• (262): I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
• (815): I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
• (856): my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
• (401): We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
• (209): You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
• (641): Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
• (936): he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.

(812): and...? (936): I told him it was alright.

• (217): You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
• (808): Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
• (716): God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
• (401): She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
• (604): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
• (219): NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhh

(1-219): wow.

• (513): i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalacian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
• (578): drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
• (847): i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.

(1-847): that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.

• (973): I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
• (304): Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
• (210): He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
• (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titanic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titanic is syncing.'
• (954): hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
• (631): You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
• (303): dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
• (203): there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

• (203): I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
• (206): He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
• (404): Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
• (269): So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen...naked...I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

• (727): Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
• (973): you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
• (412): For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!", cockblock someone, then leave the party early
• (952): I told you not to have sex with her on my futon

(612): I didnt dude, i swear! (952): either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon

• (610): i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
• (860): Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): Well how do you think I feel (860): fair enough

• (717): He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
• (757): Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
• (304): STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
• (510): I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk

(415): yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts

• (617): shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
• (907): the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her i wanted to be on cops
• (870): I just looked at my iPhone gps history..."the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
• (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
• (252): he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out...so instead we played xbox.
• (612): I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
• (480): he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
• (208): Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.

(208): ha well at least you have goals.

• (209): she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook