(954): I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

(910): it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'

(334): I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.

(203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

(720): turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"

(706): Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.

(813): from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick

(337): Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"

(703): Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life (541): Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard

(612): We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.

(406): Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.

(802): does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children (1-802): actually, i try not to think about it (802): and i pooped them out

(407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

(214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

(201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet (908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building (201): Tie

(717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

(802): OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

(440): The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

(401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

(419): just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

(617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

(910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars (910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

(978): Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

(770): I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti

(714): we're chasing vodka with high fives

(773): Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal

(972): I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party. (1-972): I want to be a cop.

(978): i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven

(815): Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked

(818): I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff

(203): You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius

(918): Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...

(734): I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy. (1-734): Shittttttt. (734): Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.

(337): I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.

(864): just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside

(504): loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs (314): you don't even go to loyola anymore

(619): i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.

(843): and my herpes radar will keep us safe

(516): How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"

(850): this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen

(417): Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?

(781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

(973): Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back

(617): So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"

(732): I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!

(415): Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass

(954): everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone

(847): just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'

(704): You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"