• March 20
  • troll hunter. 'we'd like to follow you around and record you'. document interesting people n their lives.
  • March 19
  • 'i was the ugly glean in my father's eye when he approached her. i wanted to be born.'
  • a baby knows what it's all about but can't put it into words. that's all child psychologists are doing -- trying to get a baby to speak psychologically about what it knows.
  • "the brain could be seen as a gadget evolved by the stomach to serve the purpose of getting it food. or you could argue that the stomach is evolved by the brain to give it food and keep it alive. whose game is this - the brain's or stomach's? they're mutual. neither is the boss."
  • dogs are proof that there is some fundamentally positive/loving force flowing through life. it's not something being constructed or conjured. it's a force of its own construction.
  • summers were so long as a kid because everything was so new. novelty slows down time. you don't want to get to the end of your life thinking 'that was too fast' -- do as much as you can and you will feel life went the right speed
  • zen describes someone who doesn't depend on anything - on a formula. on a theory/belief, to tell him his action.
  • March 16
  • the ego is like the radar of a ship. designed to look for trouble. by identifying w/ the ego you are in a perpetual state of anxiety.
  • March 14
  • inevitable: trump will face some huge disgrace (arrest, life in prison, assassination, suicide, something). every day he seems to be more incoherent and more brazen. i worry in the back of my mind that he will pull some stupid shit on the way out, like nukes, inciting civil war, on that level of reality-bending. also inevitable is death of MSM, and is also entertaining to watch from the outside as it implodes. nobody watches the news. nobody watches sitcoms. but they still keep airing and they seem to get weirder all the time in their dying phase.
  • March 10
  • in 'embrace of the serpent', white man is trekking thru jungle w/ natives. he's carrying a crazy amount of luggage while they are walking with spears. he's suffering immensely every time he lifts the luggage and refuses to leave it behind in order to ease his travel.
  • March 4
  • busy-ness is a way to miss out on life. having nothing to do means you have time to think. but if you're constantly distracted by technology, you never get the chance to think deeply.
  • since this is a journey to set your course, take ayahuasca if the opportunity comes up.
  • March 3
  • alan watts and lila: if you see that it's an illusion, you can allow yourself to go fully into it and take it seriously. while simultaneously understanding it as a game. you're then free to throw yourself to the mercy of whatever's going on around you and know it's all okay. you are free to live non-paranoid.
  • just made this realization: in arrival, she gains the ability to jump out of linear time by learning the alien language. i forgot/didn't realize it was by learning the language, thought it was just by exposure to the aliens in general or smthn. learning new language = seeing a new dimension of life.
  • the purpose is to find your purpose. since you don't know what you want to do, say yes to everything that comes your way. always keep eyes open for new doors to open and then go through them and see what happens.
    • and also help anyone you are able to help in any way at any time. help is what makes the world go round. i can't think of a more noble pursuit than to just help others. but also work on yrself so you are in a better position to help more.
  • neuralink is the next step in human evolution and it will be here within a couple years tops. elon musk said a few months ago that he'd have something to announce to the public re: neuralink... in a few months. (bridges the gap between our brain and the internet. all those steps between having a thought to look something up, sending the impulse to thumbs to type the query, reading the results and understanding them -- all those steps gone, leaving only the impulse to access something online and its immediate response.)
  • one good thing about social media/internet is that advertising can now be ridiculed. every time i see an ad on facebook, it is filled with people making fun of it or calling it on its bullshit. this is good.
  • possible long-term:
    • (document the journey. pen+paper minimum, ideally a video camera too. record nature images from all over. record interesting locals. maybe you can draw them. record your own internal journey. intention of the trip is to set a course for your life.)
    • 6 months working in BC, saving
    • (maybe visit Lasqueti at this point, see if the off-grid permaculture life is something that actually appeals to you)
    • Go to Vietnam. If possible, travel around for 4-6 weeks. Travel around that area as long as you can before getting work.
    • Work. Save more money.
    • Travel to Europe for a WorkAway tour
    • (possible Patagonia 2020)
    • Learn about permaculture and other useful life skills. Make connections w/ people around the world.
    • Maybe see if you can find a way to use those skills to embark on a self-sustaining life journey.
  • March 2
  • CHRIS RYAN SYNC: talking about how weird things happen when you're tripping especially around animals. that has happened to me so many times!! things that happen while tripping where you're like "this NEVER happens any other day". they say the animals can sense you're tripping, sense they're in no danger, and want to interact.
  • propaganda and hoaxery is more prevalent every day. Momo for example. the people who speak up and clear the air and provide a voice of reason become more and more important every day. because most of us too willingly give our mind keys over to unreliable drivers.
  • Feb. 26
  • nocturnal blonde
  • Feb. 24
  • stay conscious of your thought patterns. see how they control your mind.
  • friends are the ones who are there for you
  • Feb. 23
  • by rejecting taboo you are no longer a slave to it.
  • northern europeans seem like the type i'd get along with
  • small-dose THC puts you into the moment. you're not over-thinking in a negative spiral. you are contemplative, curious, and open to everything around you. social things become kind of like games and it becomes fun to navigate them.
  • modern western life seems like a big game of make-believe. like we're all playing this game but at the same time we all deep-down know it's not going to last. while the less-developed parts of the world look on and laugh.
  • Feb. 22
  • synchronicity human meat on reddit and in madventures. some of those uncontacted tribes really seem like lower on the evolutionary ladder than everyone else. animalistic.
  • the time will come when technology will end and the people of the forest will survive. go to nature or die.
  • today is the third time you've heard of someone having a birth/pregnancy-related prophecy thru ayahuasca. 2 of them saw visions of the kid w/ gender and they were right. the other hasn't become pregnant yet, but that's what their trip gave them -- a vision of their future child, and the overwhelming, life-changing need to bring that vision to life.
  • comfort breeds fear
  • a man has as many masters as he has vices
  • journal in the morning to set the day's intention, and once it's on paper stick to it
  • get on top of my shit before my shit gets on top of me
  • here's an idea! don't worry so much about yourself and your story. listen to the stories of others.
  • this should be a journey of discovery. it could (and should) chart the trajectory of the rest of your life.
  • Just realized "car" is short for "carriage"
  • don't worry about how good or bad you are at something! socializing or the job or any of that shit. just put out an effort and the rest will happen. if you don't put out an effort, nothing will happen. give it all a fair shot. and maybe get a dog.
    • remember Justin from Departures! forgot all about him. his attitude toward life and travel. do something no matter how scary it is. just do it. watching him do something while visibly scared shitless. remember that. that's balls.
  • document your travels. write every day. chart progress of some kind (introversion, physical skill in something, what? whatever.) if you had a good video camera that would be awesome. foggy forest shots. your fAVOUrite.
  • Feb. 21
  • i'm nervous. but remember, inch by inch. it's only thought stuff making you nervous. in your immediate surroundings, what makes you nervous? complacency.
  • you are hardly conscious of this but you are attracted more to misanthropes and outcasts and repelled by "nice" regular people, generally speaking. that's probably not a good perspective to have.
  • remember what psychs have taught you: let go. the more you can ride w/ what's happening, the more you will learn and grow.
  • put yourself in the back seat. merge yourself with a group with a common focus. that will feel good.
  • the universe wants you to rise to the occasion. whatever that occasion may be. don't err on the side of shy. don't doubt yourself. exceed expectations.
  • band name: the peanut butter and jam. or peanut butter and jim.
  • the longer I go without succumbing to vice, the more focused I am and the longer I can sustain that focus. The more I push myself upward, the more energy I have to push myself. There is no upper limit on that.
  • Feb. 20
  • i'd rather die in a robbery in chile than at 90 in a hospital. don't let fear dictate your entire life. use fear only in the moment that calls for fear. do not let it have any sway over your future. and never use fear as an excuse not to do something different. that's all it is: an excuse. and a weak empty one.
  • everyone should expect to be made a fool of at some point to some degree. if you are never made a fool of, you are not trying hard enough.
  • verbalizing anything will affect the way you see that thing on a deep level -- conversely, abstaining from speech for a long period will change the way you see the world. will change the way you think on a fundamental level.
  • staying in one place you begin to think that that's the whole world. get out there w/ no expectations beyond opening doors.
  • journal extensively on your travels. especially around things that are new or challenging to you. if you are ever in a position to share your writing (blog or whatever), people would resonate with that kind of journey. throwing yourself into something new and figuring it out as you go.
    • perspective of introvert (sometimes misanthrope)
  • aha! finally made the connection b/w psychs and meditation. you *can* come out of meditation w/ the same lessons as psychs. this is bc of deconditioning: meditation is essentially a practice of deconditioning. idk how I never made that connection before or discounted meditation against psychs.
  • Feb. 19
  • lost in translation is about how one random encounter with a kindred spirit can change your entire world. nothing else matters - your situation, how things w/ that person end - just the fact that you bumped paths and recognized something on a deep level in each other. life-changing.
  • honestly, weed has helped introspect and chart your life a lot. it's doable without weed ofc, but something about getting a THC buzz renders me incapable of just settling for the status quo. or incapable of ignoring the old habits in my life. forcing myself to confront things and push myself. and it also helps me see everything through humor-tinted glasses. how exciting! thanks weed!
    • just realized: this is why you are enjoying weed now. this is why weed isn't giving you anxiety or depression or panic. you are using it to your advantage. you are actively working toward a better life. that's why. that's all it takes!
  • the traveler sees what he sees - the tourist sees what he came to see
  • when you write, get your ego out of the way. tell the story warts and all. represent yourself and the details as honestly as possible.
    • also remember Desert Solitaire re: writing. pursue similarly.
  • it's a half an inch of water and you think you're gonna drown
  • make a conscious effort to live as fascinating a life as you can
  • the universe is setting you free, not throwing you away.
  • it could be cool to go all the way down through south america, patagonia, down down down, take a ship to antarctica
  • Feb. 18
  • perspective is everything. your feelings are so optimistic lately despite losing andrea and losing your job. if you were in a bad state, your thinking would be like "the whole world threw me away". but instead you're looking forward to adventure and challenge.
  • all moods are feedback loops. if you're anxious, people sense it. they become uncomfortable which makes you more anxious. when you're projecting confidence, people open up like flowers. and then your confidence becomes substantiated by the world around you.
  • Mr Oizo is French house music -- find more like that
  • journal good: pasta and vape
  • Small doses of THC help you socially. less rehearsing, more just being in the moment. this helps all interactions become more positive and invigorating and unexpected.
  • Feb. 17
  • wisdom makes you milder
  • pen ink on a leaf
  • before sunset: when you're young you feel there will be many people you connect with. later in life you realize it only happens a few times.
  • brothers dostoevsky: (I am Alexey to a T so far)
    • "Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love."
  • (i talk about death so much you could almost say I worship it. as useful an object of worship as anything else. with death always in your awareness, life does not become a routine you are unconsciously perpetuating, complacent until it's too late. it's never too late when you're always remembering death. it may seem morbid. i don't mean obsessing over it. just being honest with yourself about it and living accordingly. anyone who chronically forgets, who thinks they will live forever, is invariably an asshole to themselves and everyone around them.)
  • a new antidote to the blues: exercise. a big part of your depressive moods stem from feelings of self-worth. i'm lazy. i'm doing nothing. etc. going swimming and exercising today treated a lot of that. (note: attributed less to the actual exercise than to the mental override I had to perform on myself in order to force myself to do it instead of going home and lying down. brain was in 2 parts as usual: 1 saying hey maybe you could exercise, the other finding excuses or ways out. the first side won and I felt my soul cheering. challenged myself and won.) now I can feel I've earned my laziness. though don't abuse that. you should be steadily moving out of all unconscious habits. be aware of complacency. seek novelty and challenge.
  • travel is one of the few things you've found in life that gives you a feeling of 'this makes everything else worth it' - don't deprive yourself of that.
  • in daily journal, list all the good things that happened that day and the bad and reflect w/ love on both. through journaling you can sharpen your voice and in turn strengthen/clarify your thinking. filters out the bullshit, figures out what matters. finds insight into every day. the more I do it, the more it feels like kind of a self-administered form of therapy. like I'm really making progress in figuring it out. keep it up.
  • to die in fear is to fail death
  • it's just as painful and uncomfortable to be born as it is to die. the mind can literally not distinguish between the two experiences on a fundamental level. we have died before: the day we were born. what a liberation that gives me to think about. we have died before and look at us now! not only can the soul hack it - it flourishes in it.
  • Feb. 16
  • i don't believe in God but there is more than meat and eyes
  • if you are not a whole person before getting into a relationship, the other person bears the entire weight of your clumsy being.
  • the whole openness aspect of the psychedelic kinda hippy life: can it go too far? eg. is it "non-open" or fear-based to hold on to a monogamous relationship or to have feelings of jealousy? some hippy types say they don't care, do what you want, I have no attachments, blah blah. but do they mean it? or are they killing themselves inside? both types must exist. it makes me sad to know that people will deny what's true to them in order to live up to some fictional persona.
  • Expand your mind always. in all ways. people who write off things like psychedelics or hard travel for the purpose of growth/exploration... I feel so strongly about the importance of those things, on such a fundamental level of my being, that I honestly can't take anyone who doesn't feel that way seriously. I can't help but write off their entire character. willfully ignorant, shamelessly afraid, and allowing that fear to exist. building your entire person upon a foundation of fear. it's a house of cards that will be toppled at the slightest wind and you are so attached to it that you refuse to build any other kind of house. just keep drinking. see where that gets you.
  • Never resist the cracking of the heart, the light cannot enter without the cracks. be mindful of when you're going through a shitty time. be mindful of what it is and what it's teaching you. you will emerge with a basket full of experience and wisdom. the opposite of a great experience is not a terrible experience, it's no experience at all.
  • Your possessions tie you, psychically, to your past. If you could trade all your possessions for the money you paid for them, how many of those things would you keep? none of them? then why are you still holding on to them???
  • The System depends on providing you with a steady diet of The Fear. "Don't think, fear". Everyone is your enemy, protect yourself, buy stuff, FEAR, get respect, work hard. we all die. no one here gets out alive. can your Fear do anything worse than my inevitable dissolution? obviously not. do what you want.
  • Life is a game! Play it up and see what happens!
  • Every time a door closes, another one opens.
  • Feb. 15
  • say No to nothing
  • start talking to yourself like a friend. if you wouldn't say something to your friend, don't say it to yourself.
  • don't care what strangers think. the only effect they have on your life is that which you ascribe to them. just be a good person and the rest will work itself out.
  • Remember that last thing you were scared of doing and when you ended up doing it, you feel great right? And half the time you say that wasn't that hard. And when ever my anxiety kicks in I always think time will always be ticking. you cannot avoid life forever. at some point you must go in.
  • you don't notice this in the moment much but your posture has a direct effect on your mood and it seems to have a noticeable effect on how people react to you. whether that's their reaction to the way i look or just them reflecting my own feelings back at me I don't know.
  • you've been interested in lucid dreaming and other altered states since childhood. if the whole buddhist notion of indefinite reincarnation is true, getting closer and closer, working through every lifetime until final liberation, it could be that i made good progress in previous incarnations. those states could be effective aids in achieving the liberated mindset and maybe they carried over. kind of silly but i'm a lil high and i mean I definitely didn't start from scratch. i was primed young.
  • it feels sooo goood to make positive connections with people. even internet people. like miraculous vital shooting star good. no better way to get out of your own anxieties. if you can help someone have a better day, you have no reason to get down on yourself.
  • remember how in school you never tried to get anyone to like you and that only drew them in. those things are related. look at it the other way: as soon as anyone gives you any kind of overly-interested vibe you're more turned off than anything. eg. april. people are way cooler when they don't give a fuck. (lol so what as a recluse you're like a superstar then?) obv this thinking has its limits n should be used with care.
  • hiding from your feelings underneath things like mindless consumption always makes you feel worse. you don't recognize it in the moment. you think 'i need to find the perfect movie/song/podcast to occupy my mind so i can just stop thinking for a bit.' but you feel bad. you feel great when you take an active interest in bettering your situation. watching nature docs last night = felt melancholy. exercise, eating well, loving yourself today = feel great. key difference: loving awareness toward myself. no hiding and no excuses. it's all out of love.
feb 16 2019 ∞
mar 21 2019 +