much! he's so cute & adorable. my cutie patootie baby; i've been trying to create my own website on neocities, but i know nothing about coding! this is so frustrating, uggh!; mikael said it'll be only the two of us at the office, i really hope it's true because i love working there so freaking much; i still am not able to create a cool neocities site, but, i found bear blog! where i'll be able to journal online! i'm so excited to create one for myself.
• february ⋆ there's a reason why i hate people & always push them away from me. i'm tired of being treated like this; it's not my mom's birthday yet, but i already bought her gifts! it was a perfume, a stanley cup & a cute bag. i'm so happy i was able to bought her something! she deserves everything good!; mom took time off from work, yey! i'm so happy i'll see her more often now; i just finish watching la sociedad de la nieve, i'm truly devasted. i have no words for this beautiful movie; i'm a little hesitant & shy about admiting it, it's not something sure, but i think i'm in love with enzo vogrincic; i'm exhausted, truly drained. my will to live is slowly slipping away; i cleaned my room today, i'm all happy!; i mean, i don't want a boyfriend. but why can't i date a pretty boy like enzo vogrincic? is it too much to ask? to have a cutie like him loving me endlessly?; i'm having another depressive episode, everything is a mess. i just wish i could runaway, or disappear; february 13, it's mom's birthday! i wish her the happiest of birthdays! she's the love of my life; we traveled to são paulo, i saw my grandma and i finally had the opportunity to talk to her about things i've been holding in for too long. i'm happy i have her in my life; i had another sleeping paralysis. it was fucking terrifying; we stopped at the beach for a little while, i dipped my feet in the water & collected some stones for my new brand collection.
• march ⋆ i messaged my boss about changing my turn to morning since i've been going to work alone all week. i'm praying to god he changes me, it's a little scary being by myself; i already bought pamela's & evellyn's gifts for their birthday! i can't wait to give it to them, i really hope they like it; i, too, bought a new phone! and it's purple, so freaking cute!; cleaned my room & organized things a little bit different. also, i set up my new phone. it was very tiring & stressful, but now everything is at its place!; it's international women's day, so a coworker gifted me chocolate at work, i'm so happy!; i finally finished reading brotherhood. i'm overwhelmed by all the information. it's definitely my favorite star wars book; i can't bear the summer anymore, i despise it so much. i hate sweating all day and having no energy to do my chores, arrgh!; i finally participated in my first work's event today. it was so cool! we had a lecture about woman's day & i won a pink shirt that says "mulheres na automotiva". i'm so happy i'm being able to do things like that, you know? being more open, even if i'm still very anxious about going out of my comfort zone; our new manager looks so much like barry sloane (the actor that plays captain john price in call of duty). i'm a little ashamed to admit that i couldn't stop looking at him the whole time; this friday i won't work because it's a holiday (i'm not sure but i think it's sexta-feira santa), so that means i'll be home for four days. i'm so freaking happy!; received a very positive feedback at work today, i'm so proud of all the effort i'm putting in it. i really, really hope it keeps that way; great news! i gathered some courage to start writing on my new journal. i already have one to write about my favorite actors, fictional characters and etcetera, this one will be specifically to write about little thoughts i have through the days.
• april ⋆ me & mom cooked "ovo de colher" for the easter. it's so delicious! i think i'm dying from so much sugar on my system, haha; i have a suspicion that the universe really hates me and want to left me lonely & touch starved for people's affection, there is no other explanation. i'm really, really tired of everything. when i'm finally trying, every negative thing happens to me. what did i do at all?; another close coworker is moving to another industrial site, why is everyone going away? why do i have to be left behind all by myself? i just want to be with people i feel comfortable with, this isn't fair! i can't handle change; i've been praised so much lately at work. i know it is good & i'm receiving it because i've been doing a good job, but it makes me kinda uncomfortable? i think it's because i'm afraid to disappoint people; i'm building my first ever lego! it's astronaut snoopy, so freaking cute! i didn't finished it yet, so i'm really excited to see how it'll go; so, after two years since its realease i decided to watch the batman (2022) & now i'm obsessed with robert pattinson's bruce wayne. he's oh, so charming and so miserable. i want to chase his nightmares away with my kisses. he deserves to be loved; guess what? we have a new family member! it's a puppy we named "luna", she's so adorable, i'm happy with her addition to our little precious circle; i discovered the existence of another long haired, big brown eyed, nerdy character. at this point i'm collecting then like pokémons, but i can't help myself. they're so lovable, how could i not fall completely and utterly in love with them? (and, yes. this is about my sweetheart spencer reid).
• may ⋆ welcome, may! the month i was born; we went on a little trip to paraguay on the holiday and i bought so many things! i'm super excited because this time i finally choose to spend some of my money on perfumes & self care products. i really needed this to feel a little more confident of myself; may the 4th be with you! >=D; little puppy is growing up so fast, she's almost 2 months old. so cute & so well behaved!; you know, i've been thinking about it & talking about it more often lately, the possibility that i can have ASD or, at least, be in the spectrum. there's not other explanation why i behave the way i do, it's really a shame i'm not confident enough nor have the initiative to go after a specialized doctor. till then, i'll suffer in silence; may the 14th, it's midori day! happy birthday, weirdo! it's been twenty one autumns now; i saw a dust devil today while walking to work, it was insane! i swear it would turn into a freaking tornado right in front of me; oh, they gift me a bottle at work, can you believe it? i'm feeling myself right now, i won't lie; today (may the 17th) was the last day of me going alone to work, next week there will be a new group of coworkers going with me. i hope it'll be okay; well, it wasn't okay. my schedule and routine has changed because of them, and now i'm afraid it'll affect me at work. also, they sent two girls to the office when it wasn't necessary, i was doing all the work just right! arggh, i'm so stressed and on edge because of it; i know i'm being dramatic and negative, but i'm not hopeful anymore they'll give me a position there. i'm tired of it all, really. nothing ever goes right with me; it's a rainy day, and very cold, too. the winter is coming; i finished reading my third book this year, i'm so proud of myself! last year i didn't really read anything, so this year i'm very adamant on finishing the books i've been procrastinating to read. good lucky, mimi! <3; can't we be friends?
• june ⋆ it's already june 17 and i didn't really wrote anything for my monthly journal, i'm sorry. it's just that i've been very sad and demotivated lately, life's being hard to me; it's the second time in less than a year that i got the flu, how unlucky i am? or, in reality, i'm just not treating myself that well (you have to eat properly, girlie!); i have to learn new things, and watch new movies, and read new books, and finish my interests journal, and discover new songs, and..! so many things to do, so little time & energy; you won't believe it. i finally found a pretty knitted vest at the shopping! i've been looking for it for ages, and i wasn't expecting to see one. i'm so, so happy, and can't wait to wear it and look all cozy & beautiful; i'm serious, is it too much to ask for a boyfriend like spencer reid? why can't i have a boy genius, with long hair, who wears pretty clothes and is pathetic & can't possibly shut the fuck up about facts and datas? this is so unfair, arrggh!; i saw a couple of toucans yesterday, it was so beautiful! it's been a while since i saw this species; cleaned my room, washed my hair & did my laundry. i feel like i'm in the clouds; my nintendo switch lite - animal crossing: new horizons edition was delivered just now, i can't believe it! you have no idea how excited i am. i feel like exploding from so much joy; watching brazil playing is a nightmare, i have flashbacks from the last world cup every damn time. it's so fucking stressing; work has been fun lately, i'm improving so much evey day. i've been learning new things, helping everyone in the office & even opening up more to conversations and bonding. i hope it keeps that way.
• july ⋆ the other day i was brushing my teeth in the sink outside and saw a cute little hummingbird. it was collecting some dandelions, i think it was for its nest, maybe?; i was coming back from work and saw a pretty girl with ginger hair, she looked like a fairy right out of a fairy tail; damn! i wrote so many numbers at work today that i think i'll be dreaming with them for the rest of the week. i'm a little loopy from all of it, my brain isn't working as its usual; i'm so tired. so many things to do, so little time; since i started at my first ever job i've bought so many cool things, i'm genuinely the most happy person alive. being able to spend money with things i love & also buy things to my family makes me feel good; am i weird for not having friends...?; apparently the new coworkers have been pissed because of my work schedule and i just discovered it today. i'm so fucking stressed because of it, i'm not doing anything wrong, actually, i'm on time, they have nothing to complain about. that's why i hate people so much, they make my hair go white and i'm just twenty one! >:[; i shouldn't get my hopes up, but i really, really like pamela's companionship. i know, i know! it's probably one sided, but i like how we can be quiet together, even if it's only at work. i think it's adorable how she whispers things to herself while doing things and i can comment on it to iniciate a conversation. she's sweet, i like her very much; i saw geovanna at work today & she gifted me a chocolate! i miss her dearly, we used to be closer. that's a little sad, but i hope she's living her best life; i forgot to write it down, but a few days ago we didn't have internet for the whole day, so me, pamela & vitória played adedonha. it was so fun!; sometimes it gets so tiring. i've been feeling discouraged from work more frequenttly & i honestly hate the new coworkers. i wish i could disappear on thin air; a little spider crawled up my leg not once, but twice while i was reading a spider-man book. is it a sign? peter parker, is that you?; i saw a flock of birds perched in a light pole while going home from work, it was so strange. they kept flying in various groups to this same light pole, i couldn't take my eyes off of it; i think it's very funny how i'll sigh very loudly, out of nowhere, because i remembered something embarassing i did in the past. i could be sad, upset or whatever, really. but i just do it, and then after, i laugh.
• august ⋆ i was tasked with a new role at work. i'll be operating the 44 since pamela will take ingrid's role at third-party service. at first i was so scared & insecure because there are so many demands to do & i only work 4 hours a day, it's impossible to finish everything on time! but now i'm a little less hesitant & trying to be positive about it. i hope everything goes well; august 3, pamela's birthday! i wish her the happiest life ever, she deserves it so much. pam's such a sweetheart, truly; maybe i underestimated myself, because i'm feeling very overwhelmed and my flee response is almost making me go mad. i really want to give up, i don't know how much more i can keep going, i'm not capable enough; i just received my first scam in my e-mail, i almost had a heart attack. that was no fun! i'm still a bit scared, arrggh; pam resigned from work today. i'm really, really sad. i felt really safe around her, knew i could ask for help & she would do the possible to aid me with anything. now i probably won't see her anymore. why all the cool people have to go away? that isn't fair; i've been obsessed with non-alcoholic drinks lately, they're so good! i specially loved the one with kiwi, lemon & orange. so yummy!; i cleaned my room yesterday, it was full of dust. i don't even know how it accumulate so much of it. anyways, it's all clean & smells very good! i'm proud of myself; oh, i forgot writing it down, but i finally built my mini darth vader lego set! it took 2 hours because the pieces are very tiny, but it was fun. now i only have a mini stormtrooper lego set to build; i can't get over how pretty funky is looking with his stupid long hair & stupid full grown beard. i just want to pepper his face with kisses, how unfair!; august 21, it's been a year since i get my first job! time flies by quickly, it feels like it was yesterday i was being interviewed. i achieved so many things since then, i'm happy; i may or may not be totally, completely in love with jasper hale. i mean, who wouldn't fall for one cute, very polite vampire boy? which is funny because i didn't went through the twilight obsession back when the saga was released, but after watching a criminal minds episode where jackson rathbone is featured, i couldn't help myself but rewatch the movies so i could catch glimpses of him. now i'm head over wheels over this boy, how predictable; work is ok, i guess? i'm bonding slowly with vitória, there's another person operating 44 so i'm not as overwhelmed as i was, evellyn is talking about quitting again. life goes on, that's weird. i don't know how to feel about it.
• september ⋆ i don't know what's been happening, but i've been refusing going out lately unless it's to go to work. maybe it's my anxious acting up, or something else. i'm not really sure; if i could put into words how much i admire & appreciate spencer reid, i would. but my love for him is so unexplainable, so unmeasurable that i'm not able to. no words feels right; binge watching criminal minds!; hayden christensen will always be my love, the man of my dreams; i'm so tired, my soul is begging to rest. my bones are so tired, what am i doing wrong?; the weather is so dry & smoky. we're having so many wildfires, it's concerning; the wildfires are off the charts, the weather is so smoky these days that i can't stop thinking about it. what are we, humans, doing with the planet?; aliny & leandro resigned from work and apparently moved from the city with pamela. everything's a fucking mess; oh, damn. i don't even know how to begin, but last week our supervisor had a chat with me & offered me a long term position as an analyst. i'm not sure how to react. i'm happy, but also worried sick; this weekend rained! it's not as smoky as it was. the trees & flowers are so vivid, it improved my humor so much; so much happened these 9 days that i wasn't able to write. i'm a little tired right now, maybe later i'll update about everything; we take a trip to são paulo last saturday, it was my little cousin's birthday. we visited him & the family, saw everyone we haven't since a long while; you won't believe it! i saw a freaking toucan eating fruits up closely! it was so cute, i hadn't the chance to capture in a photo, but it was beautiful seeing with my own eyes; i can't put into words how much i love são paulo's countryside; last friday (27) i had to do a medical exam for change of position — i'm not sure if it's how you say it, sorry! —. i'll be working as a maintenance planning analyst jr. oh, god, please, give me knowledge. i'm worried sick because i don't know if i'll do good in this. i hope i don't fool myself, i wish i was more confident.
• october ⋆ yesterday (02) an annular solar eclipse happened, it was so pretty! i thought i was going mad because i saw the sun had a part of it missing? but it turns out an eclipse was happening. i wasn't able to take photos of it, but at last i partially saw it!; today we had a pre-audit at work. you can't even begin to understand how nervous i was. we also meet our new boss. so many things happened; it's been a month since the conversation happened, and almost a month since i did the medical exam and nothing yet. for one side, i'm happy, because i'm really nervous about how drastically things will change, but at the other side i'm almost giving up. i'm not sure about anything, i don't think i'll be enough for this position; so, after so long, i started having lunch at work. the food there is really good, and i don't have to go to the office alone anymore. it's good for me because going to work without putting something on my stomach isn't really healthy; i reorganized my bedroom and it's looking so warm & comfy! i put on some fairy lights, pinned some things on my annotation board & finally builded my stormtrooper lego set. everything's so perfect! i don't ever wanna leave here again, want to stay tucked in all day long!; i didn't updated much this month, i'm really sorry. it's just work has been crazy lately & i barely have energy to do anything at all. just want to sleep & binge watch criminal minds; uh, oh! i almost forgot, it's october, hallooween season! i can't even begin to put into words how much i love everything about it, it's a shame i didn't really watched any horror movies neither planned a costume. maybe next year, hopefully?; (sighs), i know it doesn't makes sense at all, but i miss ayrton senna. he seemed to be a genuine, good hearted person. he's missed a lot by all the brazilians, i hope, with all my heart, he's resting in peace; i'm not capable enough of keeping relatioships neither interacting socially. i don't really know what is my issue. it's tiring being like this, god knows how tired i am of ruining everything; i'm sure that, if it wasn't for my mom & dad, at this point, i would've probably went mad. they keep me at my shoes, keep me sane. i'm grateful with all my heart & soul for the parents god sent me; i've been journaling often, writing everything down on paper. it's very exciting, really. it's a good way to keep memories, to know how i was feeling back then. discovering about the journaling world was one of the best things that've ever happened to me; went to mom's work today, she bought a cake for us to share. then after this, me, mom & dad went to the local market and drank sugarcane juice!; i'm so not ready to start working as a analyst full-time. i'll try my best to learn & to help, but i'm truly distressed about my future. god, look for me from wherever you are.
• november ⋆ happy belated halloween! truly looking foward to next year's halloween, i'll try my hardest to do something fun; i'll officially start this monday (4). my flee response is at its highest. i just want to run away very far from here & never come back. (sighs), let's see how many days i'll endure at this job; as they say “doeu, mas não matou”. my first day at work as an analyst was really something. i'm not sure how to feel? i think i did my best, and that's it. i don't know how it'll go from there, but god knows what's good for us. i'll trust him; had my first breakdown at work at day three. i, literally, bawled my eyes out in front of three people. it was so freaking embarassing, arrggh!; a kid asked me if i were a girl today. it caught me off guard, very unexpected; woah! you won't believe it. saturday, guilherme & i was alone at the office and he started a conversation with me about so many things we like in common. i was so excited! we talked about arcane, baldur's gate & other games. about linkin park & other bands and festivals. he's so fun & so chill! i wish we talked more to each other, i really like him; yey! i asked my boss about changing my day off so i could spend it with my mother. she arranged it & now i'll be able to be with her & my dad more often. i'm so freaking happy!; bought new clothes! actually, it was more jeans & shorts, i really have to buy more t-shirts & tops; a co-worker praised the way i talk, he said "i talk beautifully". haha... what? no! i'm not being giddy about it!; sorry i didn't really wrote more this month, it's my first full-time job & i always arrive home tired & spent, so everything i want to do is eat something & sleep. i'll try to keep tabs on what i'm doing. bye, november & welcome december!
• december ⋆ you blinked & we are already in december, damn it! it's "salpicão time", i can't freaking wait to have a full belly of good meal; we already bought dad's gift for his birthday on the 6th. arggh, i'm so excited! please, please, arrive quickly; i'm not sure if i mentioned it before, i guess not. but, we finally bought a land! yes, that's right. me & my parents are going to build our own house. i'm feeling so emotional right now, so hopeful, thinking about all the things i want to do in our home; guess who was stupid enough to crack the screen of one of my job's tablet? yes, that was me. i can't put into words how much i cried over it, i felt so fucking frustrated. i can't bare making mistakes, i'm not the best over facing the consequences of my actions; christmas day was so good! me & mom made a really good meal that left our bellies full for 3 whole days, i swear! anyways, merry christmas! my heart was warm with the fact that i was able to spent it with my family. they're everything to me; i've been obsessed with linkin park's song lately. emily armstrong was, honestly, the best choice they've ever made to join the band. i don't know chester that deeply as linkin park's fans know, but i feel it deep in my heart that he would be proud of this choice; so many things happened this month. things that i wasn't able to write down because i'm still trying to get used to this routine of working 8 to 10 hours a day. i'm not someone who likes changing, so it's been difficult for me, and that makes me extemely sad because one of the things i most love in the world is writing & doing all this creative stuff. but you know what? it's ok. 2025 will be the year i'll try my best to do the things i love with renewed energy & passion. we have all the time in the world, things will work just fine eventually. happy new year, folks! stay true to yourself, 2025 will be the year.