I had some suicidal thoughts four days ago. It was the first time in my life where I actually was trying to find a way to end me. I am actually contemplating whether I should share this to my blog, and as you can see, I decided to share this. If you have been reading my entries here, I have stated how much I was feeling happy for the past few months until March 14th. I almost forgot a lot of reasons why I am distant with my mother. She confronted me that day if I was even doing my schoolworks. I said no, I didn't tell her that I was actually trying because she would really not understand. I told her that maybe I could just repeat this grade because I can't seem to function well. She also snoops on my conversation with my best friend (which is a no-no and a parent should not be doing that as it is VERY toxic) which would mean she knows exactly what is happening to me and what I feel since I vent out my emotions to my best friend. Back to the story now, let me just ay that she became violent. She strangled, hit and did other violent actions I don't want to remember. She was saying how much she sacrificed for me to continue studying, how hard it is to live without parents like she did and many other things. I am also having fights with myself. I have been trying to fix, love and embrace myself. I have been supporting myself mentally because I know I could never get that from her. If I could just list down the things and reasons why I hate her, I definitely would. She messaged my older brother the next day and my brother said to not be violent towards me and that she should build me uo because maybe I was getting depressed. She answered that there were no reasons for me to be depressed because we have internet connection (??????????) Does she think that being depressed is something so light like that? Even the wealthiest people get depressed. She doesn't understand the concept. I hope I could move out far, far away from her. My thoughts are still all over the place and my emotions aren't sorted out yet. I don't know what to feel. I have built myself up by my own and in just one night it all just went crushing down.

03/18/22 | 11:57 p.m.