• "when i get sad, i stop being sad, and be awesome instead. true story" - Barney
• "ted found a penny on the subway that's old, and that's interesting!" - Robin
• Swarley
• "dancing is bad, dancing leads to sex" ... "did you grow up in that footloose town?"
• "we're here, we're hungry, get used to it brunch!"
• "you'll be home with the kid, while i am out awesomeing....all over the place"
• IF BY "LIKE THE LOCHNESS MONSTER" YOU MEAN TOTALLY AWESOME AND EXISTS, THEN YES. IT'S LIKE THE LOCHNESS MONSTER
• IHOPEYOU'RENOTLACTOSE-INTOLERANTBECAUSETHENEXTWORDIS-DARY.
• "Seriously. Jesus started the whole “wait three days” thing. He waited THREE days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited ONE day, a lot of people wouldn’t have even heard that he died.

They’d be all, “Hey Jesus, what up?” and Jesus would probably be like, “What up? I DIED yesterday!” and then they’d be all, “Uhh, you look pretty alive to me, dude…” and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and then the dude would be like “Uh okayy, whatever you say, bro…” And he’s not gonna come back on a SATURDAY. Everybody’s busy, doing chores, workin’ the loom, trimmin’ the beard, NO. He waited the exact right number of days, THREE. Plus it’s SUNDAY, so everyone’s in church already, they’re all in there “Oh no, Jesus is DEAD”, then BAM! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle, everyone’s totally psyched, and FYI, that’s when he invented the high five. Three days. We wait three days to call a woman, because that’s how long Jesus wants us to wait…. True story."

• "Don't you live in Ohio?" "Um no, my parents live in Ohio, I live in the moment"
• “Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro—I'm Broda!”
• Describing the simplicity of running a marathon: “Step one, you start running. There is no step two.”
• Oh, yeah, we do that behind your back. "Ted-out": to overthink. See also "Ted-up". "Ted-up": to overthink with disastrous consequences. For example, "Billy Tedded-up when he-"
• 
  Marshall: You wanna talk about who gets the apartment after Lily & I get married?....Ted: Y'know who I think we should let deal with this problem?....Marshall: Who?.....Ted: Future Ted & Future Marshall.......Marshall: Totally......[Present Day].....Ted: Dammit, Past Ted!
• Barney: [To Ted] Do you have some puritanical hang up on prostitution? Dude, it’s the world’s oldest profession.......Marshall: Do you really think that’s true?.......Barney: Oh yeah, I bet even Cro-Magnons used to give cave hookers an extra fish for putting out........Marshall: Ah ha, so the oldest profession would be fishermen. Kaboom! You’ve been lawyered!
• Dude, lots of chicks think that architects are hot. Think about that, you create something out of nothing. You're like God. There is no one hotter than God.
• Ted: No, I meant do you have a cold?.....Barney: I'm fine. [blows his nose; Ted and Robin look at him] I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out. If you'll excuse me, holiday is the time when people are lonely and desperate. It's the most wonderful time of the year.