if you can’t beat the fear, just do it scared

time marches on regardless

The time will pass anyway

"Do I deserve this?" "Am I worthy of this?" So irrelevant. Do you want it?

don’t borrow grief from the future babe everything is going to work out the way it’s meant to

awful feeling when people don't remember what you said

• people like me choose to be unhappy. there's nothing for me to be upset about. So I'll choose to not care
• figured out why I don't like it when other people like the same thing as me. when other people like the same thing as me I feel an obligation to give it up for them.
• the voice in my head sounds like my dad
• you complain too much
• so?

• before university, I wanted to leave so I could starve myself in peace
• When I was in first term, I wanted to die
• When I was in second term, I wanted to be a normal person
• When I was in third and fourth term I wanted to binge alone in peace
• When I was in seventh term, I wanted to get a good coop
• When I was in eighth term, I wanted to do well and have the option of going to grad school

See how much your expectations have changed?

• after I graduated from high school, for a while, an important plot point of my daydreams was me dying before I turned 18
• one option was killing myself
• but the other option that I thought of more often was dying of illness

You can't live like this anymore 妞儿

please keep your brain here - don't daydream about something impossible and safe

mom chose to be with dad she did not choose you

every time I go home, it feels like Mom and I's time is running out

I am so unused to male attention that I'm happy no matter who it comes from

don't be like mom and question people why they feel what they feel and invalidate how they feel

be selective when choosing topics to talk about filter your thoughts and opinions

be good please you have to be good don't ruin other people's lives

do not eat and watch youtube/browse the internet together you can eat and study, watch lectures, or do homework you can watch youtube/browse internet and exercising

me and my big fat stupid mouth learn how to shut up

you are so sensitive about your weight so you have to lose weight

when you get a job, buy an electric piano for mom, need to figure out what to buy dad, and take them out to eat

you are every negative trait of your mother and father

you know you're really stupid when you get called "not sharp" unprovoked

when you look like you're dying at least people are nicer to you

when you don't run after people for approval they'll like you more

even your mother is fed up with you

your parents react the way they do because they are tired of your behaviour

• 2021-09-06 | 9:20 AM | 11:00 PM
• 2021-09-07 | 7:00 AM | 11:59 PM
• 2021-09-08 | 7:00 AM | 11:59 PM
• 2021-09-09 | 6:40 AM | 12:48 AM
• 2021-09-10 | 6:30 AM | 2:00 AM
• 2021-09-11 | 8:15 AM | 1:15 AM
• 2021-09-12 | 7:45 AM | 2:00 AM
• 2021-09-13 | 7:00 AM | 11:15 PM
• 2021-09-14 | 7:10 AM | 11:59 PM
• 2021-09-15 | 7:00 AM | 12:50 AM
• 2021-09-16 | 7:15 AM | 2:00 AM
• 2021-09-17 | 7:10 AM | 2:00 AM
• 2021-09-18 | 8:00 AM | 2:37 AM
• 2021-09-19 | 8:07 AM | 11:30 PM
• 2021-09-20 | 6:50 AM | 1:00 AM
• 2021-09-21 | 7:30 AM | 11:59 PM
• 2021-09-22 | 6:56 AM | 12:30 AM
• 2021-09-23 | 6:55 AM | 12:40 AM
• 2021-09-24 | 7:10 AM | 11:45 PM
• 2021-09-25 | 7:45 AM | 11:50 PM
• 2021-09-26 | 7:35 AM | 12:15 AM

• 2021 June 26

father bad mood Thursday morning when I went downstairs not mad at me specifically thought they were okay when I heard them outside earlier that day mad at lunch, at mom when she asked about work, then brother when he asked about work mom doesn't know why he's mad but says it's not because of me Friday was not good as well, ignoring mom today during lunch we watched the dating show he said that the most important thing for marriage is to trust the other person something about taking the family's money and spreading it outside after a bit I started crying dad asked why i was crying i went upstairs mom came upstairs dad came upstairs i went downstairs brother went to go talk to mom, then dad mom and I talked mom and dad talked

• 2021 Aug 14

stupid stupid stupid mom is going to doctor to get results of scan; she's super worried about it. I'm off here blabbing about investments stupid stupid stupid

i ask dad if he needs help. he says fine. then, when I'm telling him what's wrong, he tells me to hurry up with a really rude attitude? mom does the same thing

i don't ever want to forget that feeling of stress and being busy the last few weeks of April were...

As of April 2023

• everytime - ariana grande
• bad idea - ariana grande
• bloodline - ariana grande
• one - epik high
• 연필깎이 - epik high
• chasing pavements - adele
• hometown glory - adele
• turning tables - adele

As of June 2022

• when it's cold i'd like to die - moby, mimi goese
• no more "i love you's" - the lover speaks
• no more "i love you's" - annie lennox
• walking on broken glass - annie lennox
• where is my mind - the pixies
• float on - modest mouse
• %% - apink

As of May 2022

• white dress shirt
• blue dress shirt
• high waisted black dress pants
• laptop
• laptop camera cover
• calendar/planner
• door lock (already had one)
• white out
• face cream for night
• sunscreen
• sunglasses
• seamless underwear
• casual but not too casual shoes
• casual but not too casual pants
• nice shirts (turtleneck, long sleeve)
• nice sweaters and cardigans, not too thick

• you need to face your problems
  • they're not going to go away otherwise
• everything you dislike about yourself was caused by you
• you are incredibly self-centred
• you are a waste of money
• growing up means being responsible for yourself, the people around you, and your actions
• you cannot be sloppy, careless, and impulsive

• read https://myanimelist.net/manga/20315/Piec...

“When you let fear control your life, you end up at a place that’s worse than what you were trying to avoid.

Favourite musicians

• Carly Rae Jepsen
• Caroline Polachek
• No Party for Cao Dong
• Daughter
• Jaurim
• Floruit Show
• Imogen Heap
• Frou Frou

Favourite albums

• Lorde - Melodrama
• Caroline Polachek - Pang
• Carly Rae Jepsen - Emotion
• Frou Frou - Details
• Florence + the machine - Lungs

Favourite songs

• Florence + the machine - Hunger
• Utada Hikaru - Beautiful World, Heart Station

Things to read when you are being selfish

• https://mandogap.substack.com/p/4-march-...

Things to not forget

• https://dyske.com/paper/2317

Biweekly Grocery List Produce

• 1 bag of lemons
• 1 iceberg lettuce (or buy the kind you can plant and grow at home so you don't waste money on ....lettuce... of all things)
• 1 bag of apples (buy a kind you like!)
• 1 bag of oranges
• box of clementines
• 1 cabbage
• 1 napa cabbage
• 1 zucchini
• 1 eggplant
• 1 bag of tomatoes
• 1 bag of sweet potatoes
• 1 normal (i.e. not mini) cucumber
• some leafy greens on sale (e.g. qing cai, kale, arugula, collard greens)
• bag of garlic
• green onion
• 1 yellow onion

Most of my habits are bad. I'm going to change them. I'm changing them.

• don't look at your phone you idiot

YOU ARE GOING BLIND

• shut up
  • Why? there's obviously a reason why no one listens to you
    • and there's a reason why no one trusts you with anything

who care how long you stay in bed as long as you don't look at your phone

• get out of bed when I wake up
  • Why? Mom was shoveling the snow outside while I was sitting upstairs.
    • I will never let that happen again

• talking points for classes
• talking points for work
  • profit study
  • aar
  • reserve review
  • IFRS 17 testing

Finished:

• practice for driving test
• add stats major
• check graduation requirements