the amount of clothes i could've worn if i had an “easy to style” physique

hello, i'm still here! thankfully, my last update about having --- has passed. i hope to retain my happiness.

i am also doing great in school! i am so thankful that i was able to regain my old self and succeed.

i might fail one of the national language subject. a good thing is that i think i did good in the three major subjects.

i still haven't met andi. it's been two years now and we haven't seen each other.

him? we cross paths every now and then. i heard he likes someone from the floor he is in.

he knows that i still have feelings for him. it's just a tad bit, but i think i shouldn't be showing too much of it. i'll distance myself for a bit.

julie, my best friend in elementary, and i have started catching up with each other again.

i haven't been scribbling nor reading the...

wow! i haven't been here for quite a while. so update! i am going to repeat a school year. i am like trying to exercise my brain again by doing jigsaw puzzle and trying acrylic painting. i already bought the materials, but they haven't arrived yet. i want to buy a book called "and then there were none" by agatha christie, but i'm kind of contemplating. i want to write essays here on this blog too to get my thoughts organized and just to prepare myself this second time in 10th grade. i am also going to take some propan with iron to gain some weight, because i am REALLY underweight for my age. i'm thinking of buying a height enhancer supplement that's been recommended to me too, but i just don't know if i can buy it from an online store since some of the reviews say it didn't work for them. i really don't know where to buy the product though. i'll go and try to find the official website and order from there. also, is this color bot...

it has been in my mind since. i feel like that my 'mom' only feeds me, gives me shelter, etc. is because she sees me as an investment. she gives me these just so in the future, she'll benefit from me. she insist that she's doing this so i graduate and have a good life that she didn't have. but do i really believe her? after everything and every lie that she said? i can't trust her.

i have never felt and seen her proud of me. never seen her try to understand my situation, thoughts and decisions. when i told her that i wanted to go back to the last year of junior high school, the only thing she did was force me to do works i wish i understood. i don't have the capacity others have. i barely feel cared for in this household. seven years ago, i was a very affectionate child. i would post how much i love and adore her. as time flies by, i do feel like i am just a mere investment.

i just forgot how good lisianthus by nissi and chaanill sounds... it just played again after months...

04/09/22 | 11:42 p.m.

Something I hope that elders understood more is the concept of mental health . There was this time, this month, where I got to know what my mom thinks being 'depressed' is. She thinks that if a person has objects that she wanted and needed, then there's no reason to be depressed. I have also seen in many social media platforms that they are having a hard time with trying to make their parents understand what it actually is. It's such a shame they never delve into the concept of mental care. I am sure at least twice in their life, they have felt just pure sadness and just decided to disregard because of what they think might be them being 'overreacting'. Because of their untreated state, they come to think that it's alright to invalidate one's feelings, especially because they are 'the elders', and that they know better. Being invalidated causes a person to distance themselves and find solace in different people, or in my case, do my best to help improve my mental health.

03/30/22 | 11:48 p.m.

I've been feeling very happy yesterday.

03/05/22 | 12:33 AM

i just don't get how some people's ideal types in finding 'the one' are like someone who has a great physique, whose charismatic, someone who does this blah blah blah etc. shouldn't ideals be more focused on personalities and abilities with household chores, not just for guys but for the gals too, such as someone who knows how to handle children, knows good family planning, does not have anger issues, etc. it's like “oh yeah, he/she yells at our child, abusive sometimes, but that's okay as long as he/she can cook >√>”, “oh he/she cheated? well, that's alright as long as i can see his/her great physique and i'll be fine”. i mean, cooking is also a plus — atleast for those whose love language is an act of service, but personally, it does not really matter for me and that's for me. common ideal types wouldn't really matter in the long run. and if you are one whose ideal types are ...

i met my grandma after twelve years. and joon and seokjin are covid-free now!

01/04/2022 | 10:02 PM

growing up, i've seen couples commit infidelity towards each other that i find it difficult to trust someone with my feelings. being the only daughter, i have always kept in mind to protect myself and emotions from unhealthy influences. i have even promised to myself that i will only allow a guy to court me when i'm 18. however, as i get to reflect while in this pandemic, i have been thinking to not even be in a relationship. i don't want someone to be the cause of my happiness other than myself, because if that person's gone then what will happen to me? i just want to be my own source of happiness.

12/21/21 | 11:47 PM

and all of a sudden, i forgot that i hate you. i wanted to hug you tightly and enjoy the moment. it feels incomplete to go home without embracing you.

i don't know what to feel about those sweets and flowers; i think i'll leave them to rot.

i love you.

earlier today in the afternoon, i told myself that if you had just known what bothered me, reflected, and you told me that you'll change your ways, i would have given us a chance.

but i can't let my feelings get the best of me.

please be happy and healthy.

i miss your presence, too much that i should be.

07:32 p.m.

oh, how much i love reading my past blogs here. i love the thoughts, the mindsets. i hope to regain that. ever since i started focusing on my studies, i felt like i lost myself. i do not know what i want anymore, what i feel, what i think, etc. studying is a must, but i haven't had a time for myself.

02/03/23 | 02:09 p.m.

i'm back!!! (hopefully)

it's been a long time since i wrote something here. to update, i bought jigsaw puzzles a couple of weeks back and i haven't finished it yet. it was ambitious of me to buy a jigsaw puzzle that contains 1,000 pieces when i am just a beginner, let alone it being the "starry night" by vincent van gogh. it is a shame that i haven't been able to encourage myself to give it a try again.

second point, i have bought books. WOOHOO!!! i think i'm one of those people who started a blog and does not read a book, so i am going to change that. also, it is also my way of 'preparing' myself for my second try of attending 10th grade. i just hope that face-to-face classes are actually back and that the monkeypox won't be as severe as covid-19.

books that i bought:

• and then there were none - agatha christie

Like most people, it's also a dream of mine to have a family with the person who loves me as much as I do, and to have a happy and faithful marriage. However, there's this recurring thought that I won't be able to find someone decent in this day and age. Especially in our country, there's this belief that if a guy isn't faithful to their partner, his first daughter will be unlucky with her relationships. Well, I'm the only daughter. Middle child too. I am also too afraid to choose the wrong person and just realize after having a child. I don't want my future child(ren) to have a broken family like I did.

It's hard for me to trust. Falling in love is very difficult. Add to that the fact that I keep on getting surrounded by people who commits infidelity in their relationships. Deep within me, I actually feel that I'd be unlucky with romantic relationships. For someone who claims to want to stay single for the rest of their lives...

from ysscache to broccolisandmushrooms

• What worries me about my future?
  • I have talked about this before here that I have been struggling with finishing schoolworks. I am still struggling until now and it worries me because I am a graduating student (junior high school). I haven't submitted any works in most of my subjects. It worries me that I might need to go and repeat this grade level because of my failing and blank marks.
• Have I done anything that's worth remembering?
  • None. My day has been mundane. Nothing new. I usually try to finish my schoolworks and fail to do so. I feel a lack of concentration and I can't put my thoughts into words. This is also one of the reasons why I am blogging. Though, I would want to practice in my native language and write about my day using it. Maybe...

omg.... i just remembered that i used to eat my boogers and suck my toes back when i was 5... oh well, hopefully that wasn't too much for you to read. (#^.^#)

02/06/22 | 07:04 PM

okay so i haven't finish aa yet, but like, i want iris and phoenix endgame... i really do AAAAAAAHHHHHH (╥﹏╥)

i am scared that one day, i'll forget what you did and run back to your arms. i want to, but i must fight the urge. with this, we'll be stronger. i am scared to cry in your arms and tell you i can't do it anymore; i cannot stay away from you anymore.

08:26 p.m.

i can't believe the only thing that'll force me to make an entry here is my one of my insecurities: my teeth, my crooked teeth.

it isn't bothering me that much, not until a few minutes ago, when i was putting on a lip product. i was looking at myself in the mirror. while looking, i saw my crooked teeth. i hate it, i hated it, and i hope to accept it someday. when will i be able to afford to avail braces? i badly want to earn money. i want to be financially stable, because i know she wouldn't care about these things.

i wish to have a non-neglectful 'parent' figure. i hate to make this about her, but it just diverted to this topic.

i am entering senior high this year. we were not told to buy a uniform yet since we have a new set of uniform and it hasn't been approved yet. we were to were a white top and jeans, trousers, or jogging pants. i told her that. i think i'll only wear the ones i ...

i barely have time to update my blog. i hope that i'll be able to finally gather my thoughts tomorrow and write something. that's all, good night!

actually, that's not all.

i realized that i wanted to make a playlist of songs i frequently listened to every month.

i think that's all for today. bye!

02/10/23 | 10:35 p.m.

I feel lost again. A couple of months back, I have said here that I was feeling very ahppy and contented. I was taking my time with myself and being patient with whatever is being laid out.

However, for the past few weeks, I have been very confused whether I'm still feeling happy or not. I feel like I've lost myself. I have felt like that ever since 'she' had been bringing me down.

She'd always tell me what to do, when in the first place, she doesn't really have me to get to that point. She just talks and talks how embarrassing it would be to go back in the same grade level. She doesn't really listens, but just says shits she can't understand well.

Whenever we'd have a verbal communication, I feel like I'm unable to talk because I'm feeling some pain. She has unresolved issues, and she's putting all of it on me. She would never be understanding, I kn...

something that i would actually never stop loving is stationery. i used to love stationery sets when i was little, but it turns out that i am still into them 0-0 something's just actually doesn't change. i'm still a sucker for stationery stuffs.

04/11/22 | 9:39 p.m.

ridiculous how it took us (minecrafters) too long to figure out how to build a nether portal... in the most efficient way...

04/04/22 | 10:26 p.m.

Where do I actually start? Hmm... Well, I am kind of feeling a little bit better after the last list I have made. I am trying to regain my optimistic side. I haven't talked much to anyone for the past few days. I just don't feel like opening my mouth. I have been dancing around in the day though, like I noticed that I was energetic somehow. I have eaten already today. Just instant noodles and soda. All of my orders from the other day also arrived today. I am now able to take a bath properly since I now have a new scrub! It just makes me feel much cleaner. I have also bought a sketch book. It's very thick and very book-ish. Great texture as well. I bought it because I have a habit of just drawing random lines and other stuffs. What else to say? My face is also kind of glowy today. My hair is growing longer. I haven't been putting much effort on my work as an admin, but I hope to get back on...

• How much do I worry about what others think of me?
  • I don't worry about what others think of me. One of the things I worry about is being someone that makes a situation harder for a person. If people gets bothered by what I do with my life that doesn't really need to bother them, then they better stay away from me because I won't be changing just to impress what they think is right. If my presence bothers you, then you leave.
• Do I reach out for help when I need it?
  • I want to, but I feel like they think I did not do my best. I know that asking for help is not a bad thing, but I just find that they think I want an easier way to achieve something. Before I even consider trying to reach out for help, I do try to find altervatives. If I can't find an a...

i legitimately need someone to force me to finish my schoolwork and be stubborn about it as much as me not wanting to finish it because i lost motivation. i thought i really didn't need help, but now, i definitely need someone physically here to force me and just beat the sh1t out of me if i don't finish. well, not really beat the sh1t out but something like that.

02/13/22 | 03:00 PM

i literally bought art materials with MY OWN MONEY that I earned and my mom just goes "they are useless, should've saved up the money for other stuffs, etc." I BOUGHT THESE BECAUSE I WANT TO FEEL INSPIRED. I WANT TO HAVE MOTIVATIONS TO DO A SH1T LOAD OF SCHOOLWORKS. I WANT TO DO SOMETHING THAT ACTUALLY MAKES ME HAPPY RATHER THAN JUST ME FORCING MYSELF TO STUDY WHEN I DON'T WANT TO. she asked me if i still want to study and because if i don't then she said that she'll put me through slavery so i could feel what it is to not have knowledge....?????????? yes, she is the most fvcked up person.

01/29/22 | 12:29 AM

this year was tough. i had many difficulties with studies, people, and myself. i don't hate this year because i was able to focus and reflect on myself. i was able to know who i really am and what my purpose is. this year was definitely an arc and i needed that. i was able to reconnect with few people i lost connections with, i was able to take care of my mental health and i realized that i should be prioritizing my well-being to be able to do well. overall, 2021 was very needed for me. i had much self-development. i feel like i am ready for 2022.

12/31/21 | 09:25 PM